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Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael was arrested last night after beating up his new girlfriend. TMZ says:

Lohan’s girlfriend filed a report with the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department claiming they got into an argument that turned physical… and she had some visible marking from the alleged incident.

Cops went out and tracked down Lohan — and arrested him on suspicion of domestic violence.

Lohan will be charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment, preventing the reporting of victimization.

I hope his girlfriend got a couple of slaps in for his jeans being so goddamn tight. Seriously, what the hell? And don’t lets forget the understated elegance and panache that a muscle shirt brings to the table. It’s a look only an out-of-work porn star circa 1982 could love.

Lindsay at JFK with her mother last week:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen mugshot

Salut, mes porcelets!  It’s Sarah.  As Sonya told you last week, Abby’s on vacation until after New Year’s and I’ll be with you until then.  Are you excited?  Well don’t be, because so far today is seriously the most boring thing in the entire universe.  There is absolutely nothing of any interest going on, so I guess that means we have to talk about how Charlie Sheen got arrested on Christmas morning in Aspen.  I know nobody really gives a shit about Charlie Sheen, but he used to be kinda famous so I guess this technically counts as news.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen and his wife, Brooke Whatsherface (that’s her legal name), were staying in a rented house in Aspen for Christmas, and at 11am Sheen was arrested on charges of felony second-degree assault, felony menacing, and misdemeanor criminal mischief.  Incidentally, what the HELL is “felony menacing”?  Is that, like, inappropriate scowling?  To an illegal degree, apparently?  I can only hope that somewhere in the police report are the words, “Subject was skulking and hulking at a felony level.”

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen got arrested for pushing his wife around.  There’s really no more to this story, but if you’re clinically retarded enough to be super interested in the most boring crazy person on earth, you can read more about Charlie Sheen’s arrest on Radar Online.

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Following rumors of constant fighting and an impending divorce, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have now taken to waling on each other like a couple of Dale, Jr. fans in a double wide trailer. Viva el amor! Star Magazine quotes a source as saying

“They love hard; they fight hard — and that has led to pushing and shoving. They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It’s been war in their house! [Marc] can be really mean. He’s a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things.”

What triggers these blowups? A number of things — from various women calling their home to speak with Marc to his comments about Jennifer’s “chubby” post-baby body.

Jesus, enough already. We get it. You’re a fiery Latina with eh-strong Puertorriquena eh-spirit and a passion for living. What’s next, a tear drop tattoo under your left eye and tagging the overpass under the Santa Ana Freeway? Get arrested for shoplifting from Wal-Mart and you’ve hit every goddamn cliché in the book.

Eh-shopping at Victoria’s eh-Secret:

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