In news that you’re guaranteed not to give a shit about, unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin has joined the cast of season 11′s “Dancing with the D-listers Has-Beens Nobodies Stars.” Star Magazine says:

Bristol Palin — daughter of Sarah Palin and baby mama of Levi Johnston — will be hitting the dance floor on the upcoming 11th season of Dancing With the Stars.

She will join The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey and The Brady Bunch’s Florence Henderson.

The full list of DWTS constants will be announced during The Bachelor Pad on Monday night. The series will premiere Sept. 20 on ABC.

I’m sure this little stint on DWTS will open a whole world of opportunity for her. Like doing the commentary for Tru TV’s “World’s Dumbest Criminals” or telling me how the folks at Dobbs Nissan-Suzuki don’t care if you have bad credit or no credit — repossession or bankruptcy, you’re still approved!

Demonstrating that satin is NOT her friend at some charity event last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

So, A&E (the network that brought you “Intervention” and “Hoarders”, collectively known as Misery Mondays) is apparently giving David Hasselhoff his own show.  The David Hasselhoff of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch”, but more importantly, the David Hasselhoff of The Cheeseburger Incident.  This can’t possibly end well.  From OK!:

The yet-unnamed series, set to debut later this year, “will take a behind-the-scenes look into the life of ‘The Hoff’ focusing on his multiple entertainment and business endeavors, as well as his most important role as a single dad trying to help his teenage daughters break into the recording industry.”

“It’s the dream of every parent to be able to help their children succeed,” said Hasselhoff in a statement to the press. “I told the girls that I would help them open the door when they are ready, but they would have to walk through it on their own. This is their time and I am excited to be a part of it by partnering with A&E and FremantleMedia on this new series.”

“David Hasselhoff is an international icon known for his many roles and talents,” said A&E’s Robert Sharenow. “Now for the first time he’s allowing our cameras to see another side of him — as a single father raising two teenage girls — and the day-to-day drama that accompanies the rest of his larger-than-life life.”

I don’t know about this.  First off, they’re gonna have to use those underwater cameras that divers use, like to film sharks ‘n shit.  Regular everyday cameras just aren’t designed to handle the moisture level of projectile vomit.  Also, I’m thinking the lack of talking cars and/or slow-mo running scenes is a serious shortcoming.  We’ve already seen The Hoff try (and fail) to eat a cheeseburger and remain upright at the same time, so this show pony had best have some new tricks because I don’t have the patience to watch an old hairy dude sit around and drool on himself until somebody has him hospitalised for alcohol poisoning.  If I wanted to see that, I could just go visit my grandpa, who would at least give me money and let me colour on him with a Sharpie.

Maybe if they find The Hoff a job at a temp agency and we get to see him try to negotiate a new copy machine every week with a blood alcohol level of .814, then I might be interested.  Otherwise, Drunky McBarfs-a-lot and his parenting “skills” are of no interest to me.

The Cheeseburger Incident:

David Hasselhoff — who has been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning more than five times in the past three years, by the way — was rushed to a hospital by ambulance Friday after suffering another alcohol-induced seizure. Only now the bastards aren’t letting him leave. Radar Online says

David Hasselhoff is under an involuntary psychiatric hold in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

He was picked up under the California Welfare and Institutions Code 5150 that allows authorities to take into custody persons they believe may be a danger to themselves or others, are gravely disabled or suffer from a mental disorder. Cedars-Sinai doctors agreed he needed to be admitted, and under Code 5151, hold him for up to 72 hours for a psychiatric evaluation.

Things [were] so severe that for a while [Hasselhoff] was disoriented and didn’t recognize people he knew.

Just like the turkey and the apple pie, drinking yourself retarded is a standard holiday tradition around my house. You can’t attack a man for embracing one of the most sacred and long-standing institutions of Thanksgiving. It’d be like punching baby Jesus for crapping in the manger. Some of us like our holiday heritages, thank you very much.

There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician – accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.