Oh hey look, one of The Jonas Brothers got married.  Not The Middle One (aka The Gay One) and not The Little One; it was The Old One.  I know that even squeeing tween Jonas Brothers fans don’t care about The Old One, but apparently People Magazine doesn’t know that, because his wedding photo is on their cover like it’s important or something.  But oh mah gawd, y’all, you HAVE to see the article they wrote about it, because this wedding was pretty much the fruitiest thing since Sunny Delight:

Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa’s wedding earlier this month was like a fairy tale – complete with a castle, an enchanted forest and glass slippers in the bride’s shoe size, a gift from the groom.

“I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle,” Jonas told PEOPLE of the nuptials.

“I always wanted my wedding to have that princess feel,” adds the new Mrs. Jonas. “I couldn’t have imagined this,” she says of her lavish wedding Dec. 19 at Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York.

Despite a blizzard blanketing the roads around the castle, the wedding went forward without a hitch, and the bride, escorted by her father Thomas “Bucky” Deleasa, walked down the aisle to “Bella Notte,” from Lady and the Tramp, played on the guitar by a friend of the Jonas family. “I’m an Italian girl. It just fit me and my dad,” said Danielle of the song choice.

She wore GLASS SLIPPERS, you guys.  And her dad’s name is Bucky and she walked down the aisle to a song from goddamn Lady and the Tramp.  That’s like a clinical level of retardation.  Which I suppose means this marriage is serendipitous, since Old Jonas looks clinically retarded.