Despite displaying no talent for it whatsoever (and maxing out her credit cards to pay for it), Lindsay Lohan is all about high fashion and design. She has it in her head that she’s some kind of Edie Sedgwick-esque style icon on the cutting edge of couture that dozens are dying to emulate. The reality is she’s a leather-faced old bat with all the sophisticated stylings of a forcibly-retired day-shift stripper. Case in point: the Cynthia Rowley show Friday night. New York Magazine says:

Right before the lights went down, a platinum-and-orange waif in tiny trousers, massive shades, and hypnotically puffy lips burst forth from backstage, hustling to a front-row seat with ruthless efficiency (and several security guards). For one glorious, confusing moment, we — and, we later learned, everyone in the rows around us — thought this walking creamsicle had to be Donatella Versace.

Then, the entire room full of journalists sat ramrod straight and let out excited, disbelieving, four-letter expletives as we all realized this was actually Lindsay Freaking Lohan. We then simultaneously commenced trying to figure out if she was wearing pants. (They were shorts. Small ones. Very, very small ones.)

The take-home here for Lindsay should be that we all initially mistook her for somebody much crispier who is thirty years her senior, but we suspect she will gloss over that part and focus only on how fast the crowd whipped out their smartphones and overloaded AT&T service. One photographer even went so far as to walk down onto the runway — which we’d been expressly forbidden to do, given that it was mirrored — and get in her face to take a photo, prompting event organizers to confiscate both his camera (which looked more expensive than her extensions) and his credentials, which they ripped from his neck with soap-operatic verve.

The room applauded, led by Lindsay herself.

Have you seen Donatella Versace lately? You don’t normally look like that unless you’ve spent the last four thousand years inside a sarcophagus. Lindsay’s thirty years younger than her and to the best of my knowledge, has NOT already been embalmed. Not unless they’ve recently replaced formaldehyde with a proprietary blend of alcohol, schedule II stimulants and semen and just forgot to tell me.

Heading to the show in her sleeveless blazer and pleated leather shorts:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

No, that’s not the corpse kdjf:krherga that Jack Nicholson finds in the tub in “The Shining” — it’s fashion designer mrt;dkfj Donatella Versace on holiday in St. Barts. The Daily Mail says

The 53-year-old’s… love of sunbathing has taken a heavy toll on her skin, which appears to be deeply wrinkled and loose on her emaciated frame. She has also desperately clung to her long platinum blonde hair despite it making her appear much older.

Please forgive me if there are kdfaj;kdj a couple of typos in this xcdj;joi post. I had no alternative but to gouge out my eyes with a pair of kitchen lksdjfja; scissors after seeing those pictures. And now to the Wild Turkey to kjeiwi gouge out my mind’s eye! Away!

Launching the new line of Versace Menswear at Barneys in New York: