Well, I totally didn’t see this coming. Russell Brand and Katy Perry are calling it quits after a little more than one year together. Granted, in Hollywood years, that’s like the equivalent to at least 5. Says TMZ,

Russell Brand has filed for divorce from Katy Perry … TMZ has learned.

In the docs, filed in L.A., Brand cites “irreconcilable differences.” The two were married Oct. 23, 2010 in India. They have no kids.

The divorce docs say there are “community property assets” — it’s a sign there might not be a prenup, or if there is one it doesn’t cover all of the earnings and other assets they accumulated.

The docs do not give a date the couple separated.

Russell has released a statement, claiming, “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.”

Russell proposed to Katy in India on New Year’s Eve 2009 — nearly two years ago … to the day.

Sources had told TMZ the couple was having problems, evidenced by the fact that they spent Christmas apart and neither was wearing a wedding ring.

Although it’s not 100%, based on what we now know it appears Brand may have blindsided Perry by filing the divorce petition.

Russell appeared on “Ellen” just this month, slamming divorce rumors — claiming, “I’m really happily married … I’m married to Katy. Perpetually, until death do us part was the pledge. I’m still alive.”

So judging from what he said, Russell Brand is now a walker, and the zombie apocalypse is upon us. That’s okay, I’ve been stockpiling rations and guns in my mom’s basement for the past 5 years. I’m good to go.

Kate Moss looking a lot better than she has in a long time:

When she’s not stuffing yams in her pooper or alienating Catholics, Sinead O’Connor stays busy getting married and subsequently divorced — and marriage number four lasted a whopping 16 days. I’ve had periods longer than that. The Daily Mail says:

The 45-year-old singer wrote a message on her official website after fearing the news of her split from Barry Herridge, who she wed on December 8, was about to be leaked.

O’Connor revealed that she and Herridge actually lived together as husband and wife for just seven days before ending their relationship on Christmas Eve, 16 days after their Las Vegas union.

O’Connor told her fans that the pair have parted amicably and said she still loves Herridge ‘very much,’ but that he was too nice ‘to trap.’

O’Connor and Herridge wed at The Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas after just three months of dating.

If anybody gave a shit about Sinead O’Connor, she would have totally stolen the spotlight from Kim Kardashian’s blink-and-you’ll-miss-it marriage, and then Kim would have had to sic the Famewhore Mafia on her. And by “Famewhore Mafia” I mean “Kris Jenner and a team of lawyers waving non-disclosure agreements.”

Good morning peeps! I hope you had a great holiday weekend. If not, STFU, I’m not your goddamned therapist. Guess who else has probably been talking to her therapist a lot? That would be Maria Shriver, who according to TMZ is reconsidering divorcing Arnold Schwarzenegger after all. TMZ says,

Maria Shriver is telling friends she’s now unsure if she wants to divorce Arnold Schwarzenegger … TMZ has learned.

We’re told Maria is torn, partly because of her strong religious beliefs that do not include divorce.

Making matters even more complicated — we’re told Arnold still desperately wants Maria back, and has been “extremely sweet” to her and has made numerous gestures — which include presents — to win Maria back.

Maria filed for divorce on July 1, though she moved out months earlier. She’s already bought a mansion in Brentwood, CA, which she’s in the process of renovating.

Well you can’t really be surprised; she’s a Kennedy. Cheating is like a family tradition for them, no? At family get-togethers the men probably gathered around the table and reminisced about the women they banged. Kind of like my family, except without less teeth and more plaid. Plus, Arnold will have no problem finding a new lady; Maria on the other hand–well, let’s just say that I’m sure someone out there has a thing for women that look like a T-Rex.

Forget about taking the ice cube trays, Jennifer Aniston was advised to ask for Brad Pitt’s sperm as part of her divorce settlement. Well, if she took the ice cube trays and the sperm, she could bypass the sperm donor bank altogether. It’s brilliant! New York Post says,

Top Hollywood agent Sue Mengers gave Jennifer Aniston some plum advice when she split with husband Brad Pitt — ask Pitt for a sperm donation.

Bizarrely, Maureen Dowd delivers this shocking showbiz tidbit in an ode to Mengers, who died this year, in The New York Times Magazine. Dowd recalls, “She was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, ‘We have to close the deal.’ After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.”
Comments like this, as stinging as it may have been to the heartbroken Aniston at the time, were apparently part of Mengers’ nature. The agent — who threw parties attended by Jack Nicholson, Jon Hamm, Tina Fey, Aaron Sorkin, and many others — was known for her brash ideas. She was a close to many stars, including Aniston.

“The first woman to become the Man among Hollywood superagents was full of exhilarating vulgarity,” writes Dowd. “Mengers presided with a devilish wit and an angelic smile, a dirty, flirty girl with devastating timing.”

Presumably, Aniston did not take Mengers’ advice. Instead, she appears to have a more laidback approach to motherhood.

“There’s no desperation,” Aniston told Elle in October. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I’m at peace with whatever the plan is.”

Yeah, yeah, if someone feels they have to tell you they’re not desperate…they’re desperate. Jennifer will be basting a bird this Christmas, but it won’t be a turkey.

Kate Beckinsale in NY Times Magazine is stunningly beautiful:

43-year old Debra Messing announced yesterday that she and her husband of ten years had separated. Oh, come on — it’s Christmas. You can pretend you care. Us Magazine says:

“Debra Messing and Daniel Zelman privately separated earlier this year after a 10 year marriage,” Messing’s rep [said in a statement].

Explains the rep of the separation: “The decision was mutual, and they remain supportive of one another and committed to raising their son as a family.”

Messing and actor/TV producer Zelman, 44, share a 7-year-old son, Roman.

“They have been separated the better part of the year but continue to live together in New York for Roman,” explains the source. “It’s very amicable.”

An amicable mutually-agreed upon parting of the ways in which the couple will still be actively involved in both their child’s and each other’s lives. No need to cling to the edge of seat… I’ll keep you posted on further developments. If there were a font for sarcasm, I would have written this post in it.

Happier times at Bette Midler’s “Hulaween” — that kinda says it all, doesn’t it:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Terrence Howard’s estranged wife Michelle got a restraining order against him this morning after claiming Terrence “constantly beats her and threatens to kill her.” Good thing my dog can’t file restraining orders, then. TMZ says:

Michelle Howard filed court documents claiming Terrence began beating her up just 7 days after they were married in January 2010, [claiming] Howard “slugged me across my face and neck” … and threatened to throw her off a balcony.

Michelle claims the violence continued throughout their marriage — with Terrence allegedly:

– smacking her in the face and chipping her tooth with his wedding ring
– throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot
– telling her, “I’ll hit a woman quicker than I’d hit a man”
– Saying, “If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know
– Screaming, “Bitch, walk home. That’s my car, I pay for it.”

Terrence, of course, vehemently denies the charges, and for what it’s worth, he’s gotta couple of charges of his own:

Terrence filed legal papers… claiming Michelle had been threatening to “release private materials to 3rd parties for her own personal financial gain” unless he paid her money.

Sources connected to the case [said] the material in question includes a video of Howard singing naked in the shower.

I bet we’ll all have a good laugh once everyone realizes the “third party” she’s seeking is America’s Funniest Home Videos. They’re the only people I could ever see having a vested interest in this. Seriously, the only way I’d ever pay to see a video of Terrence Howard singing naked in the shower is if at the end, somebody threw in a couple of ferrets and held the curtain shut.

With his wife in Cannes earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries turned made her a complete laughingstock, Kim Kardashian sicced her “sources” on the tabloids in an attempt to convince the stupid twats that watch her show that she was the real victim in all this. Us Magazine says:

Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider [said]. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening. He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn’t last.”

He even took exception to her world-famous posterior, calling her “fat ass,” the source says.

Well she IS stupid and fat-assed and talentless and her fifteen minutes should have been over two years ago. It’s sad when Kris Humprhies is the smart one in your relationship

Ashton Kutcher got busted cheating with a bunch of skanks and his wife filed for divorce yesterday, but Men’s Health still thinks you’re interested in his relationship advice. Like getting flying tips from the Hindenburg. Radar Online says:

Kutcher’s quotes were made before the split was official.

When asked the best advice that he’d ever gotten, Ashton replied: “I think it’s all about working on the relationship and making it better … when it’s good. Don’t wait for a problem to work on things. The goal is not to get into a relationship; the goal is to be in a relationship.”

Ashton’s final comment could be easily translated as a dig at soon-to-be ex-wife Demi — when asked to finish the sentence, “I could never be with a woman who…”

Kutcher replied, “Wow, that’s tough. I could never be with a woman who felt like she needed to change me.”

Damn those demanding bitches! Always whining about something, I tell you! It’s always, “Quit screwing random whores” this, and “you gave me another STD” that. Ashton deserves a fucking medal for sticking with that shrew for so long.

Rihanna in a photoshoot for her new album, Talk That Talk, because if I wanted to see an unshaven, smarmy face, I’d go look at my husband:

In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, Demi Moore announced that she was ending her six-year marriage to Ashton Kutcher on her Twitter today, saying:

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

“This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.”

Ashton consequently posted:

I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi.

Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK

So I gather Demi didn’t wanna try her hand at STD Russian Roulette this late in the game. Old people take everything so fucking seriously. It’s not like genital warts ever killed anybody. It just, um, grossly disfigured them. There’s a difference.

Kim Kardashian flew to Minnesota to meet with estranged husband Kris Humphries and for the first time since filing for divorce after a mere 72 days together. Page Six says:

Sources confirmed to us that Kim had flown to Kris’ hometown early yesterday to talk to him in the presence of his family pastor Joel Johnson, who married them on Aug. 20.

Kim planned to apologize to Humphries’ family for the damage her marriage drama has done to them. The source close to Kim told us, “Kim feels deeply embarrassed and sad about what happened, and decided . . . to talk things through with Kris . . . She also wants to apologize to Kris’ family for all the drama, media attention and hurt this has caused them. She regrets not calling them to explain before she filed for divorce.”

A friend said, “She feels going to Minnesota to talk is the right thing to do, she is so embarrassed by the way everything turned out. While she accepts people are criticizing her for the lavish wedding, she feels terrible about letting everyone down.”

The source added, “The problem is they are two fundamentally different people. He is younger and has different priorities. They could not even agree on where to live: He wants to be in Minnesota, and she wants to be in LA . . . She is also very hurt that he issued a statement saying he was blindsided by the divorce filing. He knew it was coming; they both knew things weren’t working . . . but some part of Kim also misses Kris, and still wants him to be a part of her life.”

This reeks of some second-rate Speidi fake divorce ratings ploy. Will there be a last minute reconciliation? Will Kim have a change of heart? Did E! film six different endings to this story and then run them over on a focus group who was carefully outfitted with hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of equipment that measures pupil dilation and respiratory rate to scientifically determine which fake ending would yield the most advertising dollars? I guess we’ll have to wait for May sweeps and see!

Looking appropriately contrite at LAX last nite:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Her marriage didn’t make it to the three-month mark, but Kim Kardashian will still be keeping her $2 million engagement ring. And if she keeps it, it means it cost Kris Humprhies roughly $28,000 a day for every day of their sham marriage. The Daily Mail says:

NBA star Kris Humphries was hoping to get the 20.5 carat diamond back from his now estranged wife

However, Kim’s mother and manager Kris Jenner, 55, has nixed the idea.

‘It’s a gift – you keep a gift,’ Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashian clan, told Good Morning America while promoting her new memoir.

She added: ‘I hate an Indian giver.’

See if you can guess if anyone was outraged and offended by her use of the term “Indian giver.”

The phrase, which is considered offensive to American Indians, describes a person who gives a present and later wants it back.

And the comment has enraged many, with a spokesperson for the largest American Indian and Alaska Native organization in the country, The National Congress of American Indians labeling the remark ‘wrong and hurtful’.

If anything’s wrong and hurtful here, it’s the passing off of a two-hour long commercial as a marriage. Also wrong and hurtful: Khloe Kardashian’s face. Jesus. That’s usually kind of face you only make when you’re in the middle of hocking up a loogie.

The whole family touching down at LAX last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Boy, pass out with a bottle of Crown for a few hours, wake up in time for a Simpsons rerun and you miss Kim Kardashian’s entire fucking marriage. It seems Our Lady of the Tinkle filed for divorce from husband of 72-days Kris Humphries this morning, citing “irreconcilable differences.” TMZ says:

Even though the marriage was short, [Kim] is not seeking an annulment. It’s a garden variety divorce, in which Kim cites “irreconcilable differences.”

The date of separation is listed as today, Oct. 31, 2011. According to the docs, Kim wants Kris to foot his own lawyers’ fees and she’ll pay hers. And, she wants the court to reject any move by Kris to get spousal support.

The docs list the length of the marriage as a measly 2 months.

So she stuck it out just long enough for E! to air her stupid wedding special a couple of times. A whole 72 days. It was a complete fucking sham from the get-go, predicated on making more money and higher ratings for everyone involved. This stupid bitch can’t even take a shit without conferring with E! as to which brand of toilet paper gets to purchase the rights to her asshole. Now we just wait and see which of several online legal resources gets to sponsor her divorce.