After the announcement last July that their marriage was over, Marc Anthony finally filed for divorce from Jennifer Lopez. Yes, there’s nothing like your estranged wife dousing herself and her boy toy in glitter and grinding together to let you know it’s really over. Says Digital Spy,

Anthony filed papers at LA County Superior Court on April 9 citing “irreconcilable differences”, TMZ reports.

The salsa performer, who did not disclose the exact date of his split with the American Idol judge, is asking for joint legal and physical custody of the pair’s 4-year-old twins Emme and Max.

He has also requested that the judge dismiss any potential claim for spousal support from Lopez.

Despite what young adult fantasy romance novels will tell you, it just doesn’t work out between the living and the undead.

Emma Watson on the set of “The Bling Ring”, because she’s neither the undead nor desperately nearing middle-age:

The plot thickens in the Kris Humphries / Kim Kardashian divorce proceedings! And by “plot thickens”, I mean, “they just won’t get it over with and go away”. Says New York Post,

Kris Humphries is refusing to divorce Kim Kardashian unless she gives him a “public apology” and admits “the entire wedding was staged by her and her family.”

Sources tell us Nets star Humphries is holding back on a divorce settlement with the reality raven and even turned down a $7 million offer from her to “shut up and go away.”

A friend of Humphries told us, “Kim’s camp is depicting him as money-hungry, but in fact he turned down a $7 million settlement. Her camp is putting out stories about ‘Kim’s divorce hell’ hoping he’ll cave in, but he won’t.

“Kris wants Kim to admit to fraud, to admit the whole thing was staged for publicity, to make a public apology to him because he really wanted a marriage,” our insider said.

Humphries and his camp are furious at what they claim is a campaign by Team Kim to attack him in the press. One friend added, “They are trying to spin Kim as the victim, but Kris isn’t going to stand for it.”

The divorce has been stalled because Humphries took the unusual step of filing for an annulment based on fraud. He is also demanding Kim reveal how much she earned during their 72-day marriage, claiming she hasn’t given an honest account of the money made from their wedding. According to reports, Kris has complied with turning over his bank records and credit-card statements, but Kim so far has not.

Our source added Kris is particularly keen to disprove Kim and her mother Kris Jenner’s claims that they didn’t profit off the wedding.

But a source close to Kim insists she never offered him $7 million and is not attacking him in the press, because “she just wants to move on.”

If (ha ha) their marriage was really a sham, and they both were in on it, I think the best thing to do would to get back together. Seriously, think about it. They’re perfect for each other.  I think that’s what drew them together in the first place. It’s a “The narcissism in your soul greets the narcissism in my soul” kind of connection. It’s like true love, only way more profitable.

Kim K at the Valentino Rodeo Drive Flagship Opening in Beverly Hills:

Dennis Quaid can now put a third notch in the ol’ failed marriage belt after his wife of eight years Kimberly Buffington-Quaid filed for divorce earlier this week. And what does Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Cintia Dicker in Men’s Health four months ago have to do with the split? Well, to the untrained eye, nothing. But as a hard-hitting and responsible journalist, I wouldn’t feel right if I left any stone unturned.

Kris Humphries and his attorneys are claiming the above clip of Kim Kardashian professing her marital woes to mother Kris Jenner — which aired in a episode of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” last month — was actually filmed on a soundstage in back December, meaning he now wants an annulment on the grounds that his entire marriage was clearly a big scripted lie. The Daily Mail says:

The scene was presented as having taken place two months before during a business trip the mother and daughter duo took to Dubai in October – just weeks before Kim filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage.

Kim and her mother Kris were spotted leaving a Hollywood TV studio on December 6 with the 31-year-old socialite wearing the same outfit and hairstyle as she does in the scene.

Her mother Kris was photographed following her daughter out of the studio, with an assistant carrying the purple kaftan-style dress she wears in the scene, shot in the back of a limo.

A source [said]: ‘Kris feels that if this is true and the whole conversation was faked, this would help prove that he got married under fraudulent circumstances… yes, this did occur after the marriage, but this is one clear example that could help sway the judge to grant the divorce on the grounds of fraud.’

I tried to get a marriage annulled once, but it turns out “tuck-and-hide” isn’t actually considered fraud under Tennessee state law. But don’t worry — I’m already in the preliminary stages of drafting my own bill to change all that. If we all step up and make our voices heard, together we can make a difference.

Screen caps from Kim’s photo shoot for Esquire:

A year ago, Katy Perry refused to listen to anybody who told her not to marry Russell Brand or make him sign a prenup, because they were in love and a love like theirs lasts forever. Except it didn’t, and now he’s entitled to half of the $44 million she made in 2011. TMZ says:

Everything they earned during their 14-month marriage is community property — which means they’re each entitled to 50% of the pot — so Russell could have scored a fortune if he exercised his community property rights.

But as one source put it, “This divorce is as amicable as it gets… Russell doesn’t want Katy’s money. He’s happy to walk away with the money he earned — which is far less than what Katy raked in.”

Well, I’ll be damned. I figured he would milk that dumb broad for all she’s worth. I wouldn’t have guessed there was a noble bone in Russell Brand’s body, unless “noble bone” was just one of those coy British euphemism meaning “erection.”

Arguably one of the music industry’s prettiest couples, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are said to be rapidly nearing the city limits of Splitsville. Apparently that little business about Gavin frolicking with a cross-dresser is still a sore spot for Gwen. Says Celebrity Fix,

Couples therapy just isn’t cracking it for Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.

According to Star magazine the hot-to-trot pair, who’ve been married 10 years, are well and truly washed up on the rocks, with a source even claiming divorce is now “inevitable.”

The mag reports that Gavin’s ‘dark past and infidelities’ are simply too much for Gwen to handle. Two years into their marriage, it was revealed that the Bush rocker had a secret daughter – Daisy Lowe, now 22 – by his ex-girlfriend, Pearl Lowe, and then in 2008 there was that hoo-ha about Gavin having an affair with a cross-dresser.

Courtney Love has also claimed to having an affair with Gavin while he was married to Gwen.

“Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding,” a source told Star.

“It’s getting harder and harder for her to go through the motions with a man she sometimes feel like she doesn’t even know.”

I could have forgiven Gavin and his pretty face for having an affair that occurred years ago with a cross-dresser. But I draw the line at Courtney Love. Something tells me that that cross-dresser’s bunghole was a hell of a lot more sanitary than Courtney’s puss would ever be. I’d bet that even cockroaches wouldn’t be able to survive her Apocalyptipuss.

Gwen taking the tykes to a birthday party:

TMZ first broke the news over the weekend, but Heidi Klum and Seal confirmed yesterday that they are separating after seven years of marriage and four children together. They said in a statement to People Magazine:

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate.

We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition.

We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.

The first thing that came out of my mouth when I heard this was “WHAT?!” followed promptly by a “WHY?” and then “Who the fuck drank all my bourbon?” The Daily Mail offers some insight into the split, saying:

Heidi Klum is divorcing her husband Seal because of his hard partying.

A source told the Sunday Mirror: ‘When they had their holiday in Ibiza last summer, Seal hit it hard, was out at clubs and with his friends a lot and Heidi was left with their kids trying to enjoy herself. The cracks were appearing and everybody was talking during that trip. He seemed off the rails.’

I have to say, this genuinely surprised and disappointed me. They seemed like they really had it figured out. Sometimes couples just hit a rough patch, I guess. This must have been the first time the rough patch wasn’t just Seal’s face. Seriously, the guy looks like he was put together with a goddamn weed-eater.

Heidi Klum in Digital Magazine before the dark times:

Despite recently reuniting with her husband of sixteen days, it’s not been all sunshine and roses for 45-year-old Sinead O’Connor. In fact, just yesterday she took to Twitter to announce that she was “really unwell” and in need of immediate psychiatric attention. The Daily Mail says:

Taking to the social networking site, the mother-of-four claimed that she was in ‘danger’ if she didn’t receive medicine immediately.

The singer began her series of odd Tweets by claiming that Ireland is a ‘VERY hard place to find help in.’

‘Does any1 know a psychiatrist in dublin or wicklow who could urgently see me today please? im really un-well… and in danger,’ she tweeted to her 5,422 followers.

And just what does Victoria’s Secret Angel Candice Swanepoel in their Spring 2012 swimsuit catalog have to do with Sinead O’Connor? Not a goddamn thing. After that tattoo, I thought you’d already suffered enough.

Even though she’s nominated for a total of seven awards, Katy Perry won’t be at Wednesday’s People’s Choice Awards. Radar Online says:

“Unfortunately I will not be able to attend the People’s Choice Awards. I want to thank u all for voting for me, fingers crossed! #KATYCATS,” the Firework singer tweeted Monday.

[Adding], ‘”Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Some are speculating that the above pic of soon-to-be ex-husband Russell Brand making a big show of removing his wedding band may have sparked her decision not to attend the People’s Choice Awards, while others speculate she won’t be attending because it’s the fucking People’s Choice Awards. Jesus. Even the Grammys mean more than they do.

Sinead O’Connor has perhaps taken over the title of Craziest Bald Lady from Britney Spears. Just short of two weeks of calling off her marriage of 16 days, she’s reunited back in happy magical sparkle land of love with husband/ex-husband Barry Herridge. True love can’t be suppressed, especially if you’re ingesting mass quantities of drugs. Says Celebrity Cafe,

According to Entertainment Weekly, Tuesday night, the “Nothing Compares 2 U” singer tweeted, “Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.” She later explained her situation further by adding, “yay!!! me husband is a big hairy cave man an came to claim me with his club : ) and now im in cave-land.. yay!! we both go panto!”

O’Connor also explained that she should get the “prize for best typo ever” since her original announcement should have read “none other” instead of “nine other.” She also felt the need to attack those who criticized her for going back to Herridge, tweeting, “motheruf—r who dont like it.. so me all happy!! me love me hubby.. he love me… f— who no like it.. God is good!”

The Los Angeles Times reports that when a fan asked her if the tweets meant that she has called off the divorce, she said yes. “Yup that’s wot it means. An I can add to my lingerie collection. Size uk 12 btw for anyone wanting to send any. 36b. : ),” she wrote.

Then she thumped her chest, said “Sinead drugs goood! Make Sinead have happy! Go now, have sex with hubby!” and dragged her struggling mate into her tree where she repeatedly sodomized him with various vegetables. Okay, maybe that’s not what exactly happened, but judging from her present state of mind, it’s really not a long shot.

Only slightly less disturbing than a bald, fat Sinead O’Connor is a blonde, fat Christina Aguilera:

In addition to telling Katy Perry that she wasn’t funny on SNL, Russell Brand also mocked her parents for their faith. Because, you know, I’m sure there were no signs before they got married that there might be an issue there. Going into a marriage with your eyes open is so overrated. Says Digital Spy,

Katy Perry reportedly begun to reconsider her marriage to Russell Brand after he mocked her deeply religious parents.

The ‘Teenage Dream’ singer separated from Brand in late December after a 14-month union.

It has since been alleged that the controversial comedian caused upset by failing to rein himself in around pastors Keith and Mary Hudson.

“Russ was forever making lewd jokes at the dinner table and poking fun at her parents’ beliefs,” a friend told The Sun. “He managed to restrain himself in the beginning – just.

“But as the marriage progressed, he got worse and kept winding up her family. After the lust wore off, reality hit home about their differences and [Katy] was left thinking, ‘What have I done?’”

Perry reportedly asked Brand to file for divorce so she would not upset her devout parents.

The Hudsons recently urged Perry’s fans to find a relationship with God, stating that they were “worshipping and loving the wrong person”.

Because rising to fame on the power of your bouncing tits and sexually provocative image is totally in line with their Christian faith. In Katy Perry’s version of things, Jesus was tossing shekels at the harlots he hung out with and bar crawling with the 12 disciples.

Happier times at her birthday party in November:

Besides the accusations of wheelchair porn and sex addiction, “insiders” close to Katy Perry claim that her soon-to-be-ex-husband Russell Brand was often less than supportive of her career. Us Magazine says:

When the singer guest-hosted Saturday Night Live, the British comic turned down Perry’s plea to perform in a skit with him.

“He told her that she wasn’t that funny,” an insider says of Perry’s skits parodying Pippa Middleton, Christina Aguilera and others. “That really hurt.”

Good for him. She wasn’t funny. God knows it needed saying. The only reason anyone even tolerated any of her shitty skits was for the tits, so she should shut her mouth and get back in her cage and dance like the metaphorical street monkey she is. Shock and titillate me, woman! I’ve got American dollars!

Promoting her new fragrance Meow — I know, I’m embarrassed for her: