More of Michael Lohan’s phone tapes were released this week containing a conversation between him and ex-wife Dina in which she claims that daughter Lindsay was secretly dating Heath Ledger when he died. Radar Online says

In the recorded audio tape of a phone conversation between Dina and Michael Lohan, Dina says, “She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends, very very close, ok? [His death really] f—d her up.”

Dina told Michael about the relationship because she was afraid for Lindsay’s life too: “When she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it [I'm afraid] she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking,” adding, “She cannot be alone… [she's an] irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she’s got wrong with her.”

Well, Heath Ledger’s overdose is starting to make a lot more sense now. You could jack off a hairless chihuahua in front of your grandmother while taking it up the ass from a fat guy in a gimp mask and still not experience as much shame as you would after spending the night with Lindsay Lohan. I’m actually surprised that Ryan Adams, Benicio del Toro, Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brett Ratner, Brody Jenner, Stavros Niarchos, Jamie Burke, Harry Judd, Hayden Christensen, Harry Morton, Rhys Ifans, Calum Best, Johnny Knoxville, Jared Leto, Wilmer Valderrama, Shaun White, Jude Law, Sean Penn, Gerard Butler, Ben Holz, Tony Allen and various others haven’t taken their own lives yet. I guess being drunk to the point of blackout helps you convince yourself it never happened.

Michael Lohan claims to have numerous phone tapes and messages left by ex-wife Dina that prove that daughter Lindsay is an out-of-control drug addict, and he’s going to be releasing them to the media next week. According to the NY Daily News

“I have proof that Dina has told me Lindsay is on death’s doorstep, that she doesn’t have much time left. There have been frantic calls. And I’m going to prove that Dina is the liar, not me.”

The whole world is about to hear it: A source confirms that Michael is set to air the numerous voice-mail messages she’s left on Monday’s “Entertainment Tonight.”

“She has expressed to me that Lindsay is in dire, dire need of an intervention,” Michael said. “My lawyers told me to keep every single conversation - and I did.”

Who exactly is he trying to convince she’s an addict with all this? It’s not like the rest of the goddamn world doesn’t already know. If he really wants to reach his daughter, blathering on Maury and Entertainment Tonight isn’t going to cut it. He needs to put his message about knee-level in an L.A. nightclub’s men’s bathroom or on the bottom of a bottle of vodka. It’s the only way she’ll ever see it.

Leaving — you guessed it! — an L.A. nightclub last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Since court-ordered paternal conservatorship worked out so well for Britney Spears, Michael Lohan is hoping he’ll be able to rehabilitate daughter Lindsay through the magic of the California legal system. But if the courts won’t give him control of her estate, it’s not going to stop him from saving her the only way he knows how: a class B felony. According to MSNBC

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan [said]. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

Not if Lindsay Lohan gets her way. LiLo plans to file a restraining order to keep her estranged dad far outside of kidnapping range.

“[My ex-wife] Dina is the one that told her to get a restraining order,” Michael Lohan said. “But you know what? I’m still going to try to do everything to get Lindsay better.”

And if kidnapping and forcibly institutionalizing her doesn’t work, he could always hook her up to a car battery and electroshock her straight himself. You don’t win Father of the Year without being a hands-on kind of dad, my father always used to say! Mostly while he was beating us with a roll of seat belt or the bag of oranges he kept in the freezer.

Leaving a hair salon in L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Mother’s Day is just about a month away, and clearly Dina Lohan is itching to show the world at large what a model parent she is:

When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25, Us Weekly reports.

“Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age.

“You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.

You know, I would like to meet Dina Lohan one day.  I would like to sit down with her at a quaint sidewalk cafe and ask her, “God, lady, why are you so crazy?”, and then I’d like to push her into oncoming traffic.  It’ll be super fun.  For me, at least.

Ali Lohan and mom Dina arrived at the Animal Fair magazine Halloween Pet Costume Contest yesterday looking like a couple of forty-something cocktail waitresses who just got off the night shift at the local strip club. Ali was in a costume, my guess as “Barb Wire” or “Former Chippendale,” but The Sun says differently:

The 14-year-old turned up in a strangely half-hearted kitten outfit — skintight black leggings, a midriff revealing top and a sheer white top. Her outfit was topped off with a pair of cat’s ears and for some reason, a bow tie.

A kitten! Riiight. Because cats are big into mesh and cheesy tattoos and suffer from premature aging and low self-esteem. Just another visible reminder of why you should spay or neuter them. Or, you know, at least hold their head underwater until they stop making shitty pop albums.

Everyone’s buzzing about CNN anchor Anderson Cooper’s comments about the Lohan family on “Live with Regis & Kelly” yesterday morning, mostly because he burned the hell out of them. Cooper said

“‘Living Lohan’ is just a train wreck, and I watched it for a while. And I finally said to myself, ‘I cannot believe I am wasting a minute of my life watching these horrific people. There’s this perfectly nice, allegedly a 14-year-old girl, looks to be about 60… I say that with concern and love. She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort, striptease person, i don’t know.’”

Dina Lohan was, of course, outraged enough to contact the tabloids. Not CNN, not Anderson Cooper, not “Live with Regis and Kelly,” but the tabloids. She told OK! Magazine

“People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him.”

And Cooper mentioned her OK interview on his show 360 last night, saying

She probably didn’t even see [the 'Regis and Kelly clip] live because she was out clubbing, and you know, it’s on early in the morning, so she’s probably rolling home.

Sorry, but Dina Lohan just got schooled, owned, served and brought. All that’s missing is the front handspring round-off full-twisting layout at Nationals.

In an attempt to get Ali Lohan’s movie career rolling, mother Dina sent her 14-year-old daughter to a meet-and-greet with a porn producer. According to MSNBC

In [last Sunday's] episode [of "Living Lohan,"] Ali appears at a casting call for a role in the upcoming horror flick “Troll.” One of the men [she interviewed with while she was there] was Peter Davy — the man-behind-the-cam on “Breast Wishes 14,” “Texas Crude” and “Bun Sisters 12” — a fact that publicity-loving momager Dina was supposedly unaware of until TMZ broke the news.

Mama Lohan [is reportedly] steaming mad and “ready to roll heads,” about the mix-up.

There are certain types of hairless rats kill their young immediately after birth. Of course, they kill because of the same genetic anomaly that makes them hairless also makes them unable to lactate. Dina Lohan doesn’t have any excuse.

Ali in Barely Legal Teen Vogue:

Dina Lohan continued whoring out her family in the name of ratings at Project Cuddle Friday night. Addressing rumors that her daughter Lindsay is involved in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, she told OK! Magazine

“If [Lindsay's] happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

So Dina’s no longer denying it, but she’s not exactly confirming it, either. That’s what’s known in television terms as a “teaser.” The announcer voice would say, “Is Lindsay gay? Isn’t she? Find out on next week’s “Living Lohan,” where Dina scours the tabloids for rumors and then latently substantiates them!” It’s kinda like sitting down to take a dump but only cranking out a couple of farts instead. Nothing of any consequence really happens, and you’re right back where you started, which is either on a toilet or watching a Lohan reality show. Six of one, in my opinion.

Lindsay in L.A. Thursday:

Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina has finally spoken out about her daughter’s New York magazine recreation of Marilyn Monroe’s famous “Last Sitting.” In three words? Thumbs-fuckin’-up. Dina told People Magazine

“It was very tastefully done. I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. I looked at it as art. I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy… Trust me, I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old [daughter Alli] to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there that was risqué.”

All I can say is Dina was a hell of a lot more supportive of her daughter’s nudity than my own mother ever was. When my mom found those naked picture of me my junior year, I never heard the words “congratulations on your art” come out of her mouth. Instead it was all “You’re only sixteen” this and “Oh my God — is that your stepfather?!” that. I’m sure I could have really made a difference if my mother hadn’t divorced Todd and pulled the plug my artistic visions back in high school.

Lindsay at WWE Raw Monday night and smoking her way to beautiful:

Where do you go to complain about your girlfriend’s mom being a total buzzkill? 68% of high school freshman unanimously answered “Your MySpace account!” Ding ding ding! Also noted: “third period study hall” and “to her front step with a loaded weapon registered under your uncle’s name.” From Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend (possible fiance?) Riley Giles’ MySpace account (via OK! Magazine):

“ADVICE OF THE WEEK: if your a mom, with 4 kids, the best thing u can do for them right now is have a reality show. WE. DO. NOT. WANT. she had the nerve to ask us to be on. no thanks!”

Aw, so no-go on Dina Lohan’s new show? That’s too bad. Without Lindsay on the case, Dina’s gonna have to find another way to keep the ratings up. Like showing up unannounced at Lindsay and Riley’s door with a camera crew and an eight ball or embedding cameras in their NYC apartment and replacing all the bottled water inside with gin. It’s a fact that unless Dina’s new show features a) Lindsay Lohan doing stuff; b) Lindsay Lohan’s boobs; or c) Lindsay Lohan and her boobs doing stuff, nobody is going to give a rat’s ass about watching a washed-up coke whore and the rest of her less-famous little bastards taking turns yelling at each other. They already have a name for that sort of drivel. It’s called “Judge Mathis” and “justice that makes a difference.” Check your local listings for airtimes.

Lindsay and her luscious mane of realistic-looking hair leaving a beauty salon last week:

When you think “Lindsay Lohan” and “Britney Spears,” I know the first thing that comes to your mind is “Why in God’s name haven’t their mothers written a book on successful parenting? Or at least made a reality show chronicling their everyday experiences as an empowered single mother?” Well, the wait is over, my friends! Us Weekly reports

Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears is writing a book on parenting for Christian publisher Thomas Nelson. The book, which will be coming out next Mother’s Day is titled Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World. It’s a parenting book that’s going to have faith elements to it.

People magazine adds

Filming is set to begin Oct. 30 on the untitled E! reality TV series starring Dina Lohan. [Dina], who will serve as the show’s executive producer, [says] she wants the show to empower single mothers by illustrating her own life as a working mom. “It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income. There are so many misconceptions about me and my family. I’m setting the record straight.”

Some little girls might say they want to be a doctor or an astronaut or even president when they grow up, but we all know that deep down, every girl’s dream is to be a coked-up slut with multiple takes in rehab. And with Dina’s new show and Lynne’s new book, you’ll be able to ensure they do just that. Girls don’t just magically turn into whores with drinking problems overnight, you know. It takes years of capitalizing on their fame and paychecks, a bitter divorce or two and completely indulging them at every turn so they see you as a friend rather than a authoritarian in order to complete the metamorphosis. Don’t let your daughters settle for a college degree when there’s a whole world of drug-fueled debauchery and chronic abortions just over the horizon!

Lindsay and Riley Giles sucking face: