Dr. Phil officially pledged his eternal soul to Satan this weekend after sending a production assistant to Florida to bail out the ringleader of a group of six girls who beat a classmate for an hour and then posted the video footage on YouTube. Dr. Phil & Company ponied up a whopping thirty grand to the Polk County Sheriff’s office for exclusive rights to Mercades Nichols, who is currently staring down kidnapping, battery and witness tampering charges. By the way, the girl beaten unconscious in the video was hospitalized for a concussion, damage to her left eye, and partial loss of hearing in her left ear. Can you smell the ratings from here? Of course, now that the media’s gotten a hold of it, Dr. Phil doesn’t want any credit for it. MSNBC reports

The “Dr. Phil” show issued a statement saying “certain staff members went beyond our guidelines (re: the bail being paid),” but a source close to the production fears that this incident could be the final straw for the show.

“It’s getting desperate behind the scenes. Dr. Phil is so demanding, and there’s a feeling anyone will do anything for the get,” said a source. “People don’t trust him like they used to. The… incident [is] beyond embarrassing for the entire show. How do you bounce back from this?”

You don’t “bounce back.” You draw the symbol of Baphomet in the dirt, drink the blood of a virgin and recite the Enochian chants during a full moon on Walpurgisnacht. Really, it’s the only shot he’s got.

Dr. Phil McGraw showed up Cedars-Sinai Saturday morning to counsel the recently hospitalized Britney Spears. And I meant “counsel” in the literal form of the word, from the Latin consilium meaning “try to capitalize on others’ misfortunes and then exploit them for ratings.” Maslow and Jung can kiss his big Texan ass! According to People magazine

In a statement to Entertainment Tonight, McGraw said: “My meeting with Britney and some family members this morning in at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention. She was released moments before my arrival and was packing when I entered the room. We visited for about an hour before I walked with her to her car.”

Dr. Phil is devoting his Monday taping to the pop star’s problems. The show will air [Tuesday].

But it seems that nobody alerted Britney to his impending arrival, and she didn’t so much “chat with him” as “completely ignore him as he chased behind her still running his flap.” According to TMZ

Cedars Sinai Medical Center let Dr. Phil go up to Britney Spears’ room without her prior knowledge or consent. Britney had no idea Dr. Phil was coming to her room and indeed when he walked in she became agitated and walked out. The show wanted to book Brit for a TV intervention that is being taped on Monday. We’re told she wants nothing to do with it, and the show will not have her on.

Who, oh, who could have possibly orchestrated this, then? Did you guess “the same woman who sold out her other teenage daughter’s illegitimate pregnancy to the tabloids?” Well, you’d be right!

We’re also told Brit’s parents, who wanted Dr. Phil to visit Britney, had agreed at least initially to be on the program.

It takes a special woman to knowingly shove her children down the gullet of the Great Satan and then wait for him to start shitting dollar bills. It also takes a special woman to wander the parking lot of the Phillips 66 in a mesh tube top and offer head to the next syphilitic trucker she sees for a finsky and a smoke. Coincidence? Find out on Tuesday’s all-new Dr. Phil!