Stop me if you’ve heard this one — while Michael Lohan’s fiancée was busy filing a restraining order against him for alleged domestic assault, Michael was releasing secret recordings of phone conversations he had with her to prove she what a f*cking fake using whore gold-digger c*nt bitch she is. Remind me to never move to L.A. Radar Online says:

Kate Major, former magazine reporter and one-time Jon Gosselin gal pal, filed for an order of protection against Lindsay Lohan’s father after she told police he shoved her and kicked her in the face during an argument.

Major has claimed she has photographic evidence and hospital records supporting her version of events after the alleged brawl.

But Lohan turned on Major and threatened retribution against his ex-fiancée the only was he knows how — with audio tapes. The Lohan patriarch said he planned to release [secret] recordings detailing Major’s “legal and personal issues.”

“Because of Kate’s behavior and false claims, I am going to release a statement and only the first of many pictures of Kate (obliterated) as well as the first of multiple recordings,” Lohan [said].

[In return], Major’s camp is suggesting Lohan, a sobriety campaigner and the chief critic of Lindsay’s battles with booze and drugs, has fallen of the wagon. “He tried to hide the drinking,” said one of Major’s pals.

This is a little shocking, because you’d think a man who’d wear a mesh t-shirt out in public would be able to handle personal issues with dignity and poise. Nothing says responsibility like open-weave marquisette polyester. That’s why I wear my fishnet pants to all job interviews and PTA functions.

The actor who played Steve Urkel on “Family Matters” is currently under investigation for domestic assault. You might wanna ahead go and get the “Did I do thaaaaaat?” out of your system right now, because I’m not having it. TMZ says

Jaleel White’s baby mama Bridget Hardy filed a report with the LAPD Tuesday [claiming] White punched her in one of her breast implants while they were driving on Pacific Coast Highway two weeks ago with an infant in the car. She claims when they got home, White slapped her and pushed her into a toilet so hard it broke the tank.

A rep for Jaleel [says], “There was absolutely no battery … no abuse … and the incident never happened. This is just a ploy in an ongoing custody battle over their young daughter to tarnish his name.”

I don’t know what’s more shocking — that none of Waldo Geraldo Faldo’s hijinx were involved, or that the guy who played Steve Urkel still has a rep. Anyway, I just hope Jaleel has an airtight alibi for the night in question. Something along the lines of “It couldn’t have been me, because I was with Mel Gibson the whole time.”

More details emerged over the weekend regarding Mel Gibson’s recent domestic abuse allegations — former mistress Oksana Grigorieva claims that he punched her in the face, knocked out her teeth and gave her a concussion in January of this year. She probably allowed a Jew to make eye contact or something. We all know how much Mel hates that. According to TMZ

A source connected with Oksana says, “She tried to protect the baby during one of Gibson’s violent episodes when he punched Oksana in the face two times, breaking her teeth and giving her a concussion. She regrets having believed in his empty promises to obtain professional help to control his violent nature.”

Sources connected with Gibson [claim] the actor did not get violent with Oksana during their January 6 confrontation, although they admit things did get physical.

Mel’s camp is trying to paint this as the machinations of a gold-digging hussy who just wants to line her pockets with more collagen, but unfortunately for him, there’s secret video of it happening. TMZ says

During the hearing, it came out that Oksana had secretly taped arguments she had with Mel. The judge ordered the tapes sealed and also ordered Oksana not to talk publicly about the recordings.

I just can’t believe he fell for something so obvious. Breaking up your marriage and “forgetting” to take the pill, then secretly videotaping you whaling on her like a Chinese soldier in Tiananmen Square is the oldest trick in the Gold-Digging Hussery Book. I thought everybody knew that. You might wanna go ahead and sign over your balls, because that grasp she has on them is only going to get tighter and more vise-like. Check and mate, Mr. Gibson.

I remember Jenna Jameson accusing husband Tito Ortiz of beating her like it was yesterday. But really, it was more like two weeks ago. A lot can happen in two weeks. Like the entire lifespan of a Monarch butterfly, for example. The Dow Jones Industrial Average could rise and fall 1,000 points. Your sour cream could expire. My point is, two weeks is practically an eternity. I just hope the Domestic Relations Courts see it that way when they realize he’s violating the restraining order she took out against him.

One the beach in L.A. with their twins (15 more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Even though Jenna Jameson claims that she has two torn ligaments after boyfriend Tito Ortiz’ alleged abuse yesterday, she still wants to get back together with him and live happily ever after in the house that methamphetamines built. Radar Online says

She said, “All I know is I’m in love with Tito and I hope to work it out. I’m devastated. I miss Tito.

I think couples therapy is highly imperative in this case. He hasn’t apologized yet because he’s not allowed to contact me, but I know he’s willing to work on it. He’s dealing with a lot right now, but he needs to learn to deal with it in a different way.”

But her story has started to unravel like a stripper’s g-string after a yeast infection — first, she told photographers that he didn’t beat her (video here), but a few hours later she decided he did, in fact, beat her (video here). According to TMZ

When we first saw Jenna last night — around 8 PM — she adamantly stated that Tito did not lay a hand on her.

But a few hours later — around 10 PM — the story had changed, and Jenna repeatedly referred to Tito as a “wife beater.”

So what happened in the time span between her stories? Well, one minor thing — around 9:30 PM — Tito held a press conference in which he insinuated that Jenna’s injuries were the result of her alleged addiction to OxyContin

When confronted with the discrepancies between her two stories, Jenna reportedly yelled, “Yeah? Well, it takes one to know one, cocksucker!” before she flashed her tits and started crying hysterically, then side-stepped into a parked car and vomited on its hood. No, wait… actually, that might have been me. Once the arresting officer gives his official statement I’ll get back to you ASAP.

MMA fighter Tito Ortiz was taken to jail last night after being arrested for felony domestic violence involving girlfriend Jenna Jameson. I guess a porn star’s life isn’t always the fairytale you’d think it’d be. TMZ says

Jenna Jameson claims Tito Ortiz got very violent — throwing and injuring her.

Jenna claims that during an argument Monday morning she, “said something very hurtful to his ego.” She alleges that Tito then grabbed her and, “threw me into the bathtub and tore two ligaments in my shoulder.”

Tito’s attorney strongly denies that, saying … “He did not put his hands on her, he did not hit her, he did not do anything to her.”

Tito claims he only confronted her about the narcotics he found in her pants pocket when she had an “emotional meltdown.” His version:

Tito Ortiz claims that Jenna Jameson is addicted to Oxycontin — and that’s what led to the alleged domestic violence.

Jenna’s been battling addiction to the painkiller for more than a year now, and that Tito and family members have been protecting her. Jenna had a relapse and that Tito confronted her about the drugs he found.

Tito was very choked up when he said he hopes “Jenna will be okay.”

[Ortiz' attorney] says Jenna has been to rehab, and that her addiction has led to multiple suicide calls to 911.

It’s easy to mistake losing your balance and headlonging it into a tub for domestic physical assault when you’re high on opioids. It’s also easy to mistake being forcibly restrained with handcuffs for an amorous embrace that should be reciprocated with aggressive sexual advances. That’s why I never tongue-kiss or grab the wiener of anyone with a uniform and a gun anymore, no matter how tightly they might have been holding me.

Apparently multiple contusions and death threats aren’t enough to keep true love apart — Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together again. According to People Magazine

The pair have reunited almost three weeks after Brown, 19, allegedly battered the singer. The on-again couple are currently spending time together at one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’s homes.

Adds a source: “While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened, he is really happy to be with the woman he loves. They’ve reached out to each other.”

Funny story: When Chris initially “reached out” to her, Rihanna’s first instinct was to cover her head with her forearms and cower in a little ball on the ground. But I’m sure they all had a good laugh about it once she realized he wasn’t going to beat her within an inch of her life this time.

P.S. It seems Chris Brown can’t be within three feet of a girl without wanting to give her a knuckle sandwich (again here).

Following rumors of constant fighting and an impending divorce, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have now taken to waling on each other like a couple of Dale, Jr. fans in a double wide trailer. Viva el amor! Star Magazine quotes a source as saying

“They love hard; they fight hard — and that has led to pushing and shoving. They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It’s been war in their house! [Marc] can be really mean. He’s a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things.”

What triggers these blowups? A number of things — from various women calling their home to speak with Marc to his comments about Jennifer’s “chubby” post-baby body.

Jesus, enough already. We get it. You’re a fiery Latina with eh-strong Puertorriquena eh-spirit and a passion for living. What’s next, a tear drop tattoo under your left eye and tagging the overpass under the Santa Ana Freeway? Get arrested for shoplifting from Wal-Mart and you’ve hit every goddamn cliché in the book.

Eh-shopping at Victoria’s eh-Secret: