If you want to see a waste of a perfectly good naked woman, try on next month’s Details magazine for size. You’ll find American Idol runner-up and notorious flamer Adam Lambert doing his best hetero impression all over a beautiful naked female model inside. I just don’t get it. Adam Lambert is gay, and Details magazine is gay… it doesn’t make any sense. The only way a naked woman is going to appeal to that target demographic is if there’s an article about the sophisticated old world charm wainscoting adds to a room and a recipe for the perfect risotto al Barolo printed on her backside.
People are always asking me, “Hey, Abby — why has it been all ‘nipple’ this and ‘booby’ that around here lately?” And the answer is simple. It’s because according to Google statistics, that’s what 92% of people on the internet are trying to see. Pander to the masses, I always say! I also say, “I reject your reality and substitute my own” and “No griefing the Game Master!” Yeah, people don’t really like me all that much.
Miley Cyrus‘ 20-year old boyfriend Justin Gaston offers a little insight into the inner machinations of a male model’s mind in a positively riveting interview in next month’s Details magazine.
On who would play him in a movie:
“I think if Ashton Kutcher played me, like, he would be probably a funnier me. He’s a pretty funny guy. But I’m going to say Johnny Depp, just cause I really like Johnny Depp and we’re just going to be crazy, like. Like Johnny Depp’s going to play like an older me. He’s gonna be like me when I’m older. Cause he’s a really cool and he’s a great actor so then I’ll seem really cool.”
On who he would like to trade lives with:
“I’d like to be one of those lap dogs that just get petted all day. Cause they just have the best life. They wake up, they get fed and they have attention all the time. I like attention. I don’t like to be by myself, so I want to be one of those little dogs. Is that weird?”
Then he said, “I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is” before adding, “You know, words can only hurt you if you try to read them. That’s why I don’t play their game.”
I always thought Emmy Rossum kinda looked like an albatross until I saw these pictures of her in next month’s issue of Details magazine. Boy, was I wrong. She looks nothing like a bird. She looks like she could be Eva Mendes’ slutty little sister or something. So, because I am humble enough to admit my mistakes, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Ms. Rossum for my avian comparison of late, and ask that she please allow me to extend my open invitation to wear her ass like a surgeon’s mask. It’s the least I could do, considering the circumstances.
