Hi everybody, it’s Sonya today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and it may be the day after that too, it all really depends on whether or not Abby recovers from her week-long Bacchanalian romp.  Speaking of which, someone who’s very apparently had one too many nips at the cooking sherry, Ozzy Osbourne was tricked into rehab by his wife Sharon Osbourne. Says Now Magazine,

Ozzy Osbourne admits rehab was not what he expected.

The Black Sabbath legend was tricked into seeking treatment by wife Sharon, 56.

‘She said I think it’s where they teach you to drink properly,’ Ozzy tells Absolute Radio.

‘So I go to the Betty Ford Centre and think where’s the bar?

‘I thought it was going to be guys in smoking jackets and bow-ties with one leg crossed over the other, leaning against the bar, now stir the olive in your martini, take a sip, curl your moustache and have a ciggy - like a school of drinking.’

Tsk, tsk. It’s not nice to mess with mentally challenged people. That’s how I lost my job as a handicapped school bus driver after I had the kids perform a Chinese fire drill in the middle of a busy intersection. People are SUCH buzzkills.

At a book signing for his autobiography, “I Am Ozzy”

There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician - accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.

Mariah Carey was already shitfaced last night when she arrived at One Little West 12th in the wee hours of the morning to guzzle champagne with her entourage. Page Six says

According to a witness, Carey showed up to the restaurant at “1:30 a.m. and was quite out of it. When she exited her black Maybach, she tripped twice and had to grab hold of one of her guards so she wouldn’t fall. She ordered a bottle of champagne but she could barely speak.”

A source close to the singer tells Page Six, “She was probably wobbly because she was wearing 7-inch Louboutins. That’s tough to do.”

Yep, that’s it. Her feet were tired. Just like that time my head was tired and the cops tried to tell me I had blacked out and faceplanted on the sidewalk. Drunk and disorderly my ass! My head just needed a little rest was all. I’m pretty sure I had used it for a lot of thinking and stuff that day.

Melanie Griffith checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah this week as part of an “ongoing commitment to stay healthy.” In other words, bitch is boozin’ again. Star Magazine says

An insider [says] that this stint in rehab is [really just] a bid to save her marriage.

The 52-year-old movie star has battled addictions to drugs and booze since she was a teenager, but her latest fall off the wagon is the last straw for her husband of 13 years, Antonio Banderas.

“He told her that if she didn’t get the help she needed [to get clean and sober], it would be the end of their marriage,” said the source.

Well, the Cirque Lodge certainly did wonders for Lindsay Lohan. As in “I wonder when this skankwad is going to finally OD in a Bungalow 8 crapper.” Looks like success is in the cards for you, Mel!

And now for some Olivia Wilde in the fall edition of Malibu Magazine because she’s not ravaged by plastic surgery and a cirrhotic liver:

Jessica isn’t the only Simpson girl who likes her booze — little sister Ashlee got shit-faced at a nightclub over the weekend for the third time in two weeks. Pacific Coast News says

The slim “Melrose Place” star looked very tired as she left popular night spot [Bardot], stumbling on her way out. Ashlee’s friend helped the star out as she clambered into their car, making sure she kept Ashlee’s skirt under control so she didn’t suffer an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.

Boy, I sure wish I’d had my own personal leg closer back in college. It probably would’ve saved me a case of chlamydia and a couple of bastard children. Toss in professional hair-holder-backer/turn-her-on-her-side-so-she-doesn’t-aspirate-her-own-vomiter and I’d have been practically invincible freshman year.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

More rumors of lesbian discord between Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, this time at ESPN The Magazine’s Pre-Super Bowl party last Friday. Fox News says

An angry-looking Lindsay hung out near Sam’s D.J. booth chain-smoking until the early hours while shooting her dirty looks. According to an insider, Lohan continued to grab Ronson’s Blackberry obsessively and check her messages before an inevitable feud broke out. The two later headed to the ladies’ to “sort it out” and came out smiling.

“Sort it out,” or “snort it out?” I think we all know the answer to that one. Besides, there was already a pretty good chance she’d been drinking:

While the [party goers] all enjoyed shots of Patron, the “reformed” rehabber made a public display of only drinking Red Bull, although… a secret stash of liquor was later found underneath Lilo’s table.

Well, to be fair, we can’t just assume she was drinking because someone discovered a bottle of booze under the table. For all we know, she might have been using the bottle neck to fuck herself under the table. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here. We all know how angry her puss gets when it goes more than ten minutes without something inside it. Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash! We should really just give her the benefit of the doubt here.

Arriving in L.A. with Samantha, after telling people “she would die” if she had to fly coach:

Self-professed sober non-lesbian Lindsay Lohan was caught on tape mixing herself a Red Bull and vodka and sucking face with Samantha Ronson at a nightclub in D.C. over the weekend. Security cameras don’t lie, sweetheart! That’s what the prosecution is always telling me, anyway.

Drew Barrymore’s out-of-control boozing is to blame for her recent split from Justin “I’m a Mac” Long. The Enquirer says

Barrymore and Long had planned to wed – until booze resumed its hold on the former child star. “Justin got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night,” an insider [said]. “Justin gently suggested to Drew that they both slow down on the drinking, and she didn’t take it well. Drew believes she has control over her drinking.”

Jesus, I get so sick of people trying to tell you that you have “a problem” all the time. Oh, Abby, you have a “problem” with binge drinking. Hey, Abby, you have a “problem” with indecent exposure. Abby, you might want to see a lawyer about your stealing-from-the-petty-cash-at-work “problem.” Well, there’s only one thing to say to your boyfriend (or the cops or the prosecuting attorney) when they start up on you about your “problem”again: “Look — if there was a problem, yo, I’d solve it.” You can add “Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it” or just freestyle from there. There’s no arguing with Vanilla Ice logic, baby!

The couple in happier, boozier times (drinking on a beach and leaving a bar):