In Denise Richards’ new autobiography “The Real Girl Next Door” (on sale now!), she reveals that she underwent three breast augmentations in the last ten years in an attempt to recreate perfect nineteen-year-old breasts. It’s the most noble mission of all. The Daily Mail says:

She said: ‘[My first augmentation] when I was 19, a doctor put in bigger implants than what I’d asked for. I was in such a hurry to get them that I didn’t research my doctor.’

You’d have though the bad experience would have taught Richards a lesson, but she then went and got a second dose of surgery that she wasn’t happy with, increasing her bust to a size D, ahead of filming her 1998 movie Wild Things.

Denise says she is finally happy with her breasts, following a third stab at going under the knife.

‘This is the size I wanted them to look at 19. There is a long investment with breast implants.
They are not going to last a lifetime and things can go wrong. I’m happy with them now, but that could change.’

I uploaded some screen caps from “Wild Things” so we could do a side-by-side before and after comparison of her boobs. And frankly, there is no comparison. Her first doctor should’ve gotten a noble prize for medicine, because she was damn near perfect before.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Denise Richards’ dysfunctional family just got a little bit more dysfunctional — she announced yesterday that she had adopted a baby girl. Radar Online says:

The 40-year-old actress has two daughters, Sam and Lola, with ex-husband Charlie Sheen, and now she has adopted a baby girl.

“Eloise Joni Richards is named after Denise’s mom (Joni), and Denise and her daughters Sam and Lola chose the name Eloise,” her rep told People. Her mother passed away in December 2007 from cancer.

It makes sense that she’d want a girl who doesn’t have half of Charlie Sheen’s chromosomes thrown in the mix. That way when Denise is old, she’ll have someone in place to keep Sam and Lola from pawning her jewelry for meth money. As a parent, you always gotta plan ahead.

Botoxed out of her fucking gourd during Fashion Week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

“Are these pictures of Denise Richards recent? Is this before or after she had the breast implants removed? Seriously, did you do any research whatsoever? Or have you just been smoking pot and playing X-Men Legends for the last hour and a half?” are all questions you could be asking me right now. But it’s important to note that you’re not asking these questions; you’re reading them, because I’ve already posed them, thereby rendering said inquiries completely null and void by virtue of the Law of Firsties. Also, boobs. Please direct any additional questions to our legal department.

Contrary to what Charlie Sheen would have you believe, this is what winning actually looks like. It turns out that being able to see the outline of your liver through your skin or the sockets where your teeth used to be isn’t as much of a game-changer as initially suggested.

Denise Richards in the Bahamas with her two kids this weekend:

Cops were called to a New York hotel this morning after a drunk and naked Charlie Sheen trashed his suite. Charlie, by the way, was there with his two daughters and ex-wife Denise Richards (they were on a different floor) to see “Mary Poppins” on Broadway. Good times all around! NY Post says:

Security at The Plaza Hotel on Fifth Avenue called police just after 2 a.m. where they found the hard-partying Sheen.

Tables and chairs had been thrown around the room and a chandelier was also damaged. The damages totaled about $7,000.

“The Two and a Half Men” star was accompanied to New York Hospital by his ex-wife Denise Richards, who was staying in a separate room at the Eloise Suite on the 18th floor.

Sheen was not injured, but checked himself into the hospital for an evaluation, sources said.

So what sparked the deranged chimpanzee-like hotel melee? Well, the hooker he was with tried to steal his wallet, so he locked her in the closet naked and then started Chris Farley-ing the furniture.

Sheen, 45, told police he had been “out partying.”

After he returned to his room with an unidentified woman, he noticed his wallet and cellphone were missing, causing him to fly into a rage.

A police official said the woman in the room with Sheen was an escort.

Life & Style magazine reported on its website that the woman was screaming inside a locked closet.

“She was fearing for her life and was naked,” a source told the website. “Charlie was incoherent but started screaming slurs at the cops. They recognized him immediately and gave him two options: they could take him to the hospital or take him down to the station. Charlie chose the hospital.”

This is just what I figured a family vacation with Charlie Sheen would look like. Only there should be more cheerleader costumes spattered with vomit and urine and somebody should have accidentally gotten shot by a donkey.

Now that she’s embarking on a new career as an author, Denise Richards finally ditched her signature overprocessed blonde for a darker hue. I don’t know if it quite does the trick, though. That hair doesn’t so much say “best-selling author” as it does “Lifetime Original Movie co-starring Yasmine Bleeth and Nicole Eggert.” “I Do (But I Don’t) 2: With a Vengeance,” anyone?

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Here’s Denise Richard pulling off her bikini top on the beach in an episode of her reality show “It’s Complicated.” Only it’s not complicated. It’s crap. I guess E! was hoping the tits would keep you from noticing.

NSFW:

Denise Richards absolutely butchered “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” at Cubs game charity event over the weekend. Ho-ly shit. She’s unbelievably bad. You half-expect to see glasses shattering and windows splintering as they pan over the stadium crowd. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the age-old question that has plagued non-veterinarians for centuries: what does a cat being neutered sounds like? Now you’ll never have to wonder again!

Denise’s Funny or Die Funbags commercial after the jump

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I think it’s kind of fun when celebrities don’t take themselves so seriously, especially when they’re B-list celebrities like Denise Richards. You either become an anorexic neighing philly like Tori Spelling bemoaning the pressures of Hollywood, or you go the trashy route like Denise. I pick Denise! Her Funny or Die spoof TV advertisement has gotten one Florida businessman bent out of shape, however. At the end of the advert, a order phone number flashes on screen and she quickly adds: “First 50 callers get a picture of my boobs!” The sketch, which has been viewed almost 300,000 times, is causing unwanted calls to Bharat Raja Chatani’s Luggage Gallery Store in Miami, who is getting tired of getting asked about “funbags”. Ha!

By the way, is that Frodo’s little sister at the 1:05 mark?

Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!

In what Denise Richards is sure to think is a direct retaliatory assault on her character, Charlie Sheen announced yesterday that wife Brooke Mueller is pregnant with twins. According to Us Weekly

Charlie Sheen and his wife are expecting twin boys. In June, the pair joked that they were hoping for triplets. “Could you imagine if I really had triplets? He’d be like, ‘Whoa!’” Mueller told Extra.

For the record, this may be the first time the words “Charlie Sheen” and “twins” have been used in the same sentence without the words “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders.”

Denise at Moscow Fashion Week yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Photo

Twins that probably do both “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders,” Karissa and Kristina Shannon:

PHOTO CREDIT: Splash

The new wifey has gotten a hold of Charlie Sheen’s man butter — and you can bet Denise Richards isn’t going to like it. Rush and Molloy say

Her ex Charlie Sheen is expecting a baby with new wife Brooke Mueller. “They are so happy and excited,” a spy [says]. “They are in love, and this news makes things even better.”

Denise is desperate for Charlie’s spunk, so the idea of it being wasted on some skank’s lesser egg is going to send her spiraling out of control. Screaming, crying, milking Charlie’s prostate at gunpoint in the middle of the night — the works. Full mental breakdown. Personally, I can’t imagine getting that worked up over some guy’s ejaculate. Unless said ejaculate ended up in my eye and ruined a perfectly good pair of contacts. Then you can goddamn bet that you’re paying the optometrist’s bill. Hey, it’s not like I go around menstruating in your eyes or anything there, William Tell. Next time work on your aim.

On the set of her new Bollywood movie: