Charlie Sheen may be a hedonistic, drug-addicted train wreck, but dad Martin Sheen wants you to know, it’s not his fault! Excuse me while I sob into my hanky. TMZ says,

“He’s an extraordinary man,” Martin says of his son to Sky News, “He’s doing well, we pray for him. If he had cancer, how would you treat him? This disease of addiction is a form of cancer. You have to have an equal measure of concern and love and lift him up.”

I’m sure all the people who have gotten cancer through no fault of their own would love to hear their terrible disease being compared to Charlie’s benders with hookers, alcohol, wild trips to Vegas and suitcases full of blow. The only question is, why isn’t there research being conducted to cure this sad, sad disease? I can just see the commercials asking for funding: Charlie’s drunken, rotten-toothed face passed out and planted in some hooker’s crotch, with a touching Sarah McLachlan track playing over it.  Won’t you help save a life today?

Ashley Greene celebrating her 24th birthday, because I can see toothless old perverts at home for free:

Michael Jackson’s health has reportedly taken a turn for the worse — British tabloids are claiming he is suffering from a rare lung condition that will eventually require an emergency transplant operation. Or as it’s known in Hindu circles, “karma.” The NY Daily News says

New York Times bestselling biographer Ian Halperin [says] Jackson has been diagnosed with Alpha 1-antitrypsin deficiency, an occasionally fatal genetic condition.

“He’s had it for years but it’s gotten worse,” Halperin [said]. “He needs a lung transplant. He also has emphysema and chronic gastrointestinal bleeding.” Jackson “can barely speak” and is having trouble seeing: “The vision in his left eye is 95 percent gone.”

Jackson shocked fans in July when he was photographed in wheelchair. The 50-year-old also received help walking when stepped out in Los Angeles earlier this month wearing a Zorro-style face mask.

Jackson’s rep was unavailable for comment Sunday, but the singer’s brother Jermaine didn’t deny the reports, telling Fox News, “He’s not doing so well right now. This isn’t a good time.”

Is a man still a man if ninety percent of his parts are donor or plastic? And — more importantly — is a man still a man if he is legally a white woman? I’m working on a new angle for my defense.