Heather Locker hasn’t had the best couple of years, what with the going to rehab for pain pills, being arrested for a hit and run, getting a DWI, and being forcibly hospitalized by her family, but there are new claims that her engagement to former “Melrose Place” co-star Jack Wagner was called off after things got physical in their front yard. Radar Online says:

“A huge argument erupted [between Heather and Jack] as they insulted each other’s families,” a source exclusively told Star. “As Heather went to her car, Jack lunged at her, trying to grab her. Her reaction was to swing.

“She caught Jack with a right hook across his face, knocking him to the ground.”

The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner’s face was caused in self defense.

The first thing that went through my mind after reading that was “Huh huh… you got your ass kicked by T.J. Hooker. Wuss.” I’m not even gonna waste a good tampon joke on this asswipe. Beavis and Butt-Head wouldn’t stand for it.

My favorite episode of the new season:

Tyler Shields — or “the poor man’s Terry Richardson,” as he’s known to the rest of the world — posted some “controversial” pictures of Glee’s Heather Morrison on his website today. She’s pictured as a 1960′s housewife with a black eye and bound with an iron, but she seems to be enjoying herself and all the implied abuse in the photos. So what do the pictures mean, exactly? Do they glamorize domestic abuse? Are they a metaphor for being beaten down by domesticity? Restrained by socio-cultural mores? Or do they just confirm that above all, Tyler Shields remains a talentless fucking hack? I guess it’s one of those questions for the ages.

Despite surveillance videos that show him drunkenly staggering around a tattoo shop and shoving his wife because he couldn’t remember where he lived, 47-year-old Nicolas Cage will not be charged in connection with his April 16th arrest for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace arrest in New Orleans. Boy, color me surprised. Radar Online says:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg told People. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nic and the matter has been closed.

“We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nic has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

Well, it’s not like they had a slam-dunk case against him or anything. All they had were eye-witnesses, and surveillance videos, and a blood alcohol test, and a mugshot that shows he was too fucked up to open his eyes. You can’t just pull a case out of thin air like that. They’re district attorneys, not magicians!

Nicolas Cage didn’t just shove his wife around the night of his drunken arrest in New Orleans last week — it seems he also found time to drop his 5-year-old son while staggering around and shouting belligerently. And people say you can’t multi-task when you’re drunk! TMZ says:

According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house.

Alice and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

But a witness told cops he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.”

According to the report, “A child abuse detective was notified.”

Cops say they wanted to interview Cage’s son — but Alice wouldn’t let that happen.

Honestly, I’m just surprised that child protective services hasn’t been called to Nic Cage’s home sooner. He named the poor kid Kal-El, for chrissakes. Kal-El. As in Kal-El, Superman’s birth name on his home planet in the DC universe. If that’s not child abuse, I don’t know what fucking is. He could kick his kid in the balls every day of his life and it still wouldn’t be as painful as being named after The Last Son of Krypton.

Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage was arrested in New Orleans late Friday night for assaulting wife Alice Kim after getting so drunk that he couldn’t remember where he lived. Bystanders called the cops after watching him attempt to forcibly drag her down the street to a residence that was not their own. Local police said in a statement:

“Cage and his wife were standing in front of a residence that he insisted was the property the couple was renting.

She disagreed, and Cage grabbed her by the upper arm and pulled her to what he believed was the correct address. The actor then began striking vehicles and later attempted to get into a taxi.

At that point, an officer who had been flagged down by onlookers drove up on the couple and ordered him out of the cab, which prompted Cage to start yelling. The officers subsequently took Cage to Central Lock-up.

The officer [noted] that Cage was heavily intoxicated [and] charged [him] with one count of domestic violence and one count of public drunkenness.

And here I thought Nicolas Cage couldn’t sink any lower than he did with Wicker Man. That mug shot alone is probably worth like seven Captain Corelli’s Mandolins and three Bangkok Dangerouses at least.

Another audio tape of Britney Spears telling her ex-husband Jason Alexander that her new boyfriend Jason Trawick beats her was released today (listen to it here). Radar Online says:

“Why isn’t he in jail baby?” Spears’ ex-husband Jason Alexander is heard asking the 28-year-old on the tape.

Spears responded: “Because I didn’t want the public knowing about it and I didn’t want to file anything, so everyone could find out. So I’ve just left him and changed my number.”

But Britney’s manager Larry Rudolph, who is threatening to sue both Star Magazine (who first broke the story) and Radar (who posted the tapes), went on Access Hollywood last night and stated unequivocally that the tape is a fake. According to TMZ:

The Chairman of the Audio Engineering Society Standards Committee of Forensic Audio [says] the tape was “doctored” to such a severe extent [that] there’s no way to conduct a meaningful voice-recognition test.

The tape has been “stepped on at least 3 times.” With noise reduction, equalization and removal of voice qualities such as natural timbre, sibilance and tonal qualities, it’s impossible to determine whether Britney’s voice is on the tape.

Which sounds pretty convincing… except for this little glitch:

But Alexander, who was married to Spears for 55-hours in 2004, passed a polygraph test.

Seeing as how he passed the lie-detector test, I’d say it’s definitely Britney on the tape… which means there’s definitely some hitting involved. But I have a feeling it’s not your traditional wife-beating kind of hitting. More like a few “get a hold of yourself, woman!” kinda slaps when she starts muttering in a British accent and rummaging around for the #2 guard and the clippers. And maybe a couple of hand smacks when she’s about to touch a hot stove.

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PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Britney Spears’ agent-turned-boyfriend Jason Trawick has been credited with helping turn the pop star’s life around and keep her mentally stable, but there are those who are suggesting he might have been beating the sanity into her this whole time. Those as in Britney herself, in a phone conversation recorded by her ex-husband Jason Alexander and subsequently leaked (listen here) onto the interwebs. Radar Online says:

[In] Star magazine’s audio of Alexander and Britney talking, Britney plainly states that Trawick beat her.

Alexander says: “How’s your problems with your fiancé?”

Britney answers: “That (bleep) is not my fiancé.”

Alexander: “I thought he proposed to you or something at the beach.”

Britney: “Before or after he beat on me?”

The beating is also referenced later in the conversation.

“Britney is in an abusive relationship,” [said] Alexander, who has remained friends with the singer since their 55-hour marriage in 2004. “She told me her life had turned into a nightmare.”

Funny, I didn’t know “Trawick” was an Irish name. There’s usually that O and an apostrophe at the beginning to warn you that they will beat you retarded once they’ve finished that bottle of whiskey. It’s like the rattlesnake’s rattle, except with more vomiting.

Mel Gibson has admitted in court that he struck Oksana Grigorieva in the face while she held their one-year old daughter Lucia, but claims it was only intended to shake her from the hysteria that was endangering their child and that he never struck her with a closed fist. Hey, if that’s good enough for the WWF, well by God, it should be good enough for legal system, too. TMZ says:

According to his declaration, Mel says he and Oksana were having one of their frequent arguments at his Malibu home, when Oksana grabbed Lucia out her of bassinet, brought her right in the middle of the argument and screamed, “Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!”

Oksana “started swinging Lucia erratically in her arms, jerking her body from side to side to keep Lucia out of my reach.”

Mel adds Oksana was “hysterical” and her “rapid movements were causing Lucia’s little body to be flung from one side to the other, her head shaking violently.” Mel says he feared Shaken Baby Syndrome.

Mel says, “I slapped Oksana one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality. I did not slap her hard, I was just trying to shock her so that she would stop screaming, continuing shaking Lucia back and forth.”

In addition to his sworn declaration, dozens of “love texts” Mel sent Oksana have also been entered into evidence. He wrote (via TMZ):

– “This is your capitalist pig landing his jet in Minnesota 4 customs! I have scarcely thought of anything but u since I left London! That is wonderful + sad because you are not near me! I need my little Russian to fill my soul.”

– “If u r up call me my dark eyed beautiful little communist! I miss u + by God, I love you”

– “Smoocherinos all over you!”

– “I love u madly as u can prolly tell by the extent to which fear of losing u can make me irrational.”

– “You conquered the monster in me with your love emanating from your truly beautiful + heart + soul.”

– “This kinda love is like war … I just can’t resist your advance no more.”

Oh, man. Smoocherinos? More like barferinos. Mel should really leave the bard-ing business to Bill Shakespeare and stick to domestic abuse and Jew-hating.

Just two days before publicly announcing the disillusion of her marriage to Jordan Bratman, Christina Aguilera was seen in an L.A. emergency room with a freshly busted lip. Of course, her husband claimed she had “fallen” and landed on her face, but the timing of her injury seems awfully suspect. Radar Online says:

“Christina was bleeding from her mouth and had a busted lip,” a source who saw the couple at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center said. “Jordan told the nurses she had fallen down.”

According to the witness, Aguilera was [also] sporting “bumps and red bruises” along with her bloodied lip.

Adding to the mystery of why the singer needed treatment, on October 12, she was photographed wearing a hat pulled down over her face with what appears to be a small cut below her lower lip.

That is the same day that she and Bratman announced the end of their five-year marriage, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

This might be a snarky gossip blog and all, but don’t expect me to say anything sarcastic here. Domestic violence is never funny. Not until it’s been properly set up in classic one-liner fashion, like “What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, somebody already told her twice!” or “What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? You hit her!” It’s really all in the execution.

Even more damning evidence has been released today in the Mel Gibson abuse allegation scandal, this time in the form of apologetic text messages and eye witness accounts. It seems both Oksana Grigorieva’s mother and one of Mel’s own sons were in the house when Mel decided to hurl a chair through a glass door and shove Oksana while she was holding the baby. Radar Online says:

Oksana was frightened and on the bed holding Lucia [and] tried to cover the baby’s head because she was scared as Mel was losing it.

“Mel grabbed a chair and slammed it into a glass door, which shattered,” the source said. “Oksana said he was literally foaming at the mouth.”

Oksana’s mother was in the house and came running into the room. She saw Mel still screaming as well as the shattered glass.

She quickly left the room and returned with one of Mel’s sons… [who] tried to talk to Mel as she fled the room with the baby.

“But Mel followed Oksana,” the source said. “Oksana said she ran into another bedroom but Mel came in, still screaming and chest bumped her while she held the baby.”

Oksana told authorities that Mel kicked her out of the house and she began to pack, but about a half hour later Mel told her she wasn’t going anywhere [and] demanded an apology.

And it gets even better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) — the text messages he sent her the following day have now been made public:

JANUARY 7, 2010 — 3:25PM

Mel: Oksana, I wasn’t safe for you last night. I spent two hours with a therapist today and have regained some perspective. What I’m telling you know if I am safe & would like to come by and make amends to you, sascha [Oksana's son by Timothy Dalton] and Lucia. I won’t stay just let you say your peace and I’ll say mine. Let me know if it’s alright!

Mel: Or if it’s not.

Mel: Let me know either way.

Mel: Yes or no.

Mel: It’s important that I apologize to sascha before he goes.

Mel: Please respond one way or another.

Oksana: I have two broken front teeth and a concussion. I can not c u today, I’m hurting. U can apologize to Sacha some other time.

Mel. Did you get them fixed yet?

Mel: When can I see you?

Mel: I need to see you this evening & then I promise I’ll leave you alone for as long as you want

Mel: If only for 10 minutes.

Mel: Please.

There’s nothing left to say at this point that I haven’t already said ten times over. He obviously did it, he’s obviously batshit crazy, and he’s an imminent danger to their child any way you slice it. But it’s L.A., the magical land where you spend 14 day in jail instead of three months and you can leave the scene of an accident so long as you’re famous. At best they’ll sentence him to go to his room without any supper so he can think about what he’s done.

And now for some Brooklyn Decker in her underpants to wash that bad taste out of your fist:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one — while Michael Lohan’s fiancée was busy filing a restraining order against him for alleged domestic assault, Michael was releasing secret recordings of phone conversations he had with her to prove she what a f*cking fake using whore gold-digger c*nt bitch she is. Remind me to never move to L.A. Radar Online says:

Kate Major, former magazine reporter and one-time Jon Gosselin gal pal, filed for an order of protection against Lindsay Lohan’s father after she told police he shoved her and kicked her in the face during an argument.

Major has claimed she has photographic evidence and hospital records supporting her version of events after the alleged brawl.

But Lohan turned on Major and threatened retribution against his ex-fiancée the only was he knows how — with audio tapes. The Lohan patriarch said he planned to release [secret] recordings detailing Major’s “legal and personal issues.”

“Because of Kate’s behavior and false claims, I am going to release a statement and only the first of many pictures of Kate (obliterated) as well as the first of multiple recordings,” Lohan [said].

[In return], Major’s camp is suggesting Lohan, a sobriety campaigner and the chief critic of Lindsay’s battles with booze and drugs, has fallen of the wagon. “He tried to hide the drinking,” said one of Major’s pals.

This is a little shocking, because you’d think a man who’d wear a mesh t-shirt out in public would be able to handle personal issues with dignity and poise. Nothing says responsibility like open-weave marquisette polyester. That’s why I wear my fishnet pants to all job interviews and PTA functions.

The actor who played Steve Urkel on “Family Matters” is currently under investigation for domestic assault. You might wanna ahead go and get the “Did I do thaaaaaat?” out of your system right now, because I’m not having it. TMZ says

Jaleel White’s baby mama Bridget Hardy filed a report with the LAPD Tuesday [claiming] White punched her in one of her breast implants while they were driving on Pacific Coast Highway two weeks ago with an infant in the car. She claims when they got home, White slapped her and pushed her into a toilet so hard it broke the tank.

A rep for Jaleel [says], “There was absolutely no battery … no abuse … and the incident never happened. This is just a ploy in an ongoing custody battle over their young daughter to tarnish his name.”

I don’t know what’s more shocking — that none of Waldo Geraldo Faldo’s hijinx were involved, or that the guy who played Steve Urkel still has a rep. Anyway, I just hope Jaleel has an airtight alibi for the night in question. Something along the lines of “It couldn’t have been me, because I was with Mel Gibson the whole time.”