The December issue of Maxim is finally on the newsstands, so here are the first round of shitty low-res scans of Ashley Greene’s inside pictorial. Ooh, speaking of Ashley Greene, that reminds me — what’s the difference between a girl who stars in Twilight and a girl buying tickets to see Twilight? About forty pounds and a couple of boxes of Manic Panic. Zing!

“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.

Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

A woman that is supposed to be Kate Winslet graces the cover of the Vanity Fair hitting newsstands this Friday, but those of us who are not legally blind will instantly realize that the woman on the cover looks nothing like the real Kate Winslet. Is the woman an imposter? An evil twin? Or just the result of hundreds of man hours of digital retouching? I’m going with “alien.” Professional airbrush artist Chris Bickmore told the Daily Mail

“There is no real detail in her face. Any detail or wrinkles have been removed. There are no eye bags, contours and smile lines. The whites of her eyes have been cleaned up and… her lips have been made slightly fuller as well. She has no lines or blemishes at all. There are no wrinkles or lines or veins on her hands and feet.

Her back and lower body have been pinched in to make her look thinner and to give her some curves. Her bottom has been rounded off so it looks nice and pert. Her thigh appears to have been made slimmer so it appears more toned. And in the shot of her sitting down on the front cover, her legs were made slightly thinner so they also appear more toned.”

You could put a fire hydrant in a wig and a dress and it’d look more like Kate Winslet than that chick does. The fire hydrant could probably do a more convincing Louisiana accent and keep its tits covered, too. High five!