You can never have enough rhinestones or titty freckles at an evening wedding, so this demure ensemble was the perfect choice for Lindsay Lohan to wear to Kim Kardashian’s nuptials this weekend. Plus the draping around the chest is perfect for catching any tequila that misses your mouth when you’re pounding shots at the bar. Radar Online says:

Lindsay wore a low cut Marilyn-style dress with crystal detail in the back. Her blonde hair was styled in a dramatic upsweep.

“She was drinking and partying hard,” insider said. “I saw her order shots from the bar.”

Although still on probation, with community service and counseling requirements to be met, Lindsay has no restrictions on drinking and she was not driving.

I was sure that dress came directly out of the evening wear section of a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog, but it’s actually the same Temperly dress that Pippa Middleton wore the evening of her sister’s wedding to Prince William. It’s amazing what a few self-tanning armpit stains and lack of underwear can do to make a look all your own.

Kim Kardashian the day before her wedding:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Love Hewitt seriously needs someone to sit her down and explain body types to her and what’s flattering and what NOT to wear. Example: If you’re pear/hourglass shaped, it’s not a good idea to wear a big tent for a dress. The only women who can get away with it are 6′ tall and shaped like sticks. Otherwise you look like you’re wearing one of Nana’s cast-off muumuus that got caught in the door at the bingo hall and ripped, and you thought you could make the tent-dress with an asymmetrical hem-thing work. Here’s a hint: YOU CAN’T.

The big top came to town:

Everyone’s been talking about Pippa Middleton and her ass here lately, so I thought I better jump on the bandwagon and follow suit. After all, if there’s one thing I learned from watching hours of teen dramas on the CW, it’s that you should always do what the other kids are doing. Especially if they’re richer and more attractive than you. Otherwise, no one will ever think you’re cool, and everyone knows what other people think is the most important thing, followed closely by what kind of car you drive and what your father does for a living.

Shopping today in London:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Beyonce looked like some kind of Far East prostitute/Ming vase hybrid at the Met’s Costume Gala Ball Monday night, and besides cutting off the circulation to her cleavage, her Emilio Pucci gown was so tight that it made taking stairs impossible. According to Nine MSN:

Beyonce couldn’t climb the stairs on her own. She had to be hoisted up by her husband Jay Z and a helper.

Maybe she didn’t plan for anything more athletic than shuffling down the red carpet.

What a stupid fucking dress. There’s no form and there’s no function. It looks like she was shrink-wrapped upside down in Chinese tapestries like some kind of crappy gift basket you might get from a distant relative at Christmas. At least Hickory Farms makes sure to load theirs with Beef Summer Sausages. I bet there’s not even a cheese log in there!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Proving that celebrities aren’t the brightest crayons in the box, Peaches Geldof hasn’t learned from her fellow retards and has been accused of pinching a designer dress. Says Celebrity Fix,

Peaches Geldof has been accused of stealing a dress from a London fashion store. Last night UK detectives were waiting to question her after staff at the Three Amigos store in London claimed that she’d shoplifted the garment.

The designer dress went missing after the 22-year-old socialite paid a visit to the store and the police were contacted after Peaches didn’t return phone calls from the store’s owners, The Daily Mail reports.

A police spokesperson said, “We can confirm police have received an allegation of theft. It is alleged that on March 4 a woman stole a dress from a shop in Camden Road. Officers are investigating the alleged theft.”

But a spokesperson for Peaches says she wasn’t even near the store on the day in question. “On the afternoon of March 4 Peaches was picked up from her home address at 1.15pm and taken to a voiceover studio in SE1 where she spent two and a half hours.

“Peaches knows nothing about this incident which we strenuously deny.”

Peaches has been accused of stealing clothing from shops and photo shoots at least three times in the past, though criminal charges have never been laid.

She’s never had criminal charges brought against her only because the accusers got paid off. That’s what happens when you’re famous for really nothing special but have money anyway. Which should have enabled her to you know, buy all those things instead of stealing them. But I suppose when you’re a celebrity and not fit anymore to hold a real job, you’ve got to do things like that for shits and giggles.

From back in December:

Olivia Munn’s shtick is “Hey, she’s like a nerdy dude who also happens to be a sexy girl!”, that was cute for maybe 15 minutes, but now it’s just really tired. Here she is pushing it again with dressing like a staid little goody-two shoes, which I guess is supposed to be underhandedly sexy because *nudge nudge, wink wink* we know she likes to pose in her underwear. She what’s she’s doing right there? Making you think she’s really sweet and innocent, dressing like a demure little girl, but really being this naughty little minx? Hahahahahaha. Yeah. It’s getting really old.

At the GO International Designer Collective Launch in NY:

Jessica Alba brought her usual brand of hotness to the New York premiere of The Little Fockers yesterday, but her choice of red carpet attire wasn’t really my favorite. That dress looks like it might have been sheared right off the head of Lucius Malfoy. Incarcerous hairiosa!

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

I don’t know what in the Monster High™ hell Angelina Jolie was wearing at the German premiere of The Tourist last night, but with the right combat boots and a touch of black lipstick, she could be the new face of Morticia Adams’ evening wear line at Hot Topic. Or possibly a super villain named “Black Velvet.”

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

In almost every picture of Blake Lively at the Spike TV Scream Awards last night, she’s pulling her dress open right beneath the crotch and turning it into a damn mullet from the waist down. Don’t get me wrong here — I’m all for ladies pulling their dresses open at the crotch and letting me take pictures. It’s just that I don’t want to think “Joe Dirt” every time I stare at your thighs

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online, Fame Pictures

Here’s Nicole “Coco” Austin leaving her imprint on the fashion world. And by “imprint”, I mean “getting pummeled by twin silicone bags”. This look here is for that woman who doesn’t know just what to dress up her butt implants with. What exactly would you call the dressing up of asses? Asserdashery? I don’t know. Coco is treading upon a whole new world of prêt-à-porter here. I just hope she doesn’t decide to sit down.

A nightmare incarnate to Karl Lagerfeld at Sachika Twins S/S 2011 Fashion Show in New York:

Here’s one I’m sure you can relate to — this one time I woke up in a frat house bathroom without any pants on. Now, your initial instinct in that situation is to set a small trash can fire as a distraction and bolt for the nearest exit once people start to panic, but seeing as how my lighter was in my pants, I had no choice but to attempt to fashion a makeshift loincloth out of the toilet seat cover. It wouldn’t stay up by itself, but as luck would have it, I found an old ace bandage under the sink that I was able to use to hold the seat cover in place by wrapping it between my legs and over my shoulders and back around my waist, sort of like a sumo wrestler’s diaper, except with suspenders. So why am I telling you all this? Because I’d rather be photographed in my compression-bandage/toilet-accessory ensemble than in that dress Jessica Simpson’s wearing in these pictures. The only way that thing could be more unflattering is if the word “DUMPY” were also cross-stitched across the bosom.

In Capri with Eric Johnson and twenty extra pounds:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

So, apparently the only awesome thing to come out of the MuchMuch or MuchMusic Video Awards or whatever the hell it’s called, is Kristin Cavallari’s pokies. Her dress has got a metallic fish-scale thing going on, and her name reminds me of calamari, and squids are known perpetrators of tentacle rape (at least that’s what my hentai comics tell me), so what we can conclude here is that Kristin Cavallari is a dirty, dirty girl. I can’t believe she can show her face in public.

The slutty mcslutterson: