Here’s Denise Richard pulling off her bikini top on the beach in an episode of her reality show “It’s Complicated.” Only it’s not complicated. It’s crap. I guess E! was hoping the tits would keep you from noticing.
NSFW:
Denise Richards absolutely butchered “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” at Cubs game charity event over the weekend. Ho-ly shit. She’s unbelievably bad. You half-expect to see glasses shattering and windows splintering as they pan over the stadium crowd. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the age-old question that has plagued non-veterinarians for centuries: what does a cat being neutered sounds like? Now you’ll never have to wonder again!
Denise’s Funny or Die Funbags commercial after the jump
I think it’s kind of fun when celebrities don’t take themselves so seriously, especially when they’re B-list celebrities like Denise Richards. You either become an anorexic neighing philly like Tori Spelling bemoaning the pressures of Hollywood, or you go the trashy route like Denise. I pick Denise! Her Funny or Die spoof TV advertisement has gotten one Florida businessman bent out of shape, however. At the end of the advert, a order phone number flashes on screen and she quickly adds: “First 50 callers get a picture of my boobs!” The sketch, which has been viewed almost 300,000 times, is causing unwanted calls to Bharat Raja Chatani’s Luggage Gallery Store in Miami, who is getting tired of getting asked about “funbags”. Ha!
By the way, is that Frodo’s little sister at the 1:05 mark?
Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!
In what Denise Richards is sure to think is a direct retaliatory assault on her character, Charlie Sheen announced yesterday that wife Brooke Mueller is pregnant with twins. According to Us Weekly
Charlie Sheen and his wife are expecting twin boys. In June, the pair joked that they were hoping for triplets. “Could you imagine if I really had triplets? He’d be like, ‘Whoa!’” Mueller told Extra.
For the record, this may be the first time the words “Charlie Sheen” and “twins” have been used in the same sentence without the words “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders.”
Denise at Moscow Fashion Week yesterday:
PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Photo
Twins that probably do both “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders,” Karissa and Kristina Shannon:
PHOTO CREDIT: Splash
The new wifey has gotten a hold of Charlie Sheen’s man butter — and you can bet Denise Richards isn’t going to like it. Rush and Molloy say
Her ex Charlie Sheen is expecting a baby with new wife Brooke Mueller. “They are so happy and excited,” a spy [says]. “They are in love, and this news makes things even better.”
Denise is desperate for Charlie’s spunk, so the idea of it being wasted on some skank’s lesser egg is going to send her spiraling out of control. Screaming, crying, milking Charlie’s prostate at gunpoint in the middle of the night — the works. Full mental breakdown. Personally, I can’t imagine getting that worked up over some guy’s ejaculate. Unless said ejaculate ended up in my eye and ruined a perfectly good pair of contacts. Then you can goddamn bet that you’re paying the optometrist’s bill. Hey, it’s not like I go around menstruating in your eyes or anything there, William Tell. Next time work on your aim.
On the set of her new Bollywood movie:
Denise Richards was in court yesterday morning to request an emergency order restricting ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s access to their two daughters, citing a psychologically damaging “issue” in his home. According to TMZ
They told the judge there’s a serious issue in Charlie’s home that could have an adverse impact on the kids. The issue, we’re told, is psychological and Denise wants professionals to evaluate things. In the meantime, she doesn’t want her kids hanging around there.
Three guesses says the psychological detriment in the home happens to rhyme with “binflatable moll.” This is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It’s not hard to imagine a few things you might find lying around the Sheen household that could be emotionally scarring to children. Christ, I can think of ten right off the top of my head. Naturally, I made a list for you:
TOP TEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING ITEMS YOU’D FIND IN CHARLIE SHEEN’S HOME:
10. Intimate SynergyTM spinning sex swing
9. Naked pictures of John Cryer
8. Syringes full of injectable cocaine
7. Authentic Ginger Lynn Pocket Pussy
5. Closet full of dead hookers
4. Professional Sports Handicappers on speed dial
3. Pom-poms that double as anal bead/gag restraints
2. An IV bag full of Crown Royal
and the number one psychologically damaging item you might find in Charlie Sheen’s home:
1. Extended director’s cut edition of “Men at Work”
Denise in Maui back in April:
Voicemail recordings that Charlie Sheen left for ex-wife Denise Richards three years ago mysteriously surfaced on the Internet yesterday. Of course, they’ve been yanked as fast as they mysteriously appeared, but being the serious investigative journalist I am, I managed to obtain the transcript of his message left on Tuesday, April 19, 2005:
Yeah, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.
In response, Charlie apologized in a written statement released Wednesday, saying:
“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings. Three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis because my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation.”
Well, in his defense, “tar baby” and “spook” are so clichéd. It’s like you’re not even trying, really.
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are headed back to court — this time over whether to vaccinate their two children. TMZ says
Charlie is convinced vaccinations are poison. We got hold of a threatening letter Charlie’s lawyer sent to the pediatrician last month, advising him Sheen did not consent to any treatment and promising legal retribution if he doesn’t listen.
Apparently, the doctor for the kids has been siding with Denise.
Well, at the very least, those girls both need an inoculation for the HPV virus. Chances are they’re going to acquire it when they get knocked up as teenagers and begin the descent into exotic-dancers-turned-porn-star-drug-addicts. And also the vaccine for “fucking crazy.” As soon as it’s invented, of course. Science should really get on that.
Denise at the Pediatric AIDS Foundation on Sunday:
For a woman who claims she’s so over Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards sure seems desperate for details about his May 30th wedding to Brooke Mueller. MSNBC says
The former Mrs. Sheen personally phoned the OK! magazine offices for an advance copy of this week’s issue, which features Sheen’s wedding on the cover. “She was feverishly trying to get her hands on a copy. She wanted to prepare herself for what she was going to see on the newsstands,” said the source.
Richards did photo shoots with OK! both during and after her marriage to Sheen.
I thought the trailer for the new movie “The Women” really embodied the sad pathetic-ness of the whole situation. “The Women” is about four friends — Annette Bening, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Meg Ryan and Debra Messing — who band together when Meg’s husband is caught cheating with a perfume girl (Eva Mendes). It’s like they took the projected demographic for “Sex and the City” and then took away the sex, added twenty or so pounds, a bitter divorce, bunions, and an undying love for Oprah and all things jersey knit to equation. Factor in the numbers of screens in the mid-west and symbol π and you’ve got yourself a bonafide formula for “dumpy middle-aged divorce movie magic.” You can’t forget the π, though. It’s one of the most important mathematical constants. And also because lonely overweight divorcees really like pie. They get pretty angry when they don’t have it.
Denise Richards paid a visit to People Magazine to chide a reporter about her lack of “fact checking” on Sunday’s episode of her new reality show “It’s Complicated.” Denise yells, “Do you really think I want my daughters reading this when they’re older?” and “There are children involved here,” before jabbing her finger in the lady’s face and hissing, “Do your fucking homework, you cunt.” Denise is right, you know. Reading about your mom and dad doing something is WAAAY more humiliating than watching a video of them doing it. Just ask Pamela and Tommy Lee’s kids.
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are still taking turns humiliating each other via the media, with Denise telling Page Six this morning:
“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’”
And regarding that unfortunate sperm-request email that Charlie now wants to have analyzed by experts on live TV?
“I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”
You know, there’s the high road, and there’s the low road. And then there’s sewer lines swollen with gallons of human excrement just underneath the low road. See if you can guess exactly where Charlie and Denise are at this point.
Cancerous retard leaving the CW11 morning show yesterday:
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