Demi Moore has deemed gossip blogger Perez Hilton a “pedophile” after he put up pictures of her 15-year-old daughter Tallulah in a pair of short shorts and a titty-bearing top on his Twitter. Nine MSN says

Demi has labelled Perez a “pedophile” after he pointed out how skanky the clothes made Tallulah look.

“Anyone who advertises follows or supports Perez supports violating child pornography laws!” a furious Demi Tweeted after seeing the links. “Let me ask all of you, what is it called when someone is telling people to look and focus on a child’s ‘boobs & [ass]‘ while providing photos?”

Perez of course responded exactly like you’d expect an overweight insecure homosexual with something to prove to, Tweeting back,

“Expect another letter from my attorney, kitten. Xoxo. P.S. Bring it on, [bitch]! And thanks for drawing MORE attention to your daughter’s behavior and your parenting skills (or lack thereof). U r real smart! … I would not let my 15 year old daughter dress like that under ANY context. You are delusional and slightly senile!”

You know, Demi does raise a valid question — what do you call someone who makes a career out of putting up inappropriate pictures of underage celebrities (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here)? I need to know so I can update my business cards. I’m a professional now!

Pedophile pictures in question (courtesy Starz Life):

Meet 43-year old “actress” Michelle Johnson, the mystery woman seen sucking face with 29-year-old football player Tony Romo the day after he dumped Jessica Simpson. Of course, that’s her 25 years ago. I imagine the tits look a little different now. Splash News Online says

Tony and Michelle hooked up after the sports star turned up to a party she threw in L.A’s Sunset Marquis hotel. A source said: “From the moment he got there he was all over her. They were kissing and she sat on his lap.”

Now today we can reveal exactly why Michelle at 14 years his senior may have caught Tony’s attention. In these images taken from her 1984 film Michelle shows her wild side as she repeatedly strips for the camera.

So he went from banging Jessica Simpson to stuffing a middle-aged divorcee who starred in such hits as “Menendez: A Killing in Beverly Hills” and “Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Last Chapter.” And I didn’t think it was possible to sink any lower without actually having sex with a retarded chick. Well-played, Tony Romo. Well-played.

With Demi Moore in 1984’s “Blame it on Rio”:

46-year-old Demi Moore posted pictures of herself in a dentist’s chair with a missing front tooth on Twitter, saying

‘Happy to share and always appreciate the opportunity to find humility!!! Or at least be able to laugh at myself!’

If you think she looks weird without the veneers, try imagining what she’d look like without the breast implants, the botox, the knee lifts, the armpit tucks, the liposuction, the brow lift and all the collagen injections. I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing you’d see if you said “Bloody Mary” into a mirror three times in the dark.

Boy wonder Ashton Kutcher posted a picture of wife Demi Moore’s ass on his Twitter account over the weekend without her knowing it. He wrote:

Watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I’m not wearing the bikini she is that’s what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Shhh don’t tell wifey
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Oh, that’s right, boys. If there’s one thing that ladies love, it’s your posting semi-nude pictures of them on the internet without their knowledge or consent. Next to slipping them a roofie and videotaping yourself violating their unresponsive body, it’s practically the only guaranteed way to melt a girl’s heart.

Demi Moore was on The Late Show with David Letterman last night promoting her new movie “Flawless,” but the bulk of the interview was spent talking about how she’s started detoxifying herself with leeches. That’s right — bloodletting. Just like in ancient times! She says

These aren’t just swamp leeches. We are talking about highly trained medical leeches… high level blood suckers. They have a little enzyme that… gets released in your blood and generally you bleed for quite a bit and your health is optimized. It detoxifies your blood. I did it in some woman’s house laying on her bed. We did a little sampler first, which is in the belly button. It crawls in and you feel it bite down on you and you want to go, ‘You bastard.’ Then you relax and work on your Lamaze breathing just to kind of relax. You watch it swell up on your blood, get fatter and fatter, then when it’s super-drunk on your blood, it just kind of rolls over like it is stumbling out of the bar.”

And her secret cure for unsightly breakouts and blemishes? A thorough application of egg whites, one barelycorn of treacle and shaving the sign of the cross on your scalp during the vernal equinox. For more beauty tips like these, check out Dioscorides’ “De Materia Medica.” At a medieval library near you!

Arriving at The Late Show:

I realize these nude pictures of Demi Moore were taken thirty years ago, but it’s a fact that gratuitous full frontal nudity is never bound by the constraints of linear time. So here you go. Demi did a naked spread at eighteen for a jerk-off mag called “Oui” — which, apparently, is French for “masses of hair” — before the implants and the botox and the knee lifts. Also, it seems, before the invention of the razor. There are only a few words to describe the following pictorial: “Oh, my God,” or “What the fuck,” or “I’m not just the president — I’m also a client.”

I’m sure that you, like me, felt that “The Lords of the Ring” trilogy left too many questions unanswered. Things like: Are we really expected to believe that Olorin the Maia does not recognize the feel of the power of another Maia while in the Mines of Moria? Is Tom Bombadil gay? What does Aragorn’s wiener look like? And, most importantly, does a ring wraith have nipples? Well, yes — they do have nipples. And apparently implants as well. The only thing Demi Moore is missing in these pictures is her Nazgûl fell beast and a wraithblade dagger. I guess parking logistics and those “clean up after your pet” laws can be a real bitch when you’re piloting a winged shadow to the local mall.