Dina Lohan is reportedly writing a memoir in which she reveals all about daughter Lindsay’s secrets and scandals and addictions, because why the hell else would you want to read it? Every good mother knows you have to sacrifice the cash cow once its metaphorical legs are broken. In a draft of a prologue for the memoir obtained by TMZ, Dina writes:

“I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living–and it tore me up inside.”

“How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone.”

Yes, what could possibly go wrong? I think your average teenager abandoned on the doorstep of the new Babylon with seven different lines of credit and an entourage of ass-kissers would choose a lifestyle of predictability and rote responsibility. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a story where a child actor left to his own devices didn’t turn out to be a resounding success later in life. It’s pretty obvious Dina did everything she could.

So Lindsay Lohan does kiss her mother with that mouth. Apparently, with tongue. This looks like a screen cap from “Zombie Strippers 2.”

Model Lara Stone in next month’s GQ Men of the Year issue, because nobody wants to see any more of that shit:

There’s always drama with the Lohan clan, so what could be more natural fodder for a movie script? The Lohans are pretending they’re not delighted to be getting more attention drawn to them, so what’s the best way to up the ante? File a lawsuit. TMZ says,

Producers of “Dogs in Pocketbooks” — a movie pretty clearly based on Lindsay Lohan’s wild ride — may have to open their own pocketbooks, because the Lohan clan is considering legal action.

As we told you yesterday, “Dogs” is based on a spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on.

Lydia Hearst, Lindsay’s spitting image, will star in the movie.

Dina Lohan says the new movie “is definitely based on Lindsay’s likeness,” and “We have a very strong case. It’s shadowing E*TRADE” — referring to Lohan’s suit against the online brokerage firm which produced a commercial featuring a baby Lindsay.

Now we’ve learned Lohan’s family lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, has been contacted by the Lohan family and it seems Ovadia thinks they have a case: “They are again using her likeness without her being compensated.”

Ovadia adds, “Not only that but they are advertising the fact that they are using her likeness.”

Dina warns, “Anyone bringing negativity will be dealt with accordingly.”

Oh please beeyatch. You hear “spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on”, who else are you going to think of but Lindsay? You could slap a wig on a springer spaniel and everyone would know who you’re talking about. Believe me, I know. They asked my dog to play the part, but she was really offended.

In a Benn Jaye photoshoot:

After the vicious denial she gave the last time she was on The Today Show, a visibly subdued Dina Lohan finally admitted to Matt Lauer this morning that her daughter Lindsay was in fact an addict. MSNBC says:

The reason she’d been unwilling to admit [her daughter was an addict] before was because Lindsay had to admit it first. “I wasn’t in denial,” Dina said. “As a mother it wasn’t for me to come and tell the world about her problem… It was for her to come to her evolution. As a mother we protect.”

“She’s just a different person. She’s been in a couple facilities, but this one to me has really changed her.”

She’s obviously still in denial, only she’s switched gears from “she’s not an addict” to “now she’s a changed woman!” And not only that — she’s also in denial about that crappy weave making her look young and hip and sexy. The overprocessed hair extensions ship sailed about fifteen years ago, sister. And everyone on board drowned in a sea of that frosted pink lipstick you’re wearing. I think it’s finally time to let go.

And speaking of complete denial, Taylor Momsen at the EMAs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Now that her cash cow has been milked dry, Dina Lohan is allegedly shopping around a new reality show centered around daughter Lindsay’s current stint in rehab. Radar Online says:

Dina is planning for an upcoming visit with Lindsay and is allegedly hoping to sell photos of the trip (which her other kids Michael Jr., 22, Ali, 16, and Cody, 13, will be present for).

“Not only has Dina been ‘shopping’ around her upcoming trip to visit Lindsay in rehab at Betty Ford… to media outlets for the sale of pictures BUT she is doing it to develop a new REALITY SHOW!,” a source told the site.

“She can’t get a show about her own life, so she’s using Lindsay’s troubles to get her a reality show.”

Wow. Dina must be really hard up for money, huh? I guess being the Curator of Hell just doesn’t pay like it used to. Anyway, it’s not like you can buy stuff with human souls. Those things are only legal tender in Washington, D.C.

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With rumors that Lindsay will be getting out of rehab early and reports that the judge on her case had been replaced, Dina Lohan finally broke her silence and spoke exclusively to the Today Show about her daughter’s recent legal troubles. People magazine says:

An argumentative Dina Lohan – placing the blame on the judge no longer on the case and staunchly defending the behavior of her daughter Lindsay Lohan – appeared on Friday’s Today show, declaring there was nothing wrong with her child.

“I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but she’s still paying the price for what she did in 2007,” said an often-agitated Dina, 47. “She’s changed. She’s grown up considerably.”

Repeatedly accusing Judge Marsha Revel of “going overboard” and “playing hardball,” Dina said that information will be coming out next week showing that the jurist had to remove herself from the case before she was about to be fired.

Pressed about her daughter’s problems, Dina said, “That’s all propaganda,” and called tabloid coverage of Lindsay “pre-orchestrated. You’re reading things that are not based on fact.”

Anyone else notice that Dina Lohan repeats herself like she’s fucking Rain Man? As someone who’s spent a lot of time in the highly-functioning retard section of the mental ward, I can personally tell you they make for great drinking games. Just chug every time she says the words “hardball,” “recuse,” criminal stayaways,” and “summa cum laude.” You’ll be drunk before noon, I promise. And this time, you’ll actually have a legitimate excuse.

Despite claims that daughter Lindsay Lohan is getting preferential treatment, stellar mom Dina Lohan says that’s not so. Explains Popeater,

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on,” Dina told RadarOnline.com yesterday. “I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker, but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

That said, Dina did admit that the guards and inmates have been “pretty cool” to Lindsay.

“We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close,” Dina told Radar. “When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

I suppose it does seem like unfair treatment when you think you’re above traditional conventions like being expected to pay for stuff, so why should her precious princess have to serve time just like everyone else? Lindsay has made some piss-poor decisions on her own, but with an epic failure of a mother like Dina, being a trainwreck with an over-inflated sense of entitlement was a shoo-in.

Dina and Ali Lohan visiting Lindsay. Notice Ali doesn’t want her picture taken, but Dina doesn’t mind at all:

Lindsay Lohan has 4 more days of freedom left before she heads into the clinker to serve her 90-day sentence, and she’s being warned that time in a solo cell might not be the piece of cake everyone thinks it’ll be. I can only hope it’s true. Says Popeater,

“Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan,” Tamara Haley, a 38-year-old doing time for heroin possession and prostitution, told British tabloid The Sun. “Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it.”

Haley warned that Lohan’s situation, in a solo cell away from most inmates, won’t be a cake walk. “She’ll be segregated from the general population, but where she’s going it is even worse. It’s the wing where the murderers are. I don’t think they will actually be able to get to her, but you never know. At the very least some of those hardcases will try to scare her.”

A source this week Star Magazine that Lindsay had made terrifying remarks after her court sentencing. “She just kept repeating, ‘I can’t go to jail,’ and, ‘I’ll kill myself first.’”

The biggest challenges Lindsay will face may come from physical conditions at the jail and her own sanity, Haley says. “I’ve been in segregation and it was rough. The lights are on the whole time. You hear people screaming all night long. The cells are filthy and kept brutally cold. You get one tiny blanket and that’s it. There’s an infection going around now. You can barely sleep at night from all the coughing.”

I wish I could pull up a chair with some popcorn and a soda and see what transpires. The only bummer is that she’ll probably be stoned out of her gourd with her cocktail of Ambien, Adderall and Dilaudid the whole 3 weeks she’ll probably end up serving.  Through the haze of her drugs, she’d probably think a beat-down was a barrage of marshmallows raining down from a lemon custard sky,  and the yells and taunts would seem like the buzzing of bees drinking nectar from the flowers floating through the air. Sucks. There’s always something to rain on my parade!

Going to a studio for an interview in Culver City with mom Dina Lohan:

Pornstar-turned-Tiger-Woods-mistress Devon “Butt Monkey” James filed a paternity action lawsuit against the golfer yesterday claiming he’s the father of her bastard kid, but why talk about boring stuff like that when we can talk about the Dina Lohan Ice Cream Cake Shamefest?! I’ll assume from the silence that you’re all nodding your heads in staunch agreement right now. That’s why I love you guys so much.

It all started when Lindsay Lohan’s mom stopped in a Carvel Ice Cream store to get a cake for son Cody’s birthday. And I say “get” instead of “buy,” because when it was time to pay for the cake, Dina produced a special Carvel Black card — a promotional VIP card that entitles the owner to free ice cream — and said she wasn’t going to pony up any dough because she was famous. And that’s when the Shamefest officially commenced. Dina told Radar Online:

“The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’ Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake! This guy was crazy!”

All the Lohans have ‘Black’ cards, [but I] picked up Ali’s card [by mistake].

I didn’t think it be a problem! I couldn’t believe this guy… it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card — and for what? Over a free ice cream?!

Finally he gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’ It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people.”

Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!”

But Carvel issued a statement calling out Dina for cashing in on her daughter’s celebrity status:

As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration last year, we issued 75 Black Cards to celebrities. These cards were issued in the celebrity’s name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use.

Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, her extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present. At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned. The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again. This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity’s name for their own purposes.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was still reeling from the “It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people” comment. I’m a regular person, and nobody gives me any free fucking ice cream. And the cops certainly don’t show up because I call and tell them nobody was giving me any free ice cream and I want something done about it. I’d get charged with making a false 911 call and have to cough up a $1,000 fine and spend six months in jail if I pulled that shit, which is 179 days less than Lindsay Lohan spent in jail for her two consecutive DUIs and cocaine possession. But yeah, they’re treated so much worse than regular people. I’d like to beat all the teeth out of her self-entitled head with a tire iron and rearrange them to spell “fuck you, you stupid ungrateful cunt.” Too bad my last name isn’t Lohan, or I’d probably get away with it, too.

More of Michael Lohan’s phone tapes were released this week containing a conversation between him and ex-wife Dina in which she claims that daughter Lindsay was secretly dating Heath Ledger when he died. Radar Online says

In the recorded audio tape of a phone conversation between Dina and Michael Lohan, Dina says, “She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends, very very close, ok? [His death really] f—d her up.”

Dina told Michael about the relationship because she was afraid for Lindsay’s life too: “When she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it [I'm afraid] she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking,” adding, “She cannot be alone… [she's an] irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she’s got wrong with her.”

Well, Heath Ledger’s overdose is starting to make a lot more sense now. You could jack off a hairless chihuahua in front of your grandmother while taking it up the ass from a fat guy in a gimp mask and still not experience as much shame as you would after spending the night with Lindsay Lohan. I’m actually surprised that Ryan Adams, Benicio del Toro, Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brett Ratner, Brody Jenner, Stavros Niarchos, Jamie Burke, Harry Judd, Hayden Christensen, Harry Morton, Rhys Ifans, Calum Best, Johnny Knoxville, Jared Leto, Wilmer Valderrama, Shaun White, Jude Law, Sean Penn, Gerard Butler, Ben Holz, Tony Allen and various others haven’t taken their own lives yet. I guess being drunk to the point of blackout helps you convince yourself it never happened.

Michael Lohan claims to have numerous phone tapes and messages left by ex-wife Dina that prove that daughter Lindsay is an out-of-control drug addict, and he’s going to be releasing them to the media next week. According to the NY Daily News

“I have proof that Dina has told me Lindsay is on death’s doorstep, that she doesn’t have much time left. There have been frantic calls. And I’m going to prove that Dina is the liar, not me.”

The whole world is about to hear it: A source confirms that Michael is set to air the numerous voice-mail messages she’s left on Monday’s “Entertainment Tonight.”

“She has expressed to me that Lindsay is in dire, dire need of an intervention,” Michael said. “My lawyers told me to keep every single conversation – and I did.”

Who exactly is he trying to convince she’s an addict with all this? It’s not like the rest of the goddamn world doesn’t already know. If he really wants to reach his daughter, blathering on Maury and Entertainment Tonight isn’t going to cut it. He needs to put his message about knee-level in an L.A. nightclub’s men’s bathroom or on the bottom of a bottle of vodka. It’s the only way she’ll ever see it.

Leaving — you guessed it! — an L.A. nightclub last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Since court-ordered paternal conservatorship worked out so well for Britney Spears, Michael Lohan is hoping he’ll be able to rehabilitate daughter Lindsay through the magic of the California legal system. But if the courts won’t give him control of her estate, it’s not going to stop him from saving her the only way he knows how: a class B felony. According to MSNBC

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan [said]. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

Not if Lindsay Lohan gets her way. LiLo plans to file a restraining order to keep her estranged dad far outside of kidnapping range.

“[My ex-wife] Dina is the one that told her to get a restraining order,” Michael Lohan said. “But you know what? I’m still going to try to do everything to get Lindsay better.”

And if kidnapping and forcibly institutionalizing her doesn’t work, he could always hook her up to a car battery and electroshock her straight himself. You don’t win Father of the Year without being a hands-on kind of dad, my father always used to say! Mostly while he was beating us with a roll of seat belt or the bag of oranges he kept in the freezer.

Leaving a hair salon in L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News