Demi Moore was on The Late Show with David Letterman last night promoting her new movie “Flawless,” but the bulk of the interview was spent talking about how she’s started detoxifying herself with leeches. That’s right — bloodletting. Just like in ancient times! She says

These aren’t just swamp leeches. We are talking about highly trained medical leeches… high level blood suckers. They have a little enzyme that… gets released in your blood and generally you bleed for quite a bit and your health is optimized. It detoxifies your blood. I did it in some woman’s house laying on her bed. We did a little sampler first, which is in the belly button. It crawls in and you feel it bite down on you and you want to go, ‘You bastard.’ Then you relax and work on your Lamaze breathing just to kind of relax. You watch it swell up on your blood, get fatter and fatter, then when it’s super-drunk on your blood, it just kind of rolls over like it is stumbling out of the bar.”

And her secret cure for unsightly breakouts and blemishes? A thorough application of egg whites, one barelycorn of treacle and shaving the sign of the cross on your scalp during the vernal equinox. For more beauty tips like these, check out Dioscorides’ “De Materia Medica.” At a medieval library near you!

Arriving at The Late Show:

I realize these nude pictures of Demi Moore were taken thirty years ago, but it’s a fact that gratuitous full frontal nudity is never bound by the constraints of linear time. So here you go. Demi did a naked spread at eighteen for a jerk-off mag called “Oui” — which, apparently, is French for “masses of hair” — before the implants and the botox and the knee lifts. Also, it seems, before the invention of the razor. There are only a few words to describe the following pictorial: “Oh, my God,” or “What the fuck,” or “I’m not just the president — I’m also a client.”

I’m sure that you, like me, felt that “The Lords of the Ring” trilogy left too many questions unanswered. Things like: Are we really expected to believe that Olorin the Maia does not recognize the feel of the power of another Maia while in the Mines of Moria? Is Tom Bombadil gay? What does Aragorn’s wiener look like? And, most importantly, does a ring wraith have nipples? Well, yes — they do have nipples. And apparently implants as well. The only thing Demi Moore is missing in these pictures is her Nazgûl fell beast and a wraithblade dagger. I guess parking logistics and those “clean up after your pet” laws can be a real bitch when you’re piloting a winged shadow to the local mall.