You know how I know Harry Potter’s gay? This:

Among the topics touched upon in the [October 2008 Details] interview: Radcliffe’s dream role. “I think part of me would love to play a drag queen, just because it would be an excuse to wear loads of eye makeup,” the actor tells the magazine.

You know another good excuse to wear loads of eye makeup? Having a vagina and fallopian tubes. Being gay is a close second.

Attention all dorks, geeks, and/or virgins living in their mothers’ basements: Harry and Hermione might be dating! Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson spent Valentine’s Day in each other’s arms at The Imperial Arms in West London. Page Six quotes a source as saying:

“They arrived quite late at the pub and sat outside, using each other’s bodies for warmth. Throughout the night, he just kept giggling like a love-struck teen. They seemed totally absorbed in one another’s company… until just before closing time. They then left the pub, heads together and whispering, and headed in the direction of Daniel’s home nearby.”

Boy, that Hermione sure gets around. I thought she was supposed to be Ron’s Weasley’s girl. It’s only a matter of time before video of her tag-teaming Hagrid and a couple of randy centaurs in the Forbidden Forest hits the Wizarding Wireless Network and Warner Brothers drops her like a bad habit.

I know that most of you, like me, lie awake at night wondering “Is Harry Potter circumsised?” The answer is a resounding hell no. These promos of Daniel Radcliffe in his new play “Equus” will definitely satisfy your muggle lust for the world’s favorite incredibly uncircumsised wizard. It’s a lot to take in. The only thing I can really say about these pictures is “Hab SoSlI’ Quch!,” which, loosely translated, means “Your mother has a smooth forehead.” Technically it’s Klingon instead of Latin, but I think it still applies.

UPDATE: According to Perez Hilton, the aforementioned picture is indeed a fake. Apparently Harry’s wiener isn’t quite that impressive. A source who saw Equus told the site, “The frank was not impressive at all, but the beans were. He kept pulling on it [his dickydoo] when he had his back to the audience. Bless his heart! He has bigger balls than I do! You could not pay me to do that!” Look forward to more sleepless night’s pondering Harry Potter’s foreskin or lack thereof.