It’s usually Sofia Vergara’s rack that gets all the attention, but I’d like to point out that she also has a magnificent derrière. Mostly because I just wanted to say “derrière.”

I hated the dress that Angelina Jolie wore to the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night — it looks like a “Project Runway” challenge with Hefty bags — but you just can’t escape her smoldering beauty or not get lost in her eyes. If only she’d worn Lea Michele’s dress instead. Fortunately, my mad photoshop skillz and I have already set about rectifying that situation. I don’t like to brag, but that only took me fifteen minutes. Plenty more where that came from, baby!

If you care about the winners, click here:

I appreciate the whole see-through thing Blake Lively was going for at last night’s 100th Episode Celebration of “Gossip Girl” (really? a hundred?), but that dress is just awful. The only way you’re pulling off a see-through aquatic-themed tasseled gown is if you’re name is Johnny Weir.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You can never have enough rhinestones or titty freckles at an evening wedding, so this demure ensemble was the perfect choice for Lindsay Lohan to wear to Kim Kardashian’s nuptials this weekend. Plus the draping around the chest is perfect for catching any tequila that misses your mouth when you’re pounding shots at the bar. Radar Online says:

Lindsay wore a low cut Marilyn-style dress with crystal detail in the back. Her blonde hair was styled in a dramatic upsweep.

“She was drinking and partying hard,” insider said. “I saw her order shots from the bar.”

Although still on probation, with community service and counseling requirements to be met, Lindsay has no restrictions on drinking and she was not driving.

I was sure that dress came directly out of the evening wear section of a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog, but it’s actually the same Temperly dress that Pippa Middleton wore the evening of her sister’s wedding to Prince William. It’s amazing what a few self-tanning armpit stains and lack of underwear can do to make a look all your own.

Kim Kardashian the day before her wedding:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Love Hewitt seriously needs someone to sit her down and explain body types to her and what’s flattering and what NOT to wear. Example: If you’re pear/hourglass shaped, it’s not a good idea to wear a big tent for a dress. The only women who can get away with it are 6′ tall and shaped like sticks. Otherwise you look like you’re wearing one of Nana’s cast-off muumuus that got caught in the door at the bingo hall and ripped, and you thought you could make the tent-dress with an asymmetrical hem-thing work. Here’s a hint: YOU CAN’T.

The big top came to town:

Everyone’s been talking about Pippa Middleton and her ass here lately, so I thought I better jump on the bandwagon and follow suit. After all, if there’s one thing I learned from watching hours of teen dramas on the CW, it’s that you should always do what the other kids are doing. Especially if they’re richer and more attractive than you. Otherwise, no one will ever think you’re cool, and everyone knows what other people think is the most important thing, followed closely by what kind of car you drive and what your father does for a living.

Shopping today in London:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Beyonce looked like some kind of Far East prostitute/Ming vase hybrid at the Met’s Costume Gala Ball Monday night, and besides cutting off the circulation to her cleavage, her Emilio Pucci gown was so tight that it made taking stairs impossible. According to Nine MSN:

Beyonce couldn’t climb the stairs on her own. She had to be hoisted up by her husband Jay Z and a helper.

Maybe she didn’t plan for anything more athletic than shuffling down the red carpet.

What a stupid fucking dress. There’s no form and there’s no function. It looks like she was shrink-wrapped upside down in Chinese tapestries like some kind of crappy gift basket you might get from a distant relative at Christmas. At least Hickory Farms makes sure to load theirs with Beef Summer Sausages. I bet there’s not even a cheese log in there!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Proving that celebrities aren’t the brightest crayons in the box, Peaches Geldof hasn’t learned from her fellow retards and has been accused of pinching a designer dress. Says Celebrity Fix,

Peaches Geldof has been accused of stealing a dress from a London fashion store. Last night UK detectives were waiting to question her after staff at the Three Amigos store in London claimed that she’d shoplifted the garment.

The designer dress went missing after the 22-year-old socialite paid a visit to the store and the police were contacted after Peaches didn’t return phone calls from the store’s owners, The Daily Mail reports.

A police spokesperson said, “We can confirm police have received an allegation of theft. It is alleged that on March 4 a woman stole a dress from a shop in Camden Road. Officers are investigating the alleged theft.”

But a spokesperson for Peaches says she wasn’t even near the store on the day in question. “On the afternoon of March 4 Peaches was picked up from her home address at 1.15pm and taken to a voiceover studio in SE1 where she spent two and a half hours.

“Peaches knows nothing about this incident which we strenuously deny.”

Peaches has been accused of stealing clothing from shops and photo shoots at least three times in the past, though criminal charges have never been laid.

She’s never had criminal charges brought against her only because the accusers got paid off. That’s what happens when you’re famous for really nothing special but have money anyway. Which should have enabled her to you know, buy all those things instead of stealing them. But I suppose when you’re a celebrity and not fit anymore to hold a real job, you’ve got to do things like that for shits and giggles.

From back in December:

Olivia Munn’s shtick is “Hey, she’s like a nerdy dude who also happens to be a sexy girl!”, that was cute for maybe 15 minutes, but now it’s just really tired. Here she is pushing it again with dressing like a staid little goody-two shoes, which I guess is supposed to be underhandedly sexy because *nudge nudge, wink wink* we know she likes to pose in her underwear. She what’s she’s doing right there? Making you think she’s really sweet and innocent, dressing like a demure little girl, but really being this naughty little minx? Hahahahahaha. Yeah. It’s getting really old.

At the GO International Designer Collective Launch in NY:

Jessica Alba brought her usual brand of hotness to the New York premiere of The Little Fockers yesterday, but her choice of red carpet attire wasn’t really my favorite. That dress looks like it might have been sheared right off the head of Lucius Malfoy. Incarcerous hairiosa!

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

I don’t know what in the Monster High™ hell Angelina Jolie was wearing at the German premiere of The Tourist last night, but with the right combat boots and a touch of black lipstick, she could be the new face of Morticia Adams’ evening wear line at Hot Topic. Or possibly a super villain named “Black Velvet.”

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

In almost every picture of Blake Lively at the Spike TV Scream Awards last night, she’s pulling her dress open right beneath the crotch and turning it into a damn mullet from the waist down. Don’t get me wrong here — I’m all for ladies pulling their dresses open at the crotch and letting me take pictures. It’s just that I don’t want to think “Joe Dirt” every time I stare at your thighs

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online, Fame Pictures