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Say what you want about Gisele Bundchen’s nose — there’s no denying that she’s got one of the most spectacular bodies on Earth. God really broke the mold when he made her. It’s a good thing, too, or some pervert weirdo would totally be masturbating with it right now. And by “pervert weirdo” I of course mean “me.”

PHOTO CREDIT: Vogue

GQ attempts to keep up its facade as a heterosexual man’s magazine by naming Scarlett Johansson “Babe of the Year” in their December issue. But then of course they fag it up by saying:

“At 26, she remains fresh-faced, curious, trying on new moods and outlets of expression as easily as she changes her hair color. This is what we love about Scarlett: that she’s game, that she’s good, that she can try on all these guises without seeming to try too hard. And all the while still seem genuinely like the observant, inquisitive (and very cute) girl in transition we fell for in Lost in Translation.”

They blew it all with that last statement. I’m sorry — what heterosexual male went and saw “Lost in Translation?” Since when does exploring cultural dislocation and emotional estrangement equal boners? The only falling a straight man would do in that movie is asleep. Next time just say something about her boobs and then shut the hell up already.

Angelina Jolie really opens up about her children and her relationship with live-in baby daddy Brad Pitt in the December issue of Vogue Magazine — including her biological daughter’s penchant for collecting dead animals. Us Magazine says:

[Jolie says] four-year-old Shiloh recently discovered a dead bird.

“She came in and said, ‘Can I have a dead pet?’” Jolie recalls. “And I’m… ‘Uh-uh, I don’t think it’s healthy, honey. I think they have to put him in a box,’ and I had to run out to find, like, a taxidermy bird. I just worked it out for her.”

Jolie said Shiloh is “hilarious.”

I agree. Wanting to keep dead animals as pets is 100% hilarious. Not weird or creepy at all. In a less disturbing revelation, Angelina says:

“Pax is a better cook than me. But I try to [cook] when I can. But the kids are very sweet… so enthusiastic anytime I cook. I cooked them all breakfast before school this morning, and [Maddox] has that kind of ‘Thanks, Mom! Good job!’”

But Angelina claims she never intended on amassing a child army. She adds:

“I only planned for two! It’s one of those things. You have to know what you’re capable of handling and how your children will relate to each other. Maybe if you have one child and that child has a lot of needs, you realize you cannot give more attention to another. Sometimes you just know as a parent. We felt we could handle more children, and we have a very happy, very full home.”

“We take turns working. One of us is always at home with the kids — always. Taking them out to things and being there with them and bringing them to school or to the set to visit Mommy or Daddy.”

And finally, of her relationship with Brad, she says:

“Brad is extremely handsome and sexy. When I think about him, I just think of the man who’s such a great friend and such an extraordinary father. And that’s when I fall, you know, when I have my moments of getting — whoarr! — caught up in how much I love him… it’s usually when I see him with the children.”

So, anyway, back to the dead bird story. I had these two guinea pigs when I was a kid named Frick and Frack. And one morning I woke up and Frick had eaten Frack during the night. True fuckin’ story. All that was left were some bones and a couple of tufts of fur. Pretty disturbing for a little kid, right? So anyway, I tied a shoestring around Frick’s neck and hung him from the ceiling fan to punish him for his sins. That’s about the same time my parents hid all the knives in the house and started sleeping with their bedroom door locked.

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