Drew Barrymore and fellow co-stars Juliette Lewis, Ellen Page and Zoe Bell recreate some of the scenes from her new movie “Whip It” in a photo shoot for next month’s Vs magazine. The film is based on the true story of the Texas Roller Derby League, which is weird because I was 99% sure that football was the only authorized sport in Texas. God knows A&M can’t get any other kind of ball through a hoop. Zing!

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were filming scenes in Central Park yesterday for their upcoming film Going the Distance.  I have absolutely no idea what Going the Distance is about, but based on these stills I’m guessing it’s a horror film about demons disguised as people who suck the souls right out of the faces of innocent rowboating bystanders.  Either that or it’s just some goofy romcom.  It’s a toss-up, really.

But seriously, these two are pretty cute together.  I’m not sure if they’re currently in an off or on phase of their rollercoaster relationship, but they’re still adorable in a nerdy kinda way.

Wait, what?  I thought these bitches broke up last year?  Whatever.  Apparently they’re still happening, or re-happening or some shit, because here’s Drew Barrymore and Justin Long at a Green Day concert together last night.  Anyway, that’s not even really the point.  Let’s focus on what’s important here and talk about what in the holy hell Drew’s wearing.  I get that Drew’s all kooky and eccentric and generally very fond of dressing like it’s no later than about 1987 and it’s all just part of her hippy dippy charm, and that’s probably for the best because without all that she’d just be a mediocre actress with a speech impediment and abominable taste in men…

The hell was my point?  Oh, yeah.  The outfit.

Drew.  DUDE.  For serious, what are you wearing?  No, I mean it.  Look at yourself:

Is that a table cloth rigged together with a pair of my grandpa’s suspenders?  Why is there a gingham napkin wrapped around your neck?  And why is there a bird on the inside of your elbow?  Jesus, I hope that’s magic marker, because it’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen so I’d hate to think it won’t wash off.

The most reasonable explanation I can come up with for this situation is that Drew was at some sort of picnic, and she was high as a goddamn kite and she saw a pretty bird, and she really wanted a picture of the bird but she was so stoned that she forgot cameras had been invented, so she drew a picture of the bird on her arm, and then there was skinnydipping and some nefarious character came along and stole her clothes from the pile on the shore, and so she was forced to MacGyver an outfit for herself with the contents of the picnic basket.  She’s so resourceful!

Here’s something really odd: According to a British gay dating website, Drew Barrymore got voted as the celebrity lesbian women would most want to date. CelebrityFIX has the details:

Drew Barrymore has been voted as the number one celebrity gay girls would love to go on a date with. What about Katy Perry?
The Charlie’s Angels star, who has been divorced twice but claimed to be bisexual in 2004, blitzed the poll held by poll-loving gay-PARSHIP.com, winning 49 percent of the vote.

While there were no Lindsay Lohans or Samantha Ronsons in sight, the poll was filled out by the sexy likes of Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell… and Amy Winehouse?

Really? No Angelina Jolie, no Megan Fox? You’d take cokeface Amy Winehouse on PURPOSE? I mean, unless you’re talking sheer entertainment factor, those Limey Lesbians are off their trolley. But it gets even better.

Here’s the full list with both gay and lesbian choices:

Most Desired Lesbian Date:

1. Drew Barrymore - 49 percent

2. Kate Moss - 26 percent

3. Britney Spears - 13 percent

4. Tracey Emin - 6 percent

5. Naomi Campbell - 4 percent

6. Amy Winehouse - 2 percent

Most Desired Gay Date:

1. Jude Law – 36 percent

2. Robert Downey Jr- 24 percent

3. Colin Farrell - 22 percent

4. Liam Gallagher - 7 percent

5. Russell Crowe - 6 percent

6. Pete Doherty - 4 percent

Yes, even pasty, sweaty Pete Doherty made the list. Blehhhhh.

When you think “sexy hot celebrity catfight,” which two names come to mind? Is it Megan Fox and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Marissa Miller? Or maybe you’re more of a “Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst” kind of guy who enjoys macramé and living in your mother’s basement. If you are, then today’s your lucky day — it seems that over the weekend, ex-girlfriend of Justin “I’m a Mac” Long Drew Barrymore and current girlfriend Kirsten Dunst both ended up backstage at Saturday Night Live, where things turned a little ugly. Well, uglier than they already are, and that’s sayin’ a lot. According to OK Magazine

Drew was on hand to hang with good pal Cameron Diaz, who was making a cameo, while Kirsten was there to cheer on her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who had been given hosting duties for the week.

“Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in,” one witness tells OK!. “James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron. But Kirsten didn’t want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night.”

Keeping their distance was a complicated matter, as both actresses kept having to step outside for cigarette breaks.

So, ugly and boring! A title only previously held by Hilary Clinton and Carrot Top. I’m pretty sure the average person would be more aroused by The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe and milk farts. At least the Old Woman in the Shoe knew how to throw a fucking punch!

Kirsten at a Yankees game in New York last Monday:

Drew Barrymore’s out-of-control boozing is to blame for her recent split from Justin “I’m a Mac” Long. The Enquirer says

Barrymore and Long had planned to wed – until booze resumed its hold on the former child star. “Justin got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night,” an insider [said]. “Justin gently suggested to Drew that they both slow down on the drinking, and she didn’t take it well. Drew believes she has control over her drinking.”

Jesus, I get so sick of people trying to tell you that you have “a problem” all the time. Oh, Abby, you have a “problem” with binge drinking. Hey, Abby, you have a “problem” with indecent exposure. Abby, you might want to see a lawyer about your stealing-from-the-petty-cash-at-work “problem.” Well, there’s only one thing to say to your boyfriend (or the cops or the prosecuting attorney) when they start up on you about your “problem”again: “Look — if there was a problem, yo, I’d solve it.” You can add “Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it” or just freestyle from there. There’s no arguing with Vanilla Ice logic, baby!

The couple in happier, boozier times (drinking on a beach and leaving a bar):

Actress Drew Barrymore and boyfriend Justin Long were reportedly involved in bar fight last week. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with anyone being forced to watch “Freddy Got Fingered.” According to Female First

The ‘Charlie’s Angels’ star and the ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ actor were enjoying a private drink together at West Hollywood’s Bar Lubitsch when a fellow patron started taking photographs of them. An onlooker [said]: “Drew complained to a member of staff and suddenly there were fists flying everywhere. “Drew and Justin ran out of there as quickly as they could.”

Which should really read: Justin sprinted for the exit while Drew gazed dreamily at the brawlers, murmuring, “Like, it’s like… like their fists are making love to the face bones!” And then Justin had to turn around amid exclamations of “they’re like these little possums in a cocoon of chaos” and “God, it’s all so fucking magical, isn’t it?” to grab her by the wrist and drag her towards the door before she tried to cleanse their chakras by anointing them with patchouli again.

Drew at the Palm Springs International Film Fest Awards Gala January 5th: