You can stop mailing your envelopes full of anthrax to ABC now, because he-she behemoth Chaz Bono has mercifully been eliminated from “Dancing with the Stars.” The Daily Mail says:

The 41-year-old transgender man didn’t seem surprised as it was announced that he and partner Lacey Schwimmer held the lowest overall score tonight.

Still, he seemed happy to have just been a contender, [saying], “I took so much away from this. This was an amazing journey that really pushed me and showed me I could do so much more than I thought I could.

I wanted to show America a different kind of man. If there was somebody like me on TV when I was growing up, my whole life would’ve been different… So I dedicate everything I did to all the people out there like me, and especially the kids and teens who are struggling.You can have a wonderful great life and be successful and happy,” he said.

I guess what he calls “success and happiness,” we’d call “morbid obesity and gender confusion.” Maybe it’s really one of those glass half-empty/glass half-full kinda things.

I have some bad news, folks: today is as unconscionably boring as yesterday. Maybe even more so. Luckily, I have gin. You still have to sit in an office and read this shit for the next two hours. The Daily Mail says:

Police and emergency vehicles dashed to CBS’s studio complex in Hollywood on Wednesday afternoon after white powder [initially believed to be anthrax] spilled out of a letter in the mailroom.

The envelope was simply addressed to Dancing With The Stars, not one individual.

Los Angeles police said the powder was harmless after a hazardous materials team was called to CBS Television City to gather it up and test it.

A spokesman said no one was exposed to the powder and no injury has been reported.

It was later revealed that it took three uniformed officers to beat away contestant Chaz Bono from the envelope containing the mystery substance. There’s just no convincing a fatty that something white and powdery could be anything other than the confectioner’s sugar he uses to coat his bacon unless you’re wielding billy clubs and pepper spray.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Here are four words never used collaboratively in the history of the English language: Nancy Grace nipple slip. For good reason, too. Just click the header. It’s like a big old wad of ground beef. Us Magazine says:

On Monday night’s Dancing with the Stars, the 51-year-old HLN host had a major wardrobe malfunction. After ABC quickly cut away to a static shot of the audience, Grace readjusted her dress and buried her face in partner Tristan MacManus’ shoulder.

“On the European version that would be perfectly fine,” Tom Bergeron joked.

But the judges were able to see past the partial nudity and appreciate Grace’s performance. “How refreshing,” Len Goodman said. “That was a proper quickstep. Well done!”

Now we just wait for a Nancy Grace upskirt to hit the interwebs and my own private circle of hell will be complete. My fifth-grade teacher must be so proud of me right now.

Yet un-yanked video of the slip after the jump:

(more…)

The “It’s Pat” of this generation Chaz Bono performed the final dance of the evening on last night’s season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars.” I was too busy burning myself with cigarettes to watch, but it drew rave reviews from the judges who were terrified of appearing homophobic. Us Magazine says:

The show’s first-ever transgender contestant, 42, and his pro partner Lacey Schwimmer, offered up a cha cha that was worth the wait.

“People have been waiting all night to see you dance and you did not disappoint,” judge Carrie Ann Inaba gushed.

Fellow judge Bruno Tonioli also raved about Bono — calling his number “cheeky and joyous” — but it was Len Goodman who [coined the name] “Razzmatazz Chaz.”

Bono… placed in the middle of the DWTS pack with a score of 17/30.

If you count flailing your limbs like some kind of albatross caught in a fishing net, then Chaz did great last night. If you don’t, well, he sucked. He should stick to his signature moves, like “staggering around stage clutching his heart” and “gasping for breath while leaning against a stair rail.” It’s really best to go with what you know.

Now when some guy at a bar tells you he wouldn’t fuck you with Chastity Bono’s dick, you’ll know exactly how insulting that really is.

Leaving the Dancing with the Stars studio after rehearsal yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The hit TV show Dancing with the Stars has gotten into some controversy when it was announced this week that Chaz Bono would be a contestant. Says Digital Spy,

A series of transphobic slurs were posted on ABC’s official message board after Bono was revealed as one of Dancing with the Stars’ latest contestants this week.

Bono’s mother Cher and his Dancing with the Stars partner Lacey Schwimmer have branded the criticism as unfair.

Dancing with the Stars exec Green has weighed in on the controversy, telling The AP: “I hope that a lot of the people who appear to be upset at the moment will give him a chance and maybe realize it’s not quite as bad as they think.”

Green went on to deny claims made by the Culture and Media Institute that Dancing with the Stars is attempting to promote a sexual agenda.

“I think we’ve had three gay or transgender contestants out of about 120 on the show, so what we’re really doing is reflecting some of the make-up of this vast array of people that make up American society,” Green said.

Green also insisted that Bono was not invited to join Dancing with the Stars simply because he’s transgender, adding: “[Bono] comes from Hollywood royalty as a family and is familiar to loads of our audience throughout his life.”

I say let him compete. Not because I support the transgender community–I don’t. I don’t trust anyone who wants to sew up her ladybits and get rid of her boobs. Seriously? Who doesn’t want boobs? ‘Round these parts, that’s more than enough to condemn a person. But if there’s anything worse than a transgendered person, it’s a fat transgendered person. Dance off that fat, freakshow! If you’re going to be a man, than at least be a hot man. There’s plenty enough butterballs already in this world, thankyouverymuch.

Evan Rachel Wood at The Ides of March premiere at the Venice Film Festival, because A. She has boobs and B. She’s not fat. Do you really need me to spell it out for you? Sheesh.

Football star Hines Ward and dance partner Kym Johnson won the 12th season of Dancing with the Stars last night. I think this is the part where you’re supposed to pretend you care. The Daily Mail says:

Rivals Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy [took] second place over Mark Ballas and Disney sweetheart Chelsea Kane, who came in third place.

Kirstie showed off her rapidly diminishing figure during a sexy Cha Cha Cha with Maksim.

‘I think it would be fun to show the fans and the judges that my dress is half the size it was in week one,’ she said. ‘I have a lot more strength and a lot more stamina.’

I think what Kirstie was really lacking was a friendly barn spider to spell the word “radiant” in a web over her head when she was finished with her performance. Then she and Maks would have won for sure.

Lacey Schwimmer looking super-sexy at the DWTS after-party:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Dancing with the Stars veteran Karina Smirnoff’s Playboy cover has been released, along with one teaser pic (below) that’s supposed to pique your interest in seeing her nude. I don’t know about all that. Her body is fine and all, but she’s totally got a case of the man-face. Just look at that jawline. Slap some tights and a cape on her and she’s practically 1950′s Superman.

After being dropped by partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s during last week’s rrrrrrumba, Kirstie Alley continued her series of unfortunate events on last night’s Dancing with the Stars. Us Magazine says:

Kirstie Alley’s shoe fell off in the middle of her waltz.

“I think it’s a conspiracy! I think the other girls cut my shoe!” Alley, 60, joked after the blunder.

But seriously, the star wasn’t sure why her shoe fell off.

Well, I sure as hell know why her shoe fell off. It’s called physics. You can only harness so much cankle with a quarter-inch shoe strap strap before it snaps under the strain of the load. It’s the same reason you don’t moor an aircraft carrier to a pier with one of those strings they use to truss turkeys.

FF to the 1:10 mark:

Dancing with the Stars veteran Karina Smirnoff (currently partnered with Karate Kid’s Ralph Macchio) will be baring her vatruškas the upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. The Daily Mail says:

The pretty brunette has posed naked for Playboy magazine – and will appear on the cover of the May issue.

The announcement was made by Hugh Hefner, who tweeted: ‘The May issue of Playboy is unforgettable with Dancing With The Stars’ Karina Smirnoff on the cover & nude inside.’

I know you’re thinking the same thing I am right now — Hugh Hefner tweets? I thought old people were afraid of computers. Just like they’re afraid of turning off their blinkers and recycling.

Karina looking slutty at some Christmas Girls Night Out last year:

There are three questions in life a true friend will never ask you: 1) Don’t you think you’ve had enough wine?; 2) Where are your pants?; and 3) Did you catch last night’s “Dancing with the Stars?” So I’m not even gonna bother to ask if you saw it, because I’m a true friend like that (and also because I’m on my second bottle of wine and nude from the waist down), but it seems we missed out on seeing Kirstie Alley totally eat it onstage yesterday. The Daily Mail says:

60-year-old actress Kirstie Alley got dropped by [partner] Maksim Chmerkovskiy after his thigh gave out to her weight in a muscle spasm.

The couple stayed on the floor for about five seconds at the start of the routine before picking themselves up and continuing their dance.

‘My thigh just gave out – I’m so sorry,’ Maksim said after the dance was over. ‘Any dancer knows, it has to do with muscle strain… it had nothing to do with her.’

Oh, come on. It had everything to do with her. He strained his muscle while heaving her big fat ass around; ergo, it’s completely her fault. Maksim would have had better luck trying to tango with a Barcalounger.

Chris Brown managed not to punch any women or windows during his performance on last night’s Dancing with the Stars, although I’m sure plenty of people wanted to punch him in his big fat head for wearing that ridiculous suit. The Daily Mail says:

The 21-year-old performed two songs, Yeah 3X and a medley of his 2008 number one hit, Forever — [complete] with flips and somersaults.

While he was forced to lip-sync most of the song, there was no doubt that his dance moves were sublime.

Brown got a standing ovation from not only the audience but the all three judges Len Goodman, Bruno Tolioni and Carrie Ann Inaba.

Wait, I’m sorry — Dancing with the Stars? Are you fucking kidding me with this? You could get the same kind of street cred doing Wheel of Fortune. It just doesn’t get much more gangsta than that.