There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician - accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.

After four years of marriage and two kids, Jennifer Garner has resorted to weekly sessions with a sex therapist to keep the spark alive with husband Ben Affleck. Perhaps anal was out of the question. Star Magazine says

The 37-year-old actress has been spotted several times in recent weeks with noted author and therapist Dr. Holly Hein.

“Jennifer has had some ups and downs with Ben, and she likes to check in with Dr. Hein once in a while,” says a source.

They talk tips on keeping the romance alive and dealing with Ben’s need for attention.

“Jennifer doesn’t want to lose him,” [the source adds]. “She’s in this for the long haul.”

Look, you don’t need fancy therapy and self-help books to keep your marriage interesting. That’s what alcohol and video cameras are for.

Frumping it up over the last two months: