After fourteen years and two children together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly calling it quits. People Magazine says:

Multiple sources [claim] that the relationship is all but officially finished.

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.

In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

Man, that IS sad. But you know what isn’t sad? Behind-the-scenes pictures from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But then you know what’s sad again? The pictures are slightly out-of-focus because some faggot at GQ thought he was being “artsy.” I don’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I can stand.

Lily Aldridge, Candice Swanepoel, Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Kroes and Isabel Goulart in the February issue of GQ:

In case it wasn’t clear just how completely unattainable she was, Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes is now going to outer space. One time I did PCP and fell in a well, which is about as close as you and I will ever get to exploring the cosmos. The Daily Mail says:

The supermodel will board the first Dutch commercial flight to space in 2014 as part of a charity initiative.

Working for the HIV and AIDS awareness group dance4life, Kroes will join 14 other passengers including DJ Armin van Buuren and Martin Schroder on the trip – with an extra ticket available to buy at auction.

Boy, life sure sounds fun for the rich and beautiful. Constant adulation from an adoring public, lots of little teacup unicorn-giraffe hybrids frolicking about, complete immunity from any and all legal prosecution, and now trips to outer fucking space. Well, I hope they get sucked into a black hole and come out on the other side where the ugly and the poor rule the masses and bleed the genetically-blessed and financially-savvy dry. In other words, the United States in about ten years. Thanks, Obamacare!

Sure, you could find a ton of pictures of Doutzen Kroes in a bikini that are much better than these, but those pics won’t have that “young mother blissfully unaware of the pervert weirdo violating his restraining order by taking photos of her from a bush behind her property” factor. These do.

In Miami with her new baby and her husband:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

If this were American Vogue, I’d assume they were going for a tongue-in-cheek Eurotrash vibe in this spread with Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes. But it’s not American Vogue. It’s Russian Vogue. Therefore it is safe to say the Festrunk brothers don’t just cruise and swing successfully in tight slacks — they also design their very own line of Eastern Bloc swimming suits and accessories.

In case one of you pretentious asswipes wants to make some snide comment about my cultural acumen, you should know that all the -vokia’s and -vanias count as Russia as far as I’m concerned, because I’m American:

I know you’re as sick of hearing about Tiger as I am of writing about Tiger, so here’s a little change-of-pace palate cleanser for you: Victoria’s Secret Angels Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Kroes, and Candice Swanepoel frolicking on the beach in bikinis. I may not have a beard or a red suit, but sometimes a faint mustache and forty extra pounds are all you need to be Santa. So Merry Christmas, jerk offs!

More Yuletide cheer after the jump.

Candice Swanepoel:

Doutzen Kroes:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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I’m going to do things a little backwards today and start with the S.S. because the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was last night, and it’s the best thing you’re gonna see all day. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here. Kinda like my life for the last fifteen years.

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page so you can abuse it all weekend. You’re welcome!

Ana Beatriz Barros, Selita Ebanks, Erin Heatherton and Isabel Goulart after the jump.

Heidi Klum:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

Miranda Kerr:

Marisa Miller and Doutzen Kroes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Victoria’s Secret Supermodel Doutzen Kroes gets completely naked in V-Man #13 Magazine, which I’ve never heard of before but clearly merits an annual subscription. See, it’s numbered like a comic book (score), and it’s filled with pictures of completely naked unattainable women. Looks like someone finally did something with my Audio Visual Club’s suggestion box! Be on the lookout for Storm Trooper helmets roomy enough for my headgear any day now.

NSFW unless your boss is down with nipples:

Victoria’s Secret supermodel Doutzen Kroes did a quick deck-change during a photoshoot, revealing a completely see-through bra. Rowr. I approve. I like my bras just like I like my jet packs and magic cloaks — practically invisible. Unfortunately, the don’t make 42 triple E’s in anything other than industrial strength nylon and neoprene with polyester accents. I guess nobody wants to see nipples the size of dinner plates unless they absolutely have to.

Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whore Kim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals

The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.

There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.

Make way for genetic superiority:

The Victoria’s Secret Angels strutted their stuff down the catwalk at a lavish show the newly-renovated Fontainebleau hotel in Miami this past weekend. There were the requisite feathers, the elaborate costuming, the diamond brassieres, and oh, yes — the boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies. I sure hope none of you girls out there woke up feeling good about yourselves today! Nothing’s a better antidote for self-affirmation and esteem like 800 pictures of the world’s most perfect bodies. If it makes you feel any better, angel Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button (close up here). They have to photoshop one on her in shoots. Disgusting freak. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me now, I have some cutting and purging to do. Laxatives don’t just ingest themselves, you know!

Doutzen Kroes is a Dutch model who is the newest Victoria’s Secret Angel.  Here she is on the beach with her boyfriend.  I thought Victoria’s Secret Angels were supposed to be super hot?  She has a nice body, but I don’t understand the mess that’s going on in her head space.  Maybe these are just unflattering pictures.  Or maybe she ate something she was allergic to, and some anaphylactic badness happened to her face.  Does she always look like this?  I mean, I’ve heard of her, and I’m sure I must have seen pictures of her before, but I don’t really remember because I don’t care.  I guess what I’m saying is that I hope Victoria’s Secret has allowed a nice cushion in their budget for airbrushing this year.