I’m going to do things a little backwards today and start with the S.S. because the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was last night, and it’s the best thing you’re gonna see all day. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here. Kinda like my life for the last fifteen years.

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page so you can abuse it all weekend. You’re welcome!

Ana Beatriz Barros, Selita Ebanks, Erin Heatherton and Isabel Goulart after the jump.

Heidi Klum:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

Miranda Kerr:

Marisa Miller and Doutzen Kroes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Victoria’s Secret Supermodel Doutzen Kroes gets completely naked in V-Man #13 Magazine, which I’ve never heard of before but clearly merits an annual subscription. See, it’s numbered like a comic book (score), and it’s filled with pictures of completely naked unattainable women. Looks like someone finally did something with my Audio Visual Club’s suggestion box! Be on the lookout for Storm Trooper helmets roomy enough for my headgear any day now.

NSFW unless your boss is down with nipples:

Victoria’s Secret supermodel Doutzen Kroes did a quick deck-change during a photoshoot, revealing a completely see-through bra. Rowr. I approve. I like my bras just like I like my jet packs and magic cloaks — practically invisible. Unfortunately, the don’t make 42 triple E’s in anything other than industrial strength nylon and neoprene with polyester accents. I guess nobody wants to see nipples the size of dinner plates unless they absolutely have to.

Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whore Kim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals

The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.

There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.

Make way for genetic superiority:

The Victoria’s Secret Angels strutted their stuff down the catwalk at a lavish show the newly-renovated Fontainebleau hotel in Miami this past weekend. There were the requisite feathers, the elaborate costuming, the diamond brassieres, and oh, yes — the boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies. I sure hope none of you girls out there woke up feeling good about yourselves today! Nothing’s a better antidote for self-affirmation and esteem like 800 pictures of the world’s most perfect bodies. If it makes you feel any better, angel Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button (close up here). They have to photoshop one on her in shoots. Disgusting freak. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me now, I have some cutting and purging to do. Laxatives don’t just ingest themselves, you know!

Doutzen Kroes is a Dutch model who is the newest Victoria’s Secret Angel.  Here she is on the beach with her boyfriend.  I thought Victoria’s Secret Angels were supposed to be super hot?  She has a nice body, but I don’t understand the mess that’s going on in her head space.  Maybe these are just unflattering pictures.  Or maybe she ate something she was allergic to, and some anaphylactic badness happened to her face.  Does she always look like this?  I mean, I’ve heard of her, and I’m sure I must have seen pictures of her before, but I don’t really remember because I don’t care.  I guess what I’m saying is that I hope Victoria’s Secret has allowed a nice cushion in their budget for airbrushing this year.