In newly released testimony from her 2009 legal petition for a restraining order against mother Courtney Love, Frances Bean Cobain accused mommy dearest of killing the family dog and cat and dragging her along on drunken domestic altercations with various ex-boyfriends. I bet that makes Mother’s Day kinda awkward — don’t know that Hallmark makes a card for “The Mother Who Must Remian 500 Feet Away All Times.” The Daily Mail says:

Backed by evidence from her male nanny and others the judge granted [Frances'] request, as well as ordering the Hole singer stay away from her daughter’s pet dog Uncle Fester.

Frances said her mother’s chaotic behavior was the reason for the death of two family pets — her cat died after getting entangled in piles of boxes of paperwork, trash and other possessions, while a dog died allegedly after swallowing a pile of Love’s pills.

[Frances also claimed that] her mother dragged her to James Barber’s house when she was 17, and that she sat in a taxi while her mother had a volcanic confrontation with her then boyfriend, [saying], “She’s outside the house, in her bare feet, [screaming] at him… she threw rocks at the house, and threatened to burn his house down… his children were inside the house, but that did not stop my mother.”

And then for good measure, Frances adds:

“[My mother] has taken drugs for as long as I can remember. She basically exists now on Xanax, Adderall, Sonata and Abilify, sugar and cigarettes.

She rarely eats… She often falls asleep in her bed while she is smoking, and I am constantly worried that she will start a fire (which she has done at least three times) that will threaten our lives.”

And then there’s this little gem, from Courtney herself:

[Love] said: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others.

I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”

Now it’s time for some Kate Upton in a bikini again, because I know the human brain can only take so much Courtney Love before it spontaneously shuts down. Reports indicate that “24 Hours of Courtney Love” was responsible for 95% of all temporary amnesia cases in the year 2002 alone. I’m pretty sure the other five percent have something to do with soap opera villains.

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter’s 25-year-old sister Leslie died last night in what is believed to have been an accidental overdose of prescription medication. TMZ says:

The 25-year-old sister of Nick Carter had recently moved from Canada to Upstate New York to live with family members while she attempted to kick her addiction.

Family members had attempted to rid the home of any prescription medication — including Xanax — and were hopeful Leslie was on the road to recovery.

Sources say family members believed Leslie would be OK to stay alone in the home for roughly an hour yesterday while they ran errands … but when they returned, Leslie was unconscious.

Officials were called to the scene … but Leslie could not be saved.

We’re told Leslie’s 1-year-old daughter was not at home with Carter at the time of her death.

The cracked-out apple sure doesn’t fall far from the fucked-up tree, does it? This is why alcoholic stage mothers should just be spayed. Otherwise you wind up with kids that are more like feral cats than people.

Guess/Victoria’s Secret model Kate Upton for Deep Blue swimwear, because she doesn’t haven a meth-carved exoskeleton:

A coroner’s report released in London today lists Amy Winehouse’s official cause of death as “an unintended consequence of drinking too much alcohol.” The NY Daily News says:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of “death by misadventure,” saying the singer had voluntarily consumed alcohol and risked the consequences.

A pathologist told the singer’s inquest Wednesday that Winehouse had consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” and was more than five times over the legal drunk-driving limit when she died.

Five times the legal limit. Jesus. I bet her liver was the size of a fucking Christmas ham. She practically embalmed herself.

After battling pancreatic cancer for the last seven years, Apple founder Steve Jobs died today. He was 56 years old. Apple said on their official website:

“Apple has lost a visionary and creative genius, and the world has lost an amazing human being.

Those of us who have been fortunate enough to know and work with Steve have lost a dear friend and an inspiring mentor. Steve leaves behind a company that only he could have built, and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple.”

His family said in a statement:

“Steve died peacefully today surrounded by his family. In his public life, Steve was known as a visionary; in his private life, he cherished his family. We are thankful to the many people who have shared their wishes and prayers during the last year of Steve’s illness.”

Steve Jobs had more money than God, but I guaran-damn-tee he’d have given it all up for just one more day. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m gonna go sit in my room in the dark and put “Everybody Hurts” on repeat for a while.

The estranged husband of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Taylor Armstrong was found dead of an apparent suicide last night. So far, it doesn’t look like a case of erotic asphyxiation gone wrong, but you never know with some of these perverts. TMZ says:

Sources say Russell Armstrong hanged himself. He was found hanging in his bedroom on Mulholland Drive.

L.A. City Fire Department arrived at his home and pronounced him dead at 8:16 PM Monday.

Authorities have not found a suicide note. He was 47 years old.

Russell Armstrong just got divorced for the second time, was bankrupt, had a previous felony conviction for tax evasion and routinely beat every woman he bedded. I think the real question here is why he hadn’t committed suicide sooner.

It’s being suggested in several UK papers today that Amy Winehouse’s untimely death this weekend was not due to overdose or alcohol poisoning, but because she stopped drinking. No, really. The Daily Mail says:

It is thought that Amy had been told to cut down on her drinking gradually, but her cold turkey approach to quitting the booze gave her frail body a shock it couldn’t handle.

A source close to the family told the paper: ‘Abstinence gave her body such a fright they thought it was eventually the cause of her death.’

Amy’s father Mitch said that Amy had beaten her battle with drink and drugs and she hadn’t drunk for three weeks and hadn’t touched drugs for years.

Mitch told mourners: ‘Three years ago, Amy conquered her drug dependency, the doctors said it was impossible but she really did it. She was trying hard to deal with her drinking and had just completed three weeks of abstinence.’

However it has been claimed that the singer was drinking gin and red bull drinks at the Roundhouse in Camden three days before her death.

The only way her death would be a tragedy instead of a stupid accident is if she actually died from not drinking. That’s the absolute LAST thing anybody would suspect. Look, I appreciate irony as much as the next girl, but I don’t think God has that sick a sense of humor.

Some celebrities who have died from excessive drug and alcohol abuse could have been saved if only they took drug and alcohol addiction counseling seriously.

Amy and her breast implants on vacation earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

“Two and a Half Men’s” Charlie Sheen-less season premiere will kick off in September with Alan and Jake acknowledging his character Charlie Harper’s untimely death. TMZ says:

Producers have been kicking around scenarios, which include Charlie driving a car over a cliff.

As for how Ashton Kutcher enters the picture, there’s been talk that he buys Charlie’s house after Charlie kicks the bucket.

Sources connected [say] Chuck Lorre’s plan is to make sure Charlie Sheen can NEVER come back on the show.

I’m not sure how Chuck Lorre thinks killing off Charlie Harper will make it so Sheen can never return to the show, unless he’s never heard of dream sequences, functional magic, advanced alien races with life-restoring powers, alternate dimensions, applied phlebotinum, deus ex machinas or Jesus. See “Dallas,” “Star Trek: Voyager,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Doctor Who,” “Heroes,” “Stargate SG-1,” “Smallville,” “24,” “The X-Files,” every soap opera ever known to man and the Bible for details.

Sad news today for fans of Columbo star Peter Falk–he passed away last night at his home in Beverly Hills. Says Us Weekly,

The Emmy-winning actor was 83. Although family members declined to discuss the cause of death, Falk had been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and dementia for many years, his adopted daughter Catherine Falk said.

Back in 2009, a judge settled a dispute between Catherine and Falk’s wife, Shera, over conservatorship of the ailing actor.

Falk’s biggest claim to fame was his role as a wry, tough-talking TV detective in Colombo, for which he won four Emmys; he was also nominated for numerous Oscars for his film work.

Falk is survived by Shera (his wife of over 30 years) and daughters Catherine and Jackie, whom he adopted with first wife Alyce Mayo.

I wasn’t around when Columbo was being produced, but I always remember him from his role of Fred Savage’s grandfather in one of the greatest comedy movies ever, The Princess Bride. Rest in peace, Mr. Falk.

Jackass star Ryan Dunn was reportedly three sheets to the wind and going 100 miles an hour when he slammed his Porsche into a tree early Monday morning, killing himself and his passenger instantly. People Magazine says:

A few hours before his accident, Dunn had three Miller Lites and three “girly shots” at a bar close to where he died in Pennsylvania.

One bar patron tells the site that Dunn was “wasted.”

Additionally, while the TV personality and his pals were drinking, the activities were posted in a photo that has since been taken down from Dunn’s Twitter page.

After news of Dunn’s death became public, legendary film critic Roger Ebert tweeted, “‘Jackass’ star Ryan Dunn, RIP. His Porsche flew through 40 yards of trees. Friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive.” Naturally, blogger Perez Hilton — who is well-known for his tact and sense of decorum — couldn’t let that one go without making it about himself. Radar Online says:

In response [to Ebert's tweet], blogger Perez Hilton wrote, “Everyone makes mistake, and this is somebody’s son. Too soon, Roger.”

And Dunn’s Jackass co-star Bam Margera [also tweeted]: “I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents about a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!”

“Shut your fat fucking mouth?” How exactly is he gonna do that, considering he had half of his jaw removed after being diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer and has to use a feeding tube to eat? The difference here is that Roger Ebert didn’t lose half his face because he chose to pound purple hooter shooters and then drive it into a tree. He got cancer. There’s your “too soon,” jackass.

UPDATE: Turns out he was going 130 miles an hour when he crashed. Hard to believe that someone who starred in “Jackass” would ever do something so stupid and reckless.

This is all that was left of his Porsche 911 GT3:

Sad news this morning — Airplane and Naked Gun star Leslie Nielsen passed away yesterday in Florida at the age of 84. Us Magazine says:

He passed away Sunday at a hospital near his home in Ft. Lauderdale, where he was being treated for pneumonia.

“We are sadden by the passing of beloved actor Leslie Nielsen, probably best remembered as Lt. Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun series of pictures, but who enjoyed a more than 60-year career in motion pictures and television,” read a statement.

He might be gone, but I know I never pull out a rubber without thinking of Lt. Frank Drebin’s full-body condom scene from the original Naked Gun. In fact, why don’t we revisit it for old times’ sake? May your love of keeping chlamydia at bay during drunken one-night stands keep his spirit alive forever!

Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer-turned-boyfriend Howard K. Stern was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy yesterday for his role in illegally obtaining the prescription meds that ultimately killed her. People Magazine says:

Stern was convicted of a count of conspiring to prescribe prescription drugs using fraudulent means and a count of conspiring to furnish prescription drugs to an addict.

He was acquitted of seven other charges, including another conspiracy charge and charges of unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance and obtaining a prescription for an opiate using false information.

[Smith's psychiatrist Khristine] Eroshevich was convicted of four charges, including the same two conspiracy charges that Stern was convicted of, as well as two counts of obtaining a prescription for opiates using a false name.

Each of them face three or more years in prison at their Jan. 6 sentencing, says a spokeswoman for the DA’s office.

I bet you were just as shocked as I was when you read this. Anna Nicole Smith had a psychiatrist all those years? Yet she never spent any time in a straight jacket or locked in a room with padded walls or shaved down and covered with electrodes. My therapist must be doing it all kinds of wrong, then.

A 2006 legal document has been revealed in which Gary Coleman states he did NOT want to be taken off life support in the event he were ever in a coma. Coleman, you’ll remember, died when ex-wife Shannon Price took him off life support after he fell into a coma. Um… whoopsie. Radar Online says

The Utah Valley Regional Medical Centre [is] investigating the emergence of a new document [in which] Coleman specifically directed that he did not want anyone to pull the plug on his life support if he was ever in that situation.

In a 2006 document, Coleman checked a box titled “Choice to Prolong Life” which states, “I want my life to be prolonged as long as possible within the limits of generally accepted health care standards.”

The other option Coleman had — “Choice Not to Prolong Life” — was left unchecked.

Also checked on the document were the boxes “I Want to Be Taken Seriously” and “No One is to Refer to Me as ‘Webster’ or Use the Phrase ‘Whachu Talkin Bout Willis’ in My Presence.’” God only knows how many of this poor man’s wishes have been so wrongfully disregarded by the staff of the Utah Valley Regional Medical Centre and the public at large.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, that’s Jenny McCarthy in a bikini instead of Gary Coleman, because Gary Coleman looked like this when he died.