Kirstie Alley got the second highest scores of the evening during the Dancing with the Stars season 11 premiere last night. And no, they are not scored according to age or weight. I know, I was just as surprised as you are. Radar Online says:

Monday night, Alley — who had the second highest score of the evening — received 23 points for her dance with partner, as well as high praise from the judges.

Tonioli told her, “Your foot placement was the best of the night;” Inaba said her dance “had sizzle;” and Len Goodman told her, “It was fun, it was cheeky and it made me feel good.”

For being such a big fatass, she’s surprisingly nimble on her feet. It’s like watching an elephant walk a tightrope at the circus. Only it’s even better, because there’s always a chance this elephant could stumble and end up pancaking some poor tights-wearing Russian to the floor.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

The lineup for the new season of Dancing With the Stars was officially announced today, and I can practically feel you tittering with anticipation right now. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you on tenterhooks much longer! Us Magazine says:

Kirstie Alley, Kendra Wilkinson and Wendy Williams are among the new stars cast on the twelfth season of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.

Joining the women on the dance floor this season? Supermodel Petra Nemcova, Disney star Chelsea Kane, retired pro boxer Sugar Ray Leonard, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward, WWE wrestler Chris Jericho, Los Angeles-area radio disc jockey Mike Catherwood, rapper Romeo and Karate Kid’s Ralph Macchio.

The new celebs will dance for DWTS judges starting March 21 on ABC.

I pride myself on never having seen one episode of this piece-of-shit show. I can’t think of any reason you would watch the show in the first place, unless you’re an overweight homosexual who lives in his mother’s “downstairs apartment” with his two cats. Other than somebody paying me, I could only think of ten reasons I might watch the show. I was nice enough to make you a list.

TOP TEN REASONS I MIGHT WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS:

10. I only have two channels and one of those channels is all Pauly Shore, all the time

9. Terrorists are holding my gramma hostage and will only release her if I watch

8. I get to sit on Johnny Depp’s face the whole time

7. Someone digitally replaces all of the contestants’ heads with giant dog heads

6. Two words: open bar

5. I can watch it tripping balls while syncing it with Dark Side of the Moon

4. They tell me at some point during the show, Kirstie Alley explodes

3. It granted me full immunity and access to a bunker loaded with assault rifles

2. I can watch the show projected onto Kelly Brook’s breasts

and the number one reason I might watch Dancing with the Stars:

1. A gypsy curse turned me into that overweight homosexual who lives in his mother’s “downstairs apartment” with his two cats. Seriously, who fucking watches this show?

Kendra Wilkinson at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week last month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Well, this is unexpected: Lindsay Lohan has rejected an offer to appear on next season’s “Dancing With the Stars” to hold out for better projects. Because who isn’t chomping at the bit to put an un-insurable thrice-rehabbed drug addict on their payroll? Radar Online says:

“We are huge fans of the show and think it’s incredible,” [Lohan's mother] Dina said, “but it is not going to happen.”

While Dina confirmed Lindsay gave the offer serious consideration, [she claims] the Mean Girls star has decided to keep her focus [elsewhere].

“She has so many projects she is considering… and her true love is film.”

Oh, come on now. Do “Herbie: Fully Loaded” and “I Know Who Killed Me” even qualify as “film?” I’m pretty sure they were both shot entirely on 2-ply DiamondWeave ultra-absorbent Charmin. For a dependable clean you can count on!™

Lindsay Lohan might have lost her role in “Inferno,” but her career isn’t over just yet — she’s reportedly in talks with ABC to be a contestant on next season’s “Dancing With the Stars.” Radar Online says:

“Lindsay has been talking with the DWTS people,” a source close to the actress [said]. “She is definitely interested and considering being on the show.”

“Lindsay’s treatment team thinks Dancing With the Stars would be a perfect transition back to work for her. She would have a set schedule everyday, would be occupied and would be very productive. Lindsay wanted their approval before proceeding in talks with the producers and she got it,” a source [said].

The producers of the hit show have wanted Lilo for a while.

“Dancing with the Stars producers have had Lindsay on their wish list of cast mates for a very long time,” a source [added].

“Dancing with the Stars” is as close to over as a career can get without actually dying. It’s the clenching sphincter around the turtlehead dangling precariously over the toilet called “hosting Family Feud” and then “obscurity.”

Rehashing those old Muse magazine photos in this month’s Max Magazine:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

After last night’s elimination episode, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is hanging up his “Dancing with the Stars” sparkly vests and see-through shirts and headed back to the Jersey Shore. Where he will promptly pull them back out to go clubbing, once he’s had a chance to unpack and get settled in and everything. The Daily Mail says:

The reality star with the chiseled abs was eliminated from “Dancing With the Stars” tonight.

He and professional partner Karina Smirnoff came into the show in last place after performing an Argentine tango Monday that one judge called ‘a terrible mess.’

Sorrentino said he thought the judges’ scores were unfair.

“The judges were so unpositive and didn’t even see the work I put in, didn’t even see the progress I made this week,” a frustrated Sorrentino said during the results episode.

Well, it’s always better to get unnegative comments from the judges than unpositive ones. The unpositive ones just make you feel ungood about yourself. And that’s just unright.

With only five days to practice after shooting for the third season of Jersey Shore wrapped, The Situation tied for last place on the Dancing With the Stars premiere last night. According to Us Magazine:

The Situation said [before the show], “I am most worried about not being prepared for my first dance.”

And he wasn’t.

Of his cha cha, judge Len Goodman said, “It lacked polish. You’ve got the guns, but not the ammunition. Better luck next week.” Bruno Tonioli told him, “You’re gonna look like a jackass if you carry on like that… you have to take this seriously.”

He and partner Karina Smirnoff walked away with 15 out of 30, tying Margaret Cho and David Hasselhoff for the lowest score of the night.

I don’t think telling The Situation that he’s gonna “look like a jackass” if he keeps it up is gonna light any kind of fire underneath him. He’s already made millions by looking like a jackass on Jersey Shore, and said jackassery is what landed him on DWTS in the first place. That’s like trying to threaten Britney Spears with a pound of bacon and one of those nut-covered cheese logs.

The Situation, Audrina Patridge, and Sarah Palin (Hasselhoff after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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In news that you’re guaranteed not to give a shit about, unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin has joined the cast of season 11′s “Dancing with the D-listers Has-Beens Nobodies Stars.” Star Magazine says:

Bristol Palin — daughter of Sarah Palin and baby mama of Levi Johnston — will be hitting the dance floor on the upcoming 11th season of Dancing With the Stars.

She will join The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey and The Brady Bunch’s Florence Henderson.

The full list of DWTS constants will be announced during The Bachelor Pad on Monday night. The series will premiere Sept. 20 on ABC.

I’m sure this little stint on DWTS will open a whole world of opportunity for her. Like doing the commentary for Tru TV’s “World’s Dumbest Criminals” or telling me how the folks at Dobbs Nissan-Suzuki don’t care if you have bad credit or no credit — repossession or bankruptcy, you’re still approved!

Demonstrating that satin is NOT her friend at some charity event last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kate Gosselin must be feeling the sting stink of rejection right about now. The Dancing With The Stars cast is planning a reunion dinner, and she’s not invited! Says Popeater,

This year’s crop of celebrity hoofers on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ have stayed so close since the end of season 10 that they’re even planning a big reunion dinner in Los Angeles in three weeks. All were invited, save for one: Kate Gosselin.

“Her invite must have gotten lost in the mail,” one ‘Dancing’ insider tells me. “Of course she was not invited! We all became close during and after the show except Kate who hasn’t returned anyone’s calls or emails. You know it’s bad when even creepy bachelor, Jake Pavelka, gets invited but she doesn’t.”

Everyone’s just scared to be around her if she dances without the constraints of choreographing. She makes Pinocchio look positively graceful and would most likely take everyone out with her flailing limbs. But instead of getting gold coins thrown at her, it would be shattered cocktail glasses. At least that’s what I’d hope for. I’ve got no strings on me!

Walking around with the Mongoloids:

Football Hall of Famer and “Dancing with the Stars” veteran Lawrence Taylor was charged with third-degree rape of a 16-year-old prostitute who was brought to his New York hotel room against her will. The NY Daily News says

A nervous-looking Taylor was arraigned on charges of third-degree rape and patronizing a prostitute.

The whereabouts of the teenager was not known, but police believe [her pimp] forced her to sleep with Taylor and gave her a black eye when she initially refused.

But when asked if Taylor knew the teenager he paid $300 to have sex with was a minor, Ramapo Police Chief Peter Brower said, “Ignorance is not an excuse to an individual’s age.”

This whole “sexual assault on a minor” and “punching a tenth-grader the head” thing is really kind of a downer. It’s not something I want to spend too much time dwelling on. So instead, here’s Tila Tequila, because if anyone ever deserved a rape and a beating, it’s her. See how it all comes full circle?

Cinco de Mayo is a week-long celebration at my house, so Sonya’s in for me tomorrow. Adiós, cabrónes!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Now that Kate Gosselin has dropped ten pounds, eighty-sixed the reverse mullet and joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars, Jon Gosselin is very, very unhappy. But don’t you worry — he’ll find his way back into the spotlight, even if he has to pull down his pants to do it. According to MSNBC

Playgirl magazine will not be [offering Gosselin] anything near the $100,000 Levi Johnston got for posing.

“We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000,” Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio told Life & Style.

His diminishing popularity has something to do with it. “His star is extinguishing, and honestly, it’d be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot,” Nardicio said.

I can’t believe Playgirl is balking at the chance to have Jon Gosselin pose nude. I’m sure there are a lot of gay men out there who would love to see a doughy, middle-aged Korean with bitch tits and stingray mouth artfully arrayed across the glossy pages of a magazine. The real trick here would be convincing the readers it’s not actually Margaret Cho. I can see how that might pose a problem.

Kate at a DWTS thing last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka revealed on last night’s Bachelor finale that he will be starring on the tenth season of ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars,” along with some other equally D-list has-beens and nobodies. People Magazine says

[The season ten cast includes] astronaut Buzz Aldrin, reality star Kate Gosselin, Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek, actresses [Shannon] Doherty and [Pamela] Anderson, Pussycat Dolls star Nicole Scherzinger, soap star Aiden Turner, NFL star Chad Ochocinco, ESPN’s Erin Andrews, and actress-comedian Niecy Nash.

The new Dancing season kicks off March 22 on ABC.

Well, the good news is that Kate Gosselin already has her very own Asian sweatshop at her disposal. That ought to save the DWTS costume department a fortune in lycra-polyester blends and manual labor.

“Dancing with the Stars” Karina Smirnoff is a five-time U.S. National Dance Champion, World Trophy Champion, and Asian Open Champion, as well as the “first woman to ever make the British Professional Final with three different partners.” Well, I once had sex with three different partners in Great Britain. And they assured me they were professionals. A butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, as I recall. PETA tried to act like that didn’t count. Hypocrites!

Showing off her engagement ring (before they called off the wedding earlier this month) in a bikini: