If you watched the Kids Teen Choice Awards last night, you’re either 1) in middle school; 2) gay; or 3) gay and in middle school. But that’s not the point here. The point is, even if you did watch the show, this little clip of Dane Cook telling Vanessa Hudgens, “Girl, you gots to keep yo clothes on! Phones are for phone calls, girl!” was noticeably absent. That’s because Fox cut it from the broadcast, which was actually filmed Sunday night. But thanks to the power of the internet, you still get to see Vanessa Hudgens’ stupid face when he calls her out for those topless pics in front of an entire theater audience of her peers. Interestingly, this marks the first time in my life that I’ve watched anything starring Dane Cook for more than 0.03 seconds. It has to be one for the books, people!
UPDATE: I mistakenly wrote “Kids Choice Awards” instead of “Teen Choice Awards.” To those of you who noticed and sent me outraged indecipherable text speak emails: you’re fags. Duly noted.
Hi guys, it’s Sarah today. I live in Minnesota and it’s -15º Fahrenheit here right now, so I would be at least halfway inclined to believe I’ve been cursed by fate to suffer, if not for the upliftingly hilarious fact that Dane Cook’s brother is being arraigned today for stealing a shit ton of money from him. From the Boston Globe:
The older half-brother of Dane Cook was charged yesterday with stealing millions of dollars from the Massachusetts-based actor-comedian over the past 18 months while serving as his personal business manager.
Darryl McCauley, 43, is scheduled to be arraigned this morning in Woburn District Court on charges of larceny, forgery, and larceny by continuous scheme. He was arrested at his Wilmington home yesterday by State Police.
I goddamn hate Dane Cook because he is one of the unfunniest people on the planet, so each and every news story about misery befalling his douchetard ass warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart. The only way this would be better is if he were hit by lightning at some point, or maybe if he got evicted again.
In what might possibly be the first concrete evidence that God exists and does not hate us, Dane Cook was evicted from his apartment because he is a selfish, oblivious asshole who refuses to use a pooper scooper. He tried to appeal the eviction, and was essentially told to go straight to hell. From Page Six:
The LA sheriff’s office slapped Cook with an eviction notice after he repeatedly failed to clean up after his dog. But Cook, who just bought a $7 million house in the Hollywood Hills, went back to court last week to appeal, claiming the eviction caused him “emotional hardship” and that the apartment inspires him creatively. The plea didn’t work.
This pleases me immensely. I feel about Dane Cook the way most people feel about non-consensual sex with a disease riddled stranger of questionable sexual identity. However, I can see how this whole situation would be really difficult for him. I mean, you can’t expect a sack of shit to go around cleaning up piles of shit. That’s like asking someone to shoot their own brother in the face.
Cosmopolitan named their annual “Fun and Fearless Men” yesterday in New York, and the one thing the esteemed honorees seemed to have in common — besides their penchant for chest waxing — was Jessica Simpson’s ass. Current boyfriend Tony Romo, ex John Mayer and fling Dane Cook were all among the nominated at the awards. MSNBC says
Romo broke the ice by accepting his award and saying, “Along the red carpet I was asked about 20 times what makes a fun and fearless male, and I didn’t really have an answer, but then I got to thinking … Dane Cook … John Mayer … If you dig Jessica Simpson, I guess you get to do this.”
Not to be outdone, another honoree, rapper Common, accepted his award saying, “Thank you for this award. I haven’t hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I still earned it.”
“Fun and Fearless,” was it? In my day, they called ‘em “Shortbus Stalkers” and you certainly didn’t get an award for it.
