Recently divorced Katy Perry has moved on from French model Baptiste Biabiconi to Florence + The Machine guitarist Robert Ackroyd. I’m sure Florence is totally stoked. Radar Online says:

The singer made out with Robert at the Coachella Music Festival and it looks like she liked it.

Katy and Robert held hands, cuddled and kissed while watching Rihanna perform… and [she even] referred to him as her “boyfriend.”

Well, just because you refer to someone as your boyfriend doesn’t actually make them your boyfriend. My probation officer was very clear about that.

Katy Perry in a pattern from McCall’s Slutty at Coachella:

If you felt a great disturbance in the Force this morning, it’s probably because Rihanna’s a lesbian now. The NY Daily News says:

“I’m on my first date in almost 2 yearz,” the singer tweeted, adding that her “lover for the night” was longtime friend Melissa Forde.

[Rihanna] and Forde were photographed holding hands after having dinner at Giorgio Baldi [and] making their way over to Roxbury nightclub.

Photos that Forde posted online earlier in the night may not help squash the speculation either.

Though Rihanna is usually the one tweeting scantily-clad photos of herself, Forde was the photographer behind a series of risqué images of the singer that have since been deleted from her account.

Jesus, that chick is heinous. It’s not just the angle, either. She looks equally repulsive from the side. I guess after two years, just about anything becomes fuckable. Just ask that dude that got his wiener stuck in a park bench or that guy who was busted porking his own bicycle.

Those aforementioned “risque photos” + some from her photo shoot for Harper’s Bazaar (more after the jump):

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A “pal” of the couple’s (i.e. Kris Jenner) went blabbing to the tabloids that Kanye West is “genuinely head over heels” for reality harlot Kim Kardashian. I’m assuming that’s referencing some sorta Armenian sex position. Us Magazine says:

“It’s not a PR stunt,” the source insists of the rapper and reality star. “They’re perfect for each other. He thinks she’s his Beyonce!”

Indeed, after years of a flirty friendship — West pursued Kardashian “for a long time,” another source says — the stars were finally aligned for the twosome (who share a fondness for luxury and the spotlight) to finally get romantic.

Is there a word for the searing rage and white-hot vitriol that the mere sight of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West incites? Ah, yes — tequila. BRB.

At LAX with her sisters:

Kim Kardashian, according to a “source”, is ready to move on from her marriage to Kris Humphries to more narcissistic grounds. Namely, Kanye West. This is also know in theological circles as, “The Whore of Babylon and The Beast pairing in a culmination of ultimate abomination”. Says Digital Spy,

The two, who were first spotted on a date on Wednesday (April 4), have been romantically linked a number of times.

“They’ve been friends for years,” a source told Us Weekly.

“Kim is ready to give it a try now,” the insider added.

The alleged couple enjoyed lunch together on Thursday, eating at the Serafina restaurant in New York City, according to TMZ.

In March, Kardashian laughed off rumors that she was involved with the rapper.

I don’t even want to think about the implications of the combined power of their narcissism could bring. I heard that in the Apocrypha, that upon hearing of their unholy joining, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse curl up in little balls, rocking back and forth, wailing for heaven to come down on their heads. It’s that bad, people.

It appears that Ashton Kutcher may have been a tad too cerebral for Demi Moore, because she’s been hitting up high schools greener pastures for an even younger stud in the hopes that nobody takes the sad old mare out back and shoots it already. Us Magazine says:

“She’s been really down, and she’s surrounding herself with young people to make her feel better,” an insider tells Us of Moore, who’s been obsessed for years with staying young and thin.

One of Moore’s favorite young stars to party with — and flirt with — is daughter Rumer Willis’s longtime friend Zac Efron, 24, a hunk nine years younger than Kutcher, 33.

A wired, gaunt Moore “tracked down” the High School Musical star at a party in L.A.’s Venice neighborhood, an insider tells Us. “She seemed out of her mind at this party.”

Well, it makes good financial sense for the two of them to start dating, really. Think of all the money they’ll save sharing their estrogen creams and hormone patches and hair products. Who’s a pretty girl? No, YOU are!

Like a paper cut to the taint of all things explainable, George Clooney’s ex-girfriend Elisabetta Canalis is now dating “Jackass” star Steve-O. You’ll remember Steve-O from such favorites as “Fart Mask” and “Butt Fireworks.” I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen the photo myself. TMZ says:

The mystery is over … Steve-O and Elisabetta Canalis are DEFINITELY more than friends … and yesterday they engaged in a little mouth-on-mouth PDA to prove it.

Going from George Clooney to Steve-O is like trading in your Lotus for a fucking rickshaw pulled by a one-armed blind man. I don’t know how something like this even happens. I’m guessing some sort of Russian mind-control drug or a partial lobotomy.

Cameron Diaz and P. Diddy claimed they were just collaborating on a movie project when they were caught having lunch together last month, but it looks like their little ruse is up, because Cammy D and Puff Daddy were spotted sucking face at PH-D bar in New York on Saturday night. Nine MSN says:

Cameron allegedly had dinner with friends in the hotel lobby before moving upstairs to the bar, where she was joined by rapper [Sean P. Diddy Combs].

Onlookers said Diaz and Diddy were “attached to each other all night… they were kissing and making out in a very affectionate manner” before leaving together at 3am.

I’m gonna give Cameron a free pass on this one. It was three in the morning and she’d been drinking since dinner. Eight hours’ worth of Long Island ice teas and you’d probably go home with Puff Daddy, too. Even if it was just to throw up in the back of the Benz directly on his Prada calfskin shoes.

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were photographed leaving his Boston apartment together early Saturday morning, leading many to speculate that they totally did it the night before. And if they’re doing it, they must be dating, at least according to everyone born before 1953. Us Weekly says:

The Gossip Girl actress has been spotted visiting Reynolds for three weekends in a row now in Boston, where the 33-year-old is currently shooting action flick R.I.P.D.

In addition to a sushi date, the pair was also spotted at Beantown’s South Station, where Reynolds was seen giving Lively an affectionate goodbye.

“They’re seeing each other casually,” a Lively source [said]. “Now they’re both single and trying it out.”

If you made the mistake of paying to see the Green Lantern, then you know exactly how little chemistry these two have. It’s all wet matches and cold tapioca. If I wanted to look at dry WASP-y love all day, I’d just live at home with my parents.

Leaving his hotel with their dogs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In what sadly is not the first of many boring non-stories today, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lopez let it leak that they are officially “casually dating.” Which in turn finds us officially not giving a shit. TMZ says:

The two went on a dinner date in New York City last month. They had not been spotted out again until yesterday — when a photo surfaced of Bradley Cooper driving an SUV and a woman who certainly looked like JLo … covering her face in the passenger seat.

According to our sources, the woman in the photo is definitely JLo. Our sources say “they are definitely dating.”

I have lint in my dryer that’s more interesting than this crap. And I have a an uncle who wears daisy duke cutoffs and waxes his bikini line who’s less gay than Bradley Cooper. They really should have made this a story about me so we didn’t die of sheer boredom.

Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up this past August after three years together, but it looks like they might be reconciling. The Daily Mail says:

The two were spotted at Morgans South Beach, ‘laughing and having a fun breakfast together,’ according to [a] source.

‘They met up to try and figure it out,’ one mole [said]. ‘They are trying to see what the future holds for them. They may eventually get back together. This was not some sort of final conversation and meeting between them.”

I really couldn’t give two shits about what the future holds for either one of them. I just wanted an excuse to put up these pictures of Minka Kelly. If it was all Lindsay Lohan teeth and Marion Cotillard nipples here I’d never see you again.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan met German designer Phillip Plein on Friday; on Saturday, she was his new muse and model; and by Sunday she was fucking him. Okay, I’m kidding about that last part. We all know she fucked him the first day she met him. The Daily Mail says:

[Less than 24 hours after meeting him], Lohan was revealed as the face of the 33-year-old German’s embellished designs and was modeling for him.

The pair have been tactile since they met at Milan Fashion Week [on Friday] but last night they appeared to share a lingering kiss, shielded by a body guard.

Wearing a slinky black dress from Plein’s new line, Lindsay became slightly disheveled and seemingly more amorous [as the night wore on].

The Mean Girls star hadn’t seen a stitch of Plein’s new line until Saturday. She admitted that the collaboration came about ‘spontaneously.’

But by Sunday, as she posed [in his clothes] at Lake Como, she said: ‘Something important to know about this collection is that its expressing something a little bit more edgy.’

Whatever. He’s a virtual no-name who just hitched his cart to her tabloid notoriety to get free press for his shitty clothes, and she’s a drug addict who just wants instant access to all his German coke dealer friends. It’s mutualistic symbiosis, but with more syphilis and stimulants.

Miranda Kerr in a bikini from an old GQ photoshoot, because I don’t wanna have to look at any more Lindsay Lohan today:

In case you weren’t entirely convinced that Bradley Cooper is gay, this ought to seal the deal for you. TMZ says:

Jennifer Lopez might be moving on from hubby Marc Anthony in a big way — because last night she went out on a date with Bradley Cooper.

The two hit up Per Se, a restaurant located at Columbus Circle in New York City. We’re told the dinner was “romantic” and was just the two of them.

Bradley Cooper is a sexy, stubble-y 36-year old man who could have any hot piece in Hollywood he wanted, yet he went for the thrice-divorced 42-year old mother-of-two in gigantic Spanx. And before her, it was Renee fucking Zellweger. If it were any clearer this man were gay, he’d be wearing ribbons in his hair and tossing handfuls of glitter as he pirouetted down the street.

Jennifer and her power panties last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures