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68-year-old Tony Scott, who directed such Hollywood blockbusters as Top Gun and Crimson Tide, died after jumping from a bridge in Los Angeles on Sunday. The NY Daily News says:

Scott parked his car at the crest of the Vincent Thomas Bridge spanning Los Angeles Harbor, about 185 feet above the water, and leaped to his death as witnesses looked on in horror.

Scott reportedly battled inoperable brain cancer.

“The autopsy is scheduled for this morning. We might (see a brain issue), but we don’t have anything medically confirmed at this time,” Ed Winter, the assistant chief coroner for Los Angeles County [said].

Another coroner source said Scott left several notes to loved ones in his car and at a second location.

In more sad old people dying news, comedic legend Phyllis Diller also passed away on Sunday at the age of 95. USA Today says:

The raucous comedian, known for her wild wigs and cackling laugh, “died peacefully in her sleep with a smile on her face,” longtime manager Milt Suchin [said].

In addition to blazing a trail as a woman in the male-dominated field of comedy, Diller paved the way for [Joan] Rivers and [Roseanne] Barr, [telling jokes about] domestic and marital strife and [making] self-deprecating jokes about her often-outlandish appearance, which was part of her act.

Death is always sad, no matter how old a person is, and Mondays are plenty sad all on their own without me making it worse. Fortunately, there’s nothing a little Kelly Brook in a see-through dress can’t fix. Assuming you’re all out of vodka.

At the London premiere of Keith Lemon: The Film in a dress dangerously similar to this one:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News

The whipper-snappers of today might not know who Rodney King was, but I bet they’ve heard the timeless “Can’t we all just get along?” catchphrase that became synonymous with his beating by four Los Angeles police officers and the ensuing race riots of 1992. As a recap, Rodney — who was on parole for a robbery and driving with a blood alcohol level of twice the legal limit — led police on a high speed chase through L.A., then refused to get out of the car once he was finally caught, then refused to lie down on the ground when he was ordered, and STILL refused to lie on the ground even after being tased, so several police officers swarmed him and forcibly subdued him with batons. The forcible submission was caught on video by a passerby, who released the footage to the media, and the resulting public outcry of police brutality led to four police officers being tried for “excessive use of force.” The officers were ultimately acquitted, which incited a six-day riot in the streets Los Angeles that killed 53 people and injured over 2,000. Rodney was also a star on Celebrity Rehab and Sober House. Radar Online says:

Police in Rialto, California, received a 911 call from King’s fiancee, Cynthia Kelly, about 5:25 a.m. Officers found King at the bottom of the pool, and attempted to revive him. He was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

There were no signs of foul play, she said, and no obvious injuries on King’s body. There will be a formal drowning investigation and an autopsy.

When asked for comment, the L.A.P.D. said, “Ha ha… we all know black people can’t swim!” and then set a cross on fire. Sorry, but I had to cover both angles, just to be fair. That’s good journalism 101.

Footage from the riots:

New Year’s Eve has officially been canceled forever — legendary television personality Dick Clark has died. And not just on the inside because he was forced to co-host with Ryan Seacrest. People Magazine says:

Dick Clark, the producer known as “America’s Oldest Teenager” for his perennially youthful looks and enthusiasm, has died at age 82.

Clark suffered a “massive heart attack” on Wednesday morning after he entered St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica for an outpatient procedure on Tuesday night.

“Attempts to resuscitate were unsuccessful. He is survived by his wife Kari and his three children, RAC, Duane and Cindy,” the statement continues.

Yeeeah! Fun Fact: now that Dick has passed, the title of “America’s Oldest Teenager” will be officially be held by Courtney Stodden. But for entirely different reasons.

See Exhibits A-E for details:

Legendary singer Etta James, best known for her 1961 cover of “At Last”, passed away today at age 73. Us Weekly says,

Blues legend Etta James lost her battle with leukemia early Friday, succumbing to her illness at Riverside Community Hospital in Riverside, Calif., her manager, Lupe De Leon, has confirmed.

The singer’s husband, Artis Mills, and sons were at her side at the time of her passing.

“This is a tremendous loss for the family, her friends and fans around the world,” De Leon said of James, who would have turned 74 Wednesday. “She was a true original who could sing it all — her music defied category. I worked with Etta for over 30 years. She was my friend and I will miss her always.”

People with voices and real talent like Etta die, while we’re left with “entertainers” like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. Hell in a handbasket, people. Hell in a handbasket.

After battling pancreatic cancer for the last seven years, Apple founder Steve Jobs died today. He was 56 years old. Apple said on their official website:

“Apple has lost a visionary and creative genius, and the world has lost an amazing human being.

Those of us who have been fortunate enough to know and work with Steve have lost a dear friend and an inspiring mentor. Steve leaves behind a company that only he could have built, and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple.”

His family said in a statement:

“Steve died peacefully today surrounded by his family. In his public life, Steve was known as a visionary; in his private life, he cherished his family. We are thankful to the many people who have shared their wishes and prayers during the last year of Steve’s illness.”

Steve Jobs had more money than God, but I guaran-damn-tee he’d have given it all up for just one more day. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m gonna go sit in my room in the dark and put “Everybody Hurts” on repeat for a while.

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