In what might possibly be the first concrete evidence that God exists and does not hate us, Dane Cook was evicted from his apartment because he is a selfish, oblivious asshole who refuses to use a pooper scooper.  He tried to appeal the eviction, and was essentially told to go straight to hell.  From Page Six:

The LA sheriff’s office slapped Cook with an eviction notice after he repeatedly failed to clean up after his dog. But Cook, who just bought a $7 million house in the Hollywood Hills, went back to court last week to appeal, claiming the eviction caused him “emotional hardship” and that the apartment inspires him creatively. The plea didn’t work.

This pleases me immensely.  I feel about Dane Cook the way most people feel about non-consensual sex with a disease riddled stranger of questionable sexual identity.  However, I can see how this whole situation would be really difficult for him.  I mean, you can’t expect a sack of shit to go around cleaning up piles of shit.  That’s like asking someone to shoot their own brother in the face.

Cosmopolitan named their annual “Fun and Fearless Men” yesterday in New York, and the one thing the esteemed honorees seemed to have in common — besides their penchant for chest waxing — was Jessica Simpson’s ass. Current boyfriend Tony Romo, ex John Mayer and fling Dane Cook were all among the nominated at the awards. MSNBC says

Romo broke the ice by accepting his award and saying, “Along the red carpet I was asked about 20 times what makes a fun and fearless male, and I didn’t really have an answer, but then I got to thinking … Dane Cook … John Mayer … If you dig Jessica Simpson, I guess you get to do this.”

Not to be outdone, another honoree, rapper Common, accepted his award saying, “Thank you for this award. I haven’t hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I still earned it.”

“Fun and Fearless,” was it? In my day, they called ‘em “Shortbus Stalkers” and you certainly didn’t get an award for it.