Jennifer Lopez confirmed yesterday that she had split (re: was dumped) from music label Sony after ten years collaborating together. The Daily Mail quoted her as saying,

“I have belonged to the Sony family since the beginning of my career as a singer and together we’ve had great success.

I have fulfilled my contractual responsibilities with Sony/Epic up to this point, and we have both reached friendly terms about my departure from the label.

I’m also happy to say that we’ve found a new home for my album Love and that it is slated for release in the summer of 2010.”

While neither Sony nor Lopez gave the reason for the split, rumor has it that Sony dropped her on her big fat ass after her last two singles tanked:

Her two recent singles, Louboutins and Fresh Out Of The Oven, were flops on the U.S. Billboard singles chart and Sony were not willing to take a gamble on her Love album, [fearing it] would be a flop.

Sorry, but your fifteen minutes are long past up, JLo. You’re talentless, you’re obsolete, you’re fat, and nobody likes you. See Jessica Simpson for details.

White is not your friend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

You probably feel like you’ve seen more of Tiger Woods lately than you ever wanted to see in your life, but one place you weren’t seeing him these last two weeks was on commercials — and you probably won’t be any time soon. Undoubtedly bad news for Tiger, who earns nearly $90 million in contract endorsements with Accenture Plc, Nike, Gatorade, Tag Heuer, Electronic Arts and Gillette. Bloomberg reports

Advertisements featuring [Tiger Woods] have disappeared. The last prime-time ad featuring the golfer was a 30-second Gillette Co. spot on Nov. 29. Woods also was absent from ads on a number of weekend sports programs, including NFL games.

Then Toys R Us went and put his action figures on clearance, and now Gatorade has gone and pulled his drink. TMZ says

Gatorade is shutting down production of their special brand of Tiger Woods brew this month. Gatorade says Tiger Woods Focus Gatorade will conveniently be discontinued as of December 26.

I wouldn’t start stuffing my money in a mattress just yet. There are plenty of new, even bigger endorsement deals out there now that he’s been revealed as a whoremongering alcoholic. Like Trojan brand condoms, for instance. Or that website for married people who want to have affairs, Ashley Madison. Or Pfizer pharmaceuticals, Tiger’s one-stop shop for Ambien, Vicodin and Valtrex. And, of course, my personal favorite, the Fore-Par Golf Clean brand Ball Washer® — because Tiger knows what it’s like to have dirty balls!

Jessica Simpson finds herself even further down the spiral after being dropped by Sony Music. According to OK! Magazine

A staffer for Columbia Nashville, the division of Sony Music… responsible for releasing Jessica’s most recent album, told us that Jessica Simpson has now “come off the label.”

Her latest single, Pray Out Loud, has failed to chart, [and] her winter tour supporting Rascal Flatts has been something of a rocky one, with several shows having been marked by fumbled songs, do overs and booing crowds.

Jessica’s rep tells OK! that she “is and has always been an Epic artist. She was on loan to Sony Nashville for her country album. She continues to be on Epic’s label.”

Geez. The only thing that’s ever crashed and burned faster than Jessica Simpson’s career wound up scrap metal at the bottom of the Florida Everglades. Desperate times call for desperate measures, people. And by “desperate measures” I of course mean “sex tape.” It’s really the only shot she’s got left.

Chubbing it up at a concert in Chula Vista, CA:

More bad news for Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps — Dophin Boy has officially been suspended from USA Swimming competitions for the next ninety days. USA Swimming said in a public statement:

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero.”

To add insult to injury, Kellogg’s cereal manufacturers have decided not to renew Phelps’ contract when it expires at the end of this month. Kellog’s said

“We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the US Olympic team. Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract.”

Well, fuck Kellogg’s, and fuck USA Swimming. Who needs them anyway? There’s a whole world of opportunities and open doors just waiting for Michael Phelps. I can think of at least ten right now right off the top of my head.

TOP TEN MICHAEL PHELPS POTENTIAL ADVERTISING GIGS:

10. Magic Mushroom head shop — now carrying Michael Phelps brand Gold Metal pocket-sized pipes!

9. The Urinator — Michael Phelps says “urine luck!”

8. Goldenseal — Goldenboy Michael Phelps Stays Golden with this all-natural herb!

7. Funions: it’s a Michael Phelps munchies must-have!

6. Visine: Get the red out, keep the gold in

5. Downy dryer sheets: because Michael Phelps’ mom doesn’t need to know

4. Track and Field II for Super NES: because you’ll never be Michael Phelps, so you might as well get high and pretend

3. Ohaus Voyager® laboratory analytical scales: because Michaels Phelps knows that every little bit counts

2. High Times cover boy: Goldenboy brings the Golden Haze to the Cannabis Cup

and the number one Michael Phelps potential advertising gig:

1. Hydrofarm Hydroponic Grow System: because Michael Phelps only does it with water!

On his way to practice in Baltimore: