I’m sorry — what was that? You’ll have to speak up. I couldn’t hear you over Katy Perry’s makeup. They used less foundation turning Marlon Wayans into a Caucasoid in “White Chicks.”

So now that Miley Cyrus’ pantless-blazer getup is out of the way, we can talk about who actually won at the Billboard Music Awards last night. Let’s see — um, there’s Taylor Swift… she’s clearly holding some sort of trophy in that picture, so she must have won something. Probably Best Country Artist or Song of the Year or Most Photogenic, if only because Most Disappointingly Not-See-Through Lace Dress isn’t a Billboard Music Award category. Unfortunately, I’d already uploaded all the Taylor Swift pictures and downloaded Temple Run before I realized there wasn’t a nipslip in the whole bunch, so my hands were effectively tied here. I blame the industry.

Thanks to this picture of Kristen Stewart, you now know what Regan MacNeil would have looked like as an adult if Father Damien and the power of Christ hadn’t compelled her. That squat probably means she’s either about to piss the red carpet or violate herself with a crucifix again.

With the infinitely more beautiful Charlize Theron at the “Snow White and the Huntsman” premiere yesterday:

Kanye West was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala Monday night, but noticeably absent was his famewhore girlfriend Kim Kardashian. That’s because she was BANNED FROM ATTENDING by legendary Vogue editor Anna Wintour herself. Buuuuuuurn! According to Radar Online:

“Anna hates Kim,” a source says. “Why would she be invited to the event? It is all the biggest stars in the world and Kim doesn’t fit that bill at all. The Met Gala is $25,000 a ticket, but Kim can’t even buy her way in, Anna Wintour does NOT want her there!”

“Kim and her camp will deny that she wasn’t invited by saying that she had business in L.A., but that is a lie,” the source says. “She would of done anything to be there with all the A-listers.”

And if banning Kim from the Gala weren’t reason enough to stand up and applaud Anna Wintour, she ices the cake of cuntery with this glove slap to the cheek:

“Anna Wintour would allow Kim Kardashian on the cover of Vogue over her dead body… as long as Anna in charge you will NOT see Kim on Vogue.”

Also invited to the Gala that Kim was banned from attending? Victoria’s Secret model Anja Rubik. And after seeing her dress, you can rest assured that it’s no coincidence her last name rhymes with “pubic.” That dress is one misstep on a hem away from being full-frontal on the red carpet.

I see London, I see France, I see Anja’s… wait, no I don’t:

I promised yesterday that I wouldn’t talk any more about the Met Gala, but then I found these pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bonafide mullet dress with half her tit hanging out, and now here we are, talking about the Met Gala again. Okay, so I lied to you. Big deal. People lie all the time. Like when they told you those pants didn’t make your ass look huge, for instance. Get used to it.

Florence + The Machine frontwoman Florence Welch and Kirsten Dunst brought a taste of vintage Christmas to the Met’s Costume Institute Gala last night — Florence as one of those white artificial Christmas trees so popular in the 70′s, and Kirsten as Mrs. Claus in power suit circa 1984. Good thing it’s not really Christmas, though. Both of those dresses would have made baby Jesus cry for sure.

Ugly Met Gala antidote Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet:

It’s rare to find mock turtlenecks, gold sequins and and a turban outside a nursing home bridge club, but that didn’t stop Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova from wearing this dress to the Met’s Costume Institute Gala last night. You can almost smell the soiled Depends and denture adhesive from here.

This see-through Givenchy monstrosity is what Beyonce chose to wear to last night’s Met Gala. Puppeteers estimate that at least thirty Fraggles had to die in order for that dress to be made. I’m just glad Jim Henson’s not alive to see this.

You know what they say — April showers bring May boners! And believe me, that hurt me more than it hurt you. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

Minka Kelly and her wares :

It’s usually Sofia Vergara’s rack that gets all the attention, but I’d like to point out that she also has a magnificent derrière. Mostly because I just wanted to say “derrière.”

I hated the dress that Angelina Jolie wore to the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night — it looks like a “Project Runway” challenge with Hefty bags — but you just can’t escape her smoldering beauty or not get lost in her eyes. If only she’d worn Lea Michele’s dress instead. Fortunately, my mad photoshop skillz and I have already set about rectifying that situation. I don’t like to brag, but that only took me fifteen minutes. Plenty more where that came from, baby!

If you care about the winners, click here:

I appreciate the whole see-through thing Blake Lively was going for at last night’s 100th Episode Celebration of “Gossip Girl” (really? a hundred?), but that dress is just awful. The only way you’re pulling off a see-through aquatic-themed tasseled gown is if you’re name is Johnny Weir.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures