A German model was charged Thursday with trying to extort $100,000 from Cindy Crawford by using a “sexy” photo of the supermodel’s then-7-year-old daughter Kaia “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged.” The picture, reportedly stolen from the Crawford’s former nanny, was simply part of an innocuous “cops and robbers” game the nanny claims to have played with the children. Yeah, that’s normal. The NY Daily News says

[German model and the nanny's ex-boyfriend] Edis Kayalar [initially] told Crawford and Gerber [back in July] that he was broke and wanted a reward for returning the photo, portraying himself as a “good guy.”

Gerber met Kayalar and Kayalar handed the photo over. Gerber gave him $1,000 for his “trouble.”

But Kayalar contacted the couple two days later, allegedly claiming he still had a copy of the photo and threatening to sell it to a tabloid for $500,000.

Crawford and Gerber went to the cops, who picked up Kayalar. He was turned over to immigration officials, who booted him from the country in September because he was here illegally.

Well, all’s well that ends well, right? Um, not exactly…

The couple thought their nightmare was over until Nov. 1, when Kayalar e-mailed them from Germany with new threats of selling the photo to a tabloid if they did not pay him $100,000.

Kayalar allegedly gave Gerber a German bank account number and routing information, saying the money should be wired within three days or the photo would be made public.

As of Thursday night, Kayalar had not been arrested. Authorities were searching for him in Germany.

Well, if you don’t want sexy bondage pictures of your second-grader on the internet, DON’T LEAVE THEM WITH FUCKING STRANGERS WHILE YOU GO GALLIVANTING AROUND EUROPE!!!! Just like you don’t leave your kids on the railroad tracks while you run errands and you don’t give them a dry cleaning bag and a handgun to occupy them while you touch up your makeup. Jesus Christ. Am I taking crazy pills? It seems so common sense to me! And for the record, I’m pretty sure that “au pair” is actually French for “shitty parent.” Look it up.

Cindy with her daughter in Hawaii last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

D-listers galore have spawned this week — “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” star Sarah Michelle Gellar, “Grey’s Anatomy” actress Ellen Pompeo, and sometimes-model-turned-Jude-Law’s-drunken-bootycall Samantha Burke all gave birth within the last four days. People magazine says

Sarah Michelle Prinze and husband Freddie Prinze Jr. welcomed their daughter Charlotte Grace Prinze on Saturday, Sept. 19. This is the first child for the couple.

They go on to say

Jude Law is a father – again.

Samantha Burke, the 24-year-old aspiring actress whom Law met while filming Sherlock Holmes in New York City last year, gave birth to a daughter Tuesday night.

And even more blahbitty blah blah blah:

It’s a girl for Ellen Pompeo!

The Grey’s Anatomy star, 39, welcomed a daughter, Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery, on Sept. 15 in Los Angeles.

Ugh, the only way this post could be any more boring is if it were read aloud by Wilford fucking Brimley and somehow translated into bean curd and denture adhesive.

51-year old Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says

Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers - including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.

If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz

Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?

Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!

Duffman, thrusting:

Mike Tyson’s 4-year-old daughter Exodus is on life support today after somehow getting her neck caught in a treadmill cable over the weekend. People Magazine says

The girl was reportedly found by her 7-year-old brother with her neck caught in a cable attached to a treadmill.

The boy alerted the girl’s mother in another room. Her mother called 911 and tried to revive her. Mike Tyson was said to be in Las Vegas at the time of the accident, but has returned home.

Phoenix police told FOX News, “Somehow she was playing on this treadmill, and there’s a cord that hangs under the console – it’s kind of a loop. Either she slipped or put her head in the loop, but it acted like a noose, and she was obviously unable to get herself off of it.”

Emergency personnel performed CPR on Exodus, who was rushed to St. Joseph’s Hospital where she remains on life support. [Officers] described her condition as “extremely critical.”

If there’s one thing my years as a professional journalist have taught me, it’s that innocent children on hovering on the edge of death aren’t exactly “snark material,” so enjoy these pictures of Kim Kardashian in a bikini instead. And then go hug your kid if you have one.

UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Exodus died at 11:45 this morning. So, so sad.

File this one under “Things You Only Read about in Fairy Tales with Poison Apples:” Madonna is reportedly jealous of her 12-year old daughter Lourdes’ beauty. According to OK! Magazine

“Madonna can’t stand that Lourdes is growing into a beautiful teen,” a source [says] of the 50-year-old singer. “She seems envious of her youth and looks. She knows Lourdes is going to be gorgeous and will get the attention. It’s disturbing.”

Not surprisingly, the superstar is desperately trying to keep her daughter in a permanent state of girlhood. Last year, the beauty team on Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour had strict orders not to touch Lourdes’s bushy eyebrows. “[And] Madonna refused to let Lourdes have a hairdresser. She probably didn’t want her daughter to look better than her,” [adds] the source.

Mmm, yeah, that seems about right. All that’s left now is for Lourdes to prick her finger on a spinning wheel’s spindle before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday and Madonna can finally turn into the evil fire-breathing dragon she really is. From the looks of her face in that picture, I’d say she’s already halfway there.

Lourdes leaving the Kabbalah Center in NYC: