After bailing on him on late last month, Presidential hopeful John McCain finally made an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night. And gosh golly gee, was it as riveting as you’d imagined it’d be. That David Letterman really brought the heat, which of course was great for John McCains’s hips and lower back. Ha ha! Get it? You know, because he’s old, and… ugh. Look, I tried. Let’s be honest here. The only thing you’ll find on the internet more boring than this interview will under the heading “accounts payable/accounts receivable” and “Key Management Ratios: From Cash Flow to ROI and ROTA.” Knock yourselves out.

Demi Moore was on The Late Show with David Letterman last night promoting her new movie “Flawless,” but the bulk of the interview was spent talking about how she’s started detoxifying herself with leeches. That’s right — bloodletting. Just like in ancient times! She says

These aren’t just swamp leeches. We are talking about highly trained medical leeches… high level blood suckers. They have a little enzyme that… gets released in your blood and generally you bleed for quite a bit and your health is optimized. It detoxifies your blood. I did it in some woman’s house laying on her bed. We did a little sampler first, which is in the belly button. It crawls in and you feel it bite down on you and you want to go, ‘You bastard.’ Then you relax and work on your Lamaze breathing just to kind of relax. You watch it swell up on your blood, get fatter and fatter, then when it’s super-drunk on your blood, it just kind of rolls over like it is stumbling out of the bar.”

And her secret cure for unsightly breakouts and blemishes? A thorough application of egg whites, one barelycorn of treacle and shaving the sign of the cross on your scalp during the vernal equinox. For more beauty tips like these, check out Dioscorides’ “De Materia Medica.” At a medieval library near you!

Arriving at The Late Show:

American Idol judge Paula Abdul rambled incoherently and swayed in her seat in typical drunk-chick fashion during her interview with David Letterman Monday night (urinetastic highlights above). Showbiz Spy recaps

Letterman got a dirty look and a firm “No” from a finger-wagging Paula when he asked her: “Are you drunk?” Paula was holding hands with an uneasy-looking Letterman when the show returned from a commercial break.

Paula did the right thing in this situation. Believe me, if there’s one thing personal experience has taught me, it’s never answer the question “Are you drunk?” honestly. Same goes for “Are you high?” “Are you naked?” and “Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf?” It’s best to just say “I find most people are afraid of living life without illusion. Pretense is the teat from which the masses suckle!” Then march away indignantly and hope they don’t notice your bare ass or all the vomit. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I can count.

Paula arriving at The Late Show with Monkees-themed mullet: