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Well, here it is in black and white, folks: David Copperfield is a dirty fucking rapist. According to the NY Daily News

A friend of the woman’s [said] “Copperfield invited [the woman in question] to a lavish party at his remote compound in the Bahamas, but when she got there, she discovered there was no party and no other guests. She wanted to go home right away, but David [said] she could leave the next day if she really wanted to. That night, Copperfield forced himself on her, holding her arms down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises. She told me she fought back, but that just seemed to turn him on more. After Copperfield had finished with her, [she used] her cell phone to take photos of the crime scene. In order to preserve physical evidence, she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle… and drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her.”

Agents from Seattle’s FBI office later coordinated a sting operation with the woman – encouraging her to e-mail the magician and arranging a meeting in Vegas, according to the friend.

Movies like “The Prestige” and “The Illusionist” might have convinced you that magicians are totally cool and powerful, but I’m here to remind you they’re not. They’re huge queers like Criss Angel and that douchebag who locked himself in underwater bubble for a week. Blain? Bain? No matter. For all practical purposes his name should have been “Cum Stain.” Look, having millions of dollars and a show in Vegas doesn’t erase two decades spent as “Eliazar the Infernal Voice Third Level Elven Rogue” or an adolescence filled with purple nurples. It takes several years of hard drinking and a lot sex with prostitutes before you can really ever shake those shackles of dorkdom.

Here’s Jessica Simpson (with SNL alum Cheri Oteri) at the Frederick’s of Hollywood 2008 Spring Collection yesterday, because Jessica has nice legs and David Copperfield doesn’t:

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David Copperfield had his hard drive and digital cameras yanked by the FBI last week because he’s a sicko pervert who doesn’t know how to approach women. According to TMZ

Copperfield designed part of his show around “a system for picking up women.” During his show, David goes into the audience and chooses women to come on stage. [If] David likes a girl, he’ll use code words with assistants like “mama” and “secrecy.” The assistants mark the women on a map of the inside of the Hollywood Theater at MGM Grand. After the show, the women are brought backstage. The women are told that David may use them in his show when he comes to their hometown. They are then photographed with a digital camera, asked questions like, “What is your favorite men’s cologne?” and “Where do you like to vacation?” We’re told one of those vacation spots mentioned by staff is the Bahamas, where the accuser claims she was assaulted. Copperfield owns a cluster of islands in the Bahamas — which he bought for $50 million.

This jerkoff is wasting an insane amount of time and effort. First of all, he’s rich, and being rich is the single easiest way into a woman’s pants. Not because of the fancy cars or the big houses. It’s because Rohypnol and GHB cost money. So does rope, duct tape, knitting needles, disposable razors, fire ant farms, eighteenth century iron restraints, and enemas. Doesn’t seem like much, but believe you me, it all adds up in the end!

Ex-fiancee Claudia Schiffer at the Swarovski Fashion Rocks concert last week:

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David Copperfield’s Las Vegas warehouse was raided by FBI agents Wednesday night, and among the evidence seized was a computer hard drive, a digital camera system, and roughly $2 million in cash. According to People:

“The only thing we’re confirming right now is that there was some investigative activity in the Las Vegas area yesterday connected with a Seattle-area case, both of which are pending,” said Robbie Burroughs, spokeswoman for the Seattle division of the FBI.

Copperfield’s attorney, David Chesnoff, says in a statement: “We understand there is an investigation, (we) are in touch with the investigators, and are respecting the confidentiality of the investigation.”

Since there’s nothing I love like wild and unfounded speculation — What Did David Copperfield Do? My money’s on kiddie porn, but the possibilities are really endless. Was it diamond smuggling? Orchestration of a Malaysain sex slave ring? Opium trade? Illegal white tiger breeding? No wait, that’s those other guys… Okay, how about bestiality, with a — wait for it — reptile? Boy! All this speculation sure puts a twinkle in my eye and makes me feel like a kid on Christmas morning! It’s all quite — well, magical, really.

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