Lindsay Lohan apparently only has one standard when it comes to potential lovers in Capri — that they have a penis. Hear that, old, fat and hairy? That’s the sound of Lohan legs spreading for you! The Daily Mail says

Actor Dario Faiella… made it back to her [hotel] room. She had been all over him earlier in the evening at a nightclub, snogging him before launching herself on top of him as they got physical on the nightclub sofa. Li-Lo was clearly smitten with her choice, [showing] an undressed Faiella her appreciation with a loving hand on his derriére out on her room balcony.

All that old bastard’s missing is a tattered bathrobe and a pack of Merit Ultra Lights and he could be my Uncle Frank. He looks like he ought to be laid out in a Lazy Boy with a hand down his pants, pouring nacho cheese straight out of the jar into his mouth and farting from time to time. God, that chick is a slut. I bet if you tossed a handful of pubes on a Christmas ham, Lindsay would crawl up on to the table and start dry-humping it right there in front of everybody. That’s when a good rolled up newspaper to the nose and a stern “Lindsay, NO!” are in order. If you happen across a pile of feces, you should also probably rub her face in it.