“Dancing with the Stars” Karina Smirnoff is a five-time U.S. National Dance Champion, World Trophy Champion, and Asian Open Champion, as well as the “first woman to ever make the British Professional Final with three different partners.” Well, I once had sex with three different partners in Great Britain. And they assured me they were professionals. A butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, as I recall. PETA tried to act like that didn’t count. Hypocrites!

Showing off her engagement ring (before they called off the wedding earlier this month) in a bikini:

The “Dancing with the D-list Stars” season 9 lineup has officially been announced, and boy is it chock full of losers and nobodies you’ve never heard of. The less-than-impressive roster includes:

Macy Gray –Macy Gray first burst onto the music scene with her debut album “On How Life Is” and the hit single “I Try,” both of which went to number one.

Melissa Joan Hart –Known for her starring roles in the television series “Clarissa Explains It All” and “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” Hart starred in the ABC Family Original Movie “Holiday in Handcuffs” opposite Mario Lopez.

Kathy Ireland — Kathy Ireland, the super model is now wife, mother of three, author, Sunday school teacher and fashion CEO, of kathy ireland Worldwide®.

Mya — Multi-platinum artist Mya, became a star at the age of 18 with three top 10 singles. Her fourth and fifth studio albums have been released in Japan.

Mark Dacascos — Famously known as host of Food Network’s “Iron Chef America,” Dacascos has appeared in several feature films including “Brotherhood of the Wolf,” “Only the Strong,” “Only the Brave,” and “The Lost Medallion.”

Ashely Hamilton — Son of former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant George Hamilton, Ashley co-wrote the top 10 Robbie Williams hit “Come Undone” and has writing credits for Hillary Duff and a starring role in “Sunset Beach.”

Michael Irvin — One of the most successful wide receivers in the history of the NFL, former Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin is a three-time Super Bowl champion and former broadcaster for ESPN’s “NFL Countdown.”

Donny Osmond — Osmond won the hearts of millions as a member of the Osmonds. Donny and [sister] Marie are currently performing at the Las Vegas Flamingo Hotel through 2012.

Tom DeLay — The former House Majority Leader is a prominent Republican and first elected to Congress in 1984.

Natalie Coughlin — Olympic swimming gold medalist Natalie Coughlin is the most decorated female athlete of both the 2008 Beijing and 2004 Athens Games.

Joanna Krupa — Polish-born Joanna Krupa moved to LA to pursue a career in modeling and acting. She’s been featured in E!’s “The Sexiest” and was selected as the cover model for Ocean Drive magazine.

Debi Mazar — Mazar’s feature film debut in Martin Scorsese’s “Goodfellas” set the stage for an extensive career in both television and film, [including] “Friends,” “Ugly Betty” and her own sitcom, CBS’ “Temporarily Yours.” She presently stars as publicist Shauna on HBO’s hit series “Entourage.”

Kelly Osbourne — Singer, actress and media personality, Kelly’s father is rock icon, Ozzy Osbourne, and her mother is well-known TV personality, Sharon Osbourne.

Aaron Carter — Younger brother of Backstreet Boys Nick Carter, Aaron Carter has appeared on “Lizzie McGuire” and “7th Heaven,” as well as [singing] vocals on soundtracks for “Disneymania Ella Enchanted,” “Pokeman” and “Rugrats the Movie.”

Chuck Lidell — Chuck Liddell is the face of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Liddell [was] the light-heavyweight champion of the world [and] was also inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame.

Louie Vito — Professional snowboarder Louie Vito is among the U.S.’s elite snowboarders favored to make the 2010 Olympic team. The 21 year-old is also a two-time winner of the USSA Grand Prix Halfpipe Series.

Wow, Macy Gray and Kelly Osbourne? Sorry, but I don’t think you can legally have that much sexy in one room. Not without several handlers armed with tranquilizer guns and on of those steel mesh harnesses, anyway. You never know when they might get spooked and go on a ranch-dressing fueled rampage.

Here’s a fun fact: Florida’s major industries are tourism, citrus fruits, phosphate mining, and crazy people. Seriously. Find a story about someone doing something really stupid/weird, and chances are they’re from Florida. Is it the humidity? Does it mess up the electric impulses being fired in the brain? Case in point:TMZ reports,

A man claiming he was “meant to be” with Shawn Johnson was arrested early Tuesday morning after trying to sneak on to the set of “Dancing With the Stars” — and cops say he had two loaded guns and duct tape in his car.

Johnson’s mother, Teri, has just filed a petition for a restraining order against the man, 34-year-old Robert O’Ryan. The restraining order seeks protection for 17-year-old Shawn, her mother, her father and her “Dancing” partner Mark Ballas.

According to documents filed by Johnson, “The LAPD searched [O'Ryan's] vehicle and located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.”

According to the documents, O’Ryan told police “He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

According to the CBS incident report, the whole thing started Monday afternoon when a CBS employee noticed O’Ryan jumping a fence and entering a hallway in the East Studio. Private security confronted him and asked for ID — and that’s when O’Ryan produced an expired concealed weapons license. When guards asked if he had a weapon on him, O’Ryan admitted to having 2 guns in his car. At that point, the guards alerted the LAPD.

It’s just a big misunderstanding, really. He thought she was talking through the TV set through ESP, but she really was just on ESPN. Ba-doom, BAH!

Lame-ass show Dancing with the Stars is about to get a whole lot more interesting. The Insider says,

Legendary entertainer Stevie Wonder was a guest this morning on 104.3 MY fm’s “Valentine in the Morning” and host Sean Valentine got the word from the singer himself on rumors that he will be on the 8th season of “Dancing With the Stars.”
The musical mastermind told the talk show host that he likes the idea but no decisions have been made.

“It’d be fun,” Stevie says. “It’s not impossible, but right now it’s just a thought.”

Valentine also asked the singer about his dancing ability.

“Come on,” Stevie says. “You’ve got to think if I have 7 children, I’ve got to be able to dance right?”

Ah ha ha ha, good one, Stevie. You’ve got the horizontal mambo down, so why couldn’t he learn a choreographed dance? I for one would love to see him incorporate a little bump and grind into the waltz. It’s so damn stuffy. It’s all about a straight carriage and floating across the floor, and being graceful and fluid, yawn. Throw in some thrusting, I say, and you’ve got yourself a weiner. Or winner. Whatever.