Actor David Duchovny and wife Téa Leoni announced yesterday that they are separating, but NOT because David’s a pervert who just spent a month in sex rehab (although I’m sure that couldn’t have helped). The real reason behind the split? According to the Daily Mail:

It was not his ’sexual compulsion proclivity’ that caused the break-down of their marriage, but rather his discovery of explicit text messages on her mobile phone sent by actor Billy Bob Thornton. Five-times married Billy Bob met Téa when they made a comedy film together earlier this year called Manure.

The couple are separating after 11 years and two children.

Going from Fox Mudler to that deviant who used to pork Angelina Jolie during the heroin and cutting phase is like swapping out Marv Alberts for the goddamn Marquis de Sade. I hope Téa invested in a good genital cuff and several different kinds of broad-spectrum antiviral agents, because you can bet your sweet bippy she’s gonna need ‘em.

Sorry for the late start, boys and girls. I woke up this morning believing I had been pistol whipped and sodomized, but it turns out that I had just been drinking tequila the night before. The sodomy part apparently came much later.

And speaking of sodomy, actor David Duchovny is out of sex rehab and happy as ever, as evidenced by the above photograph of him and wife Tea Leoni at the Czech Festival in New York yesterday. According to Czech site Idnes.cz

Presentation of young boys who mouth imitate various sounds, even taking account of the famous representative agent Fox Mulder of the series The X-Files David Duchovny with his wife, actress Téa Leoni. Together ochutnali Czech flapjacks.

That came straight from Google translator, so whatever the hell “presenting young boys” and “ochutnailing Czech flapjacks” means, you can bet your sweet bippy it’s perverse. It sound like some kind of crazed orgiastic cunnilingus festival orchestrated by Caligula himself. I think the question we’re all asking ourselves here is, “Where exactly do I sign up?”

Page Six is claiming that David Duchovny’s mysterious sex addiction is to internet porn, but Rush and Molloy have a different story. The real reason David Duchovny has checked himself into pervert prison? He “wantonly” cheated on wife Tea Leoni with floozies on the set of “Californication”

Earlier this week [on FoxNews.com], a friend of Duchovny’s scoffed at claims that [he] was unfaithful to [his wife], suggesting that [Duchovny] was hooked on porn.

But The National Enquirer reports that Leoni “finally caught him [cheating]. Tea gave him an ultimatum: ‘Get treatment or our marriage is over. At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed.”

US Weekly concurs that Duchovny “has a history of indiscretions,” [claiming] he put the moves on an extra on Californication. “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I don’t know what to believe. Wasn’t there an episode of the X-Files where this ESP guy who could see how people would die in the future told Mulder that “auto-erotic asphyxiation wasn’t the way to go?” That would suggest he was probably more of a chronic masturbator. But there was also an episode of Californication that was about him having sex with lots of different women as many times as possible. Pretty much the whole series, yeah. So, following that school of thought, he’d be a whoremonger.

But what to make of those episodes of The Red Shoe diaries where he was always pictured walking alone down a set of train tracks? I’d say all signs point to “hobo-killer,” possibly “runaway circus clown with schizophrenia.” That definitely makes the most sense here. Three cheers for deductive reasoning!

In some seriously disturbing WTF? news, X-Files actor David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation center for sex addiction. Another case of life imitating art? According to People Magazine

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” the actor says in a statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Duchovny, 48, has been married to actress Téa Leoni since 1997. They have two children, daughter Madelaine West, 9, and son Kyd, 6.

Wow. And I thought your mom telling the media that she boned your dad died to death and handed him over to the EMTs buck naked so they could see his boner mortis was embarrassing. Once again, never underestimate the debauchery of Hollywood! There’s always another actor waiting to out-Caligula-fy you just around the bathroom stall corner.