Legendary singer Etta James, best known for her 1961 cover of “At Last”, passed away today at age 73. Us Weekly says,

Blues legend Etta James lost her battle with leukemia early Friday, succumbing to her illness at Riverside Community Hospital in Riverside, Calif., her manager, Lupe De Leon, has confirmed.

The singer’s husband, Artis Mills, and sons were at her side at the time of her passing.

“This is a tremendous loss for the family, her friends and fans around the world,” De Leon said of James, who would have turned 74 Wednesday. “She was a true original who could sing it all — her music defied category. I worked with Etta for over 30 years. She was my friend and I will miss her always.”

People with voices and real talent like Etta die, while we’re left with “entertainers” like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. Hell in a handbasket, people. Hell in a handbasket.

After battling pancreatic cancer for the last seven years, Apple founder Steve Jobs died today. He was 56 years old. Apple said on their official website:

“Apple has lost a visionary and creative genius, and the world has lost an amazing human being.

Those of us who have been fortunate enough to know and work with Steve have lost a dear friend and an inspiring mentor. Steve leaves behind a company that only he could have built, and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple.”

His family said in a statement:

“Steve died peacefully today surrounded by his family. In his public life, Steve was known as a visionary; in his private life, he cherished his family. We are thankful to the many people who have shared their wishes and prayers during the last year of Steve’s illness.”

Steve Jobs had more money than God, but I guaran-damn-tee he’d have given it all up for just one more day. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m gonna go sit in my room in the dark and put “Everybody Hurts” on repeat for a while.

We all knew this was coming, but I have to admit I was still a little taken aback by the news — 27-year old singer Amy Winehouse was found dead in her Camden home on Saturday. Apparently her liver was not made of adamantium after all. The Daily Mail says:

Although the exact cause of death has not yet been released by police, it is claimed she was seen buying cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and ketamine leading up to the hours before her death.

She is also thought to have been drinking heavily.

Winehouse also suffered from emphysema, which is a disease of the lungs that causes shortness of breath.

This is just so tragic and disappointing. I had Lindsay Lohan ranked above her on my celebrity deathpool. I guess that’s five dollars I won’t be getting back.

Amy’s last ever public performance with goddaughter Dionne Bromfield last Wednesday:

Sad news today for fans of Columbo star Peter Falk–he passed away last night at his home in Beverly Hills. Says Us Weekly,

The Emmy-winning actor was 83. Although family members declined to discuss the cause of death, Falk had been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and dementia for many years, his adopted daughter Catherine Falk said.

Back in 2009, a judge settled a dispute between Catherine and Falk’s wife, Shera, over conservatorship of the ailing actor.

Falk’s biggest claim to fame was his role as a wry, tough-talking TV detective in Colombo, for which he won four Emmys; he was also nominated for numerous Oscars for his film work.

Falk is survived by Shera (his wife of over 30 years) and daughters Catherine and Jackie, whom he adopted with first wife Alyce Mayo.

I wasn’t around when Columbo was being produced, but I always remember him from his role of Fred Savage’s grandfather in one of the greatest comedy movies ever, The Princess Bride. Rest in peace, Mr. Falk.

Oscar-winner and timeless beauty Elizabeth Taylor passed away today at the age of 79. People Magazine says:

On Feb. 11, it was announced that Ms. Taylor had been in taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for symptoms caused by congestive heart failure, and around 1:30 a.m. [this morning] she “peacefully died there,” according to her publicist.

Elizabeth Taylor was beautiful in a way that puts all today’s botoxed anorexic Hollywood starlets to shame. Really, just look at these photos of Liz and then look at a picture of Jennifer Aniston. Liz makes her look like some kind of hideous genetic anomaly the townfolk kept locked in a basement until its tail disappeared.

I don’t know what the heck is going on.  The second to last Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan has died.  It’s like Death is on a rampage in the celebrity world. Dear Death: How about knocking off someone who really needs to go? Can you please make a stop at Speidi’s place? Pretty please? Kthanxbye! People Magazine gives the details.

Golden Girl Rue McClanahan has died at the age of 76.

“She passed away at 1 a.m. this morning,” her manager, Barbara Lawrence, tells PEOPLE. “She had a massive stroke.”

McClanahan, who played man-happy Blanche Devereaux on the still-popular ’80s sitcom Golden Girls, had suffered a minor stroke earlier this year while recovering from bypass surgery. Lawrence adds that at the time of her death Thursday, McClanahan “had her family with her. She went in peace.”

Rest in peace, Blanche! If you don’t automatically get into heaven, I’m sure you can work something out with St. Peter! *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*

The sound you hear is the panicked screaming of eight million Twihards.  But settle down spazatrons, because Taylor Lautner isn’t actually dead.  From E!:

In a career milestone achieved by only a select few (and Jaleel White), Twilight Saga star Taylor Lautner has become the victim of his very own Internet death hoax.

Take that, Robert Pattinson.

No, Lautner’s not really dead. A rep for Summit Entertainment tells E! News, “I am almost 100-percent positive this is a hoax.” (After double-checking with the home office in Hollywood, the rep confirmed this was indeed a hoax.)

Besides, unless our favorite werewolf doubles as a zombie, he’ll be presenting in the flesh at Sunday’s Golden Globe Awards, organizers announced today.

Well, that’s a shame.  Now that Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled, I have no use at all for Taylor Lautner so he may as well be dead for realsies.  His demise would probably cause heart attacks in at least half of those creepy Twimums, so it would be an humanitarian effort, really.

Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and “fiancée” of Tila Tequila, was found dead in her LA home at age 30.  From People:

[Johnson's] death was announced by Tequila on her Twitter page and confirmed by police.

“Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson,” Tequila wrote. “She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w/ family.”‘

Los Angeles police and firefighters were called to a house at 11:51 a.m. Monday. Johnson was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears to be a natural death,” says police Officer Sara Faden. “There’s no evidence of foul play. A toxicology report from the coroner’s office will proceed next.”

Johnson, who leaves a toddler daughter Ava whom she had adopted, was the great-great granddaughter of the founder of the pharmaceutical giant, and the daughter of New York Jets owner Robert Wood Johnson.

An openly gay socialite, Johnson had a knack for attracting paparazzi – and trouble. A nasty fight with ex-girlfriend Courtenay Semel, daughter of former Yahoo chief Terry Semel, reportedly resulted in Johnson’s hair catching on fire last October. Then in November, she was arrested for allegedly breaking into another former girlfriend’s house.

Meh, who cares?  Yeah, I know that’s cruel and inhumane and whatnot, but I’m an asshole so that shouldn’t surprise you.  Seriously, does anyone actually CARE that this chick died?  She’s like a less-famous version of Paris Hilton, and people would only care if Paris died in the sense that they would want to plan a party to celebrate the occasion.

Anyway, there’s lots of speculation about prescription drugs being the cause of death, but I’m betting what actually happened is that Casey Johnson somehow realised she was engaged to Tila goddamn Tequila, and she died of shame on the spot.  I don’t know if “shame” shows up in an autopsy, though, so this mystery may never be solved.

Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy passed away on Tuesday after suffering from a brain tumor. He was 77 years old. People Magazine reports

“Edward M. Kennedy – the husband, father, grandfather, brother and uncle we loved so deeply – died late Tuesday night at home in Hyannis Port,” his family said in a statement. “We’ve lost the irreplaceable center of our family and joyous light in our lives, but the inspiration of his faith, optimism, and perseverance will live on in our hearts forever.

And don’t let’s forget the inspiration of his leaving a woman to drown after driving his Oldsmobile off a bridge, or his legacy of sexual assault, crippling alcoholism, and all-around whoremongering. I just hope they have enough room to fit all that on his tombstone at Arlington.

Hi guys, it’s Sarah.  As you’ve no doubt heard by now, John Hughes died of a heart attack Thursday morning whilst walking near his NYC home.  Hughes was a writer, producer, and director of films including, but not limited to, National Lampoon’s Vacation, European Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Mr. Mom, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, The Great Outdoors, Uncle Buck, and Home Alone.  Hughes almost singlehandedly created a genre of film, made the Brat Pack out of a bunch of nobodies, and defined an entire generation, and he did it all well before the age of 40.  What the hell have the rest of us done lately?

So long, Mr. Hughes, and thanks for all the memories.

A tribute montage via TheFlickcast (thanks to Dustin at Pajiba for the link):

Holy shit. You pass out at the neighborhood pool for a few hours, come back and Michael Jackson is dead. That’s two celebrities in one day, for those of you keeping a death toll. TMZ says

Michael Jackson has died. He was 50.

Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon at his home and paramedics were unable to revive him. We’re told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.

A source tells us Jackson was dead when paramedics arrived.

Once at the hospital, the staff tried to resuscitate him but he was completely unresponsive.

Wow. I always figured he’d die on the operating table or erotically asphyxiating himself in a burqa some little kid’s closet. I have to say, this was much more dignified way to go.

In his honor, more naked pictures of Bo Derek (first printed in Lui Magazine in May 1980 before appearing in Playboy), since everyone seemed to enjoy them so much today:

Legendary “Tonight Show” sidekick Ed McMahon has passed away at the age of 86. TMZ reports

He died at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in California this morning. McMahon was fighting a multitude of health problems, including cancer.

He is best known as Johnny Carson’s sidekick on “The Tonight Show” and for his infamous catchphrase, “Heeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!”

With Carson and MacMahon reunited again, heaven just got a whole lot funnier! Unless, of course, Johnny Carson went to hell. Then it’s just sad again.