File this one under VOMIT: David Letterman is reportedly worried that a sex tape he made with a female staffer is going to wind up on the web. Hope salt-and-pepper pubes are your thing! According to Showbiz Spy

The chat show host and a much-younger female co-worker have apparently been captured on a studio surveillance tape in a compromising position.

“If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it’ll explode his marriage to smithereens,” a source [said].

“It’s one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It’s another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.

Dave apparently didn’t know the location of the security cameras at his Late Show studio.”

Why in God’s name would you ever want to watch footage of a 62-year old man rutting all over some woman? That’s like the when the doctor asks, “would you like to see the placenta?” Hell no. I can’t think of a single reason you might watch a David Letterman sex tape. Okay… maybe one or two reasons. Here, I made you a list:

THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU MIGHT WATCH A DAVID LETTERMAN SEX TAPE

10. Robert Redford offered you a million dollars to

9. Turns out it cures six types of cancer

8. Someone’s holding a gun to your head

7. Your friend tells you it’s a copy of “The Bridges of Madison County”

6. You’re legally blind

5. You were double-dared, triple-stamped, anti-quitsies no startsies in front of the eighth-graders

4. You’re pledging

3. You have the Viagra “prolonged, persistent erection lasting more than four hours” and nothing has been able to kill it yet

2. You need to induce vomiting and you don’t have any syrup of ipecac

and the number one reason you might watch a David Letterman sex tape:

1. It’s still better than reading this blog

Sienna Miller arriving on to the Late Show last week:

After skewering himself in the monologue (video below), David Letterman publicly apologized to both his wife and his staff (video above) for his involvement in a Late Show sex scandal. He said (via Radar Online):

“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.

Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point, there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

That’s nice and all, but I would still like to point out that Letterman has yet to apologize to you and me for constantly subjecting us to the mental image of his soggy sixty-year-old-man balls in action. I know my mind’s eye can’t even begin the healing process without first getting a proper apology.

Opening monologue:

Meet “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt — the woman unknowingly at the center of the extortion case against David Letterman and the former girlfriend of “48 Hours” Robert “Joe” Halderman, the man accused of doing the actual blackmailing. Confused? Good. Radar Online says

Stephanie Birkitt met Halderman at CBS about 15 years ago. At the time, Halderman was in one of his two past marriages, and Halderman did not have a relationship with Birkitt.

Birkitt later got a job on Letterman’s show and has worked there for more than a decade, often appearing on air.

Our source [say] that Birkitt and Letterman slept together for a period of time before he married his girlfriend Regina had their son Harry. After Halderman divorced, the source says he got involved with Stephanie and she lived with him in Connecticut.

The source says Birkitt told Halderman that she had had sex with Letterman.

So it seems that while they were living together (and without her consent), Halderman went through Birkitt’s personal effects for proof of hers and Letterman’s affair to use to blackmail the talk show host, including

Copies of parts of a diary and correspondence belonging to Birkitt, [along with] documents, letters, emails and photos.

Jesus, I didn’t know anyone other than 8th grade girls kept actual diaries. What a stupid idea. I guess you never know when all your puffy hearts and triple-underlined “Mrs. Stephanie Lettermans” will come back to bite you in the ass.

Olivia Wilde arriving to The Late Show:

David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”

Kim Kardashian on the show last night:

Everybody assumes I’m a Republican — mostly because I’m a blathering idiot and I own a shotgun — but for the record, I’m a Libertarian. A constitution-enthusiast, if you will. So that whole “you can’t provide for yourselves without handouts from the government” shit doesn’t really fly with me, but God knows Hollywood loves it. They love it so much that President Barack Obama went on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night to pander to the masses and stoke the flames of the Amercian sense of entitlement. But there’s really no sense in actually watching the clip yourself. Give it another year or two and the government will be watching it for you and then taxing you for using the bandwidth. Hooray for “change!”

Meet the new boss same as the old boss after the jump

(more…)

Paris Hilton was just on Letterman last week talking about the blissful happiness of her relationship with Doug Reinhardt (video below), so I’m sure you guys will be shocked — just SHOCKED, I tell you — to hear that the fairy tale has ended.  From Us:

“In response to inquiries on whether Paris Hilton has split with Doug Reinhardt, we can confirm this is true. They are no longer together,” her rep tells Us of the couple, who have been dating since February. “They remain friends and we ask that you please respect their privacy. Paris will not discuss the relationship further.”

As recently as April, Hilton declared that she’d wed Reinhardt.

“He’s going to be my husband,” she told E!. “We’re best friends. It’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other over the past year. I was in a relationship before and we reconnected. I’m really in love and really happy.”

HAHAHAHA!  Ahem… sorry.  In related news, it seems that in the midst of releasing statements to everyone on earth, Paris and/or her rep forgot to inform just one person — and that person was Doug Reinhardt.  From E! Online:

Too bad Doug didn’t get the memo.

After hearing the breakup news from Team Paris, we contacted Doug earlier this afternoon, and he insisted, “No, that’s not true. Everything is OK between us.”

Oops.

Heeeee!  Oh man, Paris Hilton is SUCH an assclown.  You’d think that at some point she’d learn to stop cramming those size 17 feet in her mouth, but she’s just so eternally remedial.  It’s fascinating to me how she can even remember not to walk on all fours or eat her own feces.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt, just days before their split:

Paris on The Late Show with David Letterman on 5 June 2009 yammering incessantly about her “love” and how perfectly happy they are together:

David Letterman announced during the Monday taping of his CBS Late Show that he had married longtime girlfriend and mother of his child, Regina Lasko. Us Weekly says

“On Thursday, at 3 p.m., March 19, 2009, at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko,” Letterman said about 20 minutes into the show, before he read the “Top 10″ list.

Letterman and Lasko — who began dating in 1986 when Lasko worked for him on his show — welcomed Harry in November 2003.

If you’re wondering why it took him 23 years to propose, I’m guessing it’s because it took fifteen just to convince him she wasn’t really a lesbian, and then maybe another seven before he finally gave up looking for her secret ax and blue ox. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Jennifer Aniston gave David Letterman the infamous tie from her GQ shoot last night while on The Late Show promoting her new movie “Marley & Me.” I have to say, Dave was a lot more professional about it than I would have been. He just puts it around his neck and ties it. I would have first sniffed it like a dog over a molehill and then grabbed either end and rubbed it back and forth over my crotch like I was flossing my genitals while muttering, “Oh, yeah, baby — that’s the stuff” through clenched teeth. Perhaps this is why I still don’t have my own talk show.

Oh, yeah, baby — that’s the stuff:

Leaving Letterman:

After bailing on him on late last month, Presidential hopeful John McCain finally made an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night. And gosh golly gee, was it as riveting as you’d imagined it’d be. That David Letterman really brought the heat, which of course was great for John McCains’s hips and lower back. Ha ha! Get it? You know, because he’s old, and… ugh. Look, I tried. Let’s be honest here. The only thing you’ll find on the internet more boring than this interview will under the heading “accounts payable/accounts receivable” and “Key Management Ratios: From Cash Flow to ROI and ROTA.” Knock yourselves out.

Demi Moore was on The Late Show with David Letterman last night promoting her new movie “Flawless,” but the bulk of the interview was spent talking about how she’s started detoxifying herself with leeches. That’s right — bloodletting. Just like in ancient times! She says

These aren’t just swamp leeches. We are talking about highly trained medical leeches… high level blood suckers. They have a little enzyme that… gets released in your blood and generally you bleed for quite a bit and your health is optimized. It detoxifies your blood. I did it in some woman’s house laying on her bed. We did a little sampler first, which is in the belly button. It crawls in and you feel it bite down on you and you want to go, ‘You bastard.’ Then you relax and work on your Lamaze breathing just to kind of relax. You watch it swell up on your blood, get fatter and fatter, then when it’s super-drunk on your blood, it just kind of rolls over like it is stumbling out of the bar.”

And her secret cure for unsightly breakouts and blemishes? A thorough application of egg whites, one barelycorn of treacle and shaving the sign of the cross on your scalp during the vernal equinox. For more beauty tips like these, check out Dioscorides’ “De Materia Medica.” At a medieval library near you!

Arriving at The Late Show:

American Idol judge Paula Abdul rambled incoherently and swayed in her seat in typical drunk-chick fashion during her interview with David Letterman Monday night (urinetastic highlights above). Showbiz Spy recaps

Letterman got a dirty look and a firm “No” from a finger-wagging Paula when he asked her: “Are you drunk?” Paula was holding hands with an uneasy-looking Letterman when the show returned from a commercial break.

Paula did the right thing in this situation. Believe me, if there’s one thing personal experience has taught me, it’s never answer the question “Are you drunk?” honestly. Same goes for “Are you high?” “Are you naked?” and “Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf?” It’s best to just say “I find most people are afraid of living life without illusion. Pretense is the teat from which the masses suckle!” Then march away indignantly and hope they don’t notice your bare ass or all the vomit. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I can count.

Paula arriving at The Late Show with Monkees-themed mullet: