When you’re faced with jugs this spectacular, the only logical choice is a good ol’ fashioned boob-off. Now, I can’t tell you what a boob-off entails per se, but I assume there’s a lot of baby oil and squeezing and maybe a squirt gun full of cold water. To be honest, no one’s ever accepted my boob-off challenge before. They usually start yelling at me to put my shirt back and threaten to call the cops again. Fucking haters.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

Burlesque star Dita von Teese was one of many D-list celebrities on hand at Lebanese designer Elie Saab’s Spring/Summer 2010 show in Paris yesterday. Saab says of his collection:

For spring, Elie Saab offers an Impressionistic study in transparency and lightness. A slender ingénue awakens in a bed of flowers. Like a pointillist, she dresses by touches, sprinkling lilacs and pastel flowers over veils of lace.

Mother-of-pearl petals, sequin flowers and dewdrop-inspired motifs come together in gradations of powder pink, light Japanese yellow, celadon green and Majorelle blue.

Draped in yellow-brown silk chiffon or subtly textured tea rose, she is a romantic ingénue whose shimmering reflection would make the waterlilies envious. A fleeting vision of a dream.

Ho-ly shit. That may be the gayest thing I’ve ever read in my life. If I actually ever bothered to read anything, that is. No thanks. That’s why God made TV. Suckers!

Sarah’s in tomorrow, so enjoy these heaving milky-white bosoms as a parting gift:

UPDATE: No she’s not. I just forgot what day it was again. Thanks a lot, peyote!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Without her signature overdone red lips and coiffed hair helmet, Gwen Stefani looks ten years younger and like fifty times hotter. Maybe she finally wised up and canned her old hair and makeup guy! Not to worry, though — I’m sure he’ll be able to find work dolling up the ladies at retirement home bridge clubs or painting up homicidal maniacs who just escaped from the Arkham Asylum.

At the Fashion Group International’s 26th Annual Night of Stars last night (with Evan Rachel Wood and Dita von Teese):

Dita Von Teese’s outfit here is pretty, um, ambitious?.  The last time I tried dressing up as Our Lady of Guadalupe was when I got knocked up by the UPS guy and I tried to pass off the pregnancy as divine. Didn’t really fly. Hope things go better for Dita!

I suppose if the other outfit was the virginal Mary, this is…um, the sexy demon of bicycling?

Hardcore video of burlesque queen Dita von Teese cavorting with two scantily-clad females hit the net yesterday, and Wonderbra, who had just chosen Dita to be the face of their lingerie company, is none too happy about it. The Sun says

In one scene the former wife of Marilyn Manson romps with a leggy beauty with a sex toy. The sleazy flick — shot before she rose to fame — will shock lingerie bosses. It is a blow to Wonderbra who only launched her as the new face of their famous push-up bra last month. They hoped Dita would enhance the company’s clean-cut image by designing her own limited edition collection.

Wonderbra declined to comment.

A good rule of thumb, ladies, is whenever you’re naked on film, don’t let the cameras stop rolling until you’ve yelled “They’re holding a gun to my sick grandmother’s head just off screen! I’m doing this against my will!” at least once. That way, when the video is inevitably leaked online, you can spin it as the harrowing tale of a woman overcoming the odds and doing whatever it takes to save the life of her cancer-stricken Gam-Gam instead of the shameful escapades of a drunken freshman slutting it up with two of her sorority sisters and while most of Sigma Chi watches. Trust me, you’re gonna thank me later for this.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Sun may have made this out to be a little more shocking than it actually is, because apparently the clip is classic fetish Dita from Andrew Blake’s Pinups 2, which Dita (NSFW) actually sells on her own website. Gasp!

See a clip of th INCREDIBLY NSFW video here here.

LSFW body paint shots: