Britney Spears’ mother’s new book is about to hit the shelves, so all you considering children ought to head down to the Barnes and Noble and stock up while you still can. Advice this good isn’t going to be around for long. You can’t afford to miss some of the more important topics broached in Lynne’s biography — things like when and how to introduce sex and drugs into your child’s daily routine. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” never even touches on that stuff! According to Female First

Lynne Spears’ shocking revelations claim Britney began drinking at 13 and was allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood.

Lynne admits she allowed [16-year old] Britney to sleep with Justin [and says she] regrets handing control of Britney’s career over to her managers and allowing her to be promoted as a sex object.

I guess once you find out that there’s an age minimum on internet porn and child labor is frowned upon in the States, the only logical thing to do is feed your child to the Hollywood Industry Machine for a quick buck and hope she doesn’t kill herself in the end. Provided there wasn’t a Sarlaac wielding a paycheck or a virgin-hungry volcano spraying stock options anywhere around, of course. A mom can dream, can’t she?

Britney poolside in Vegas:

Amy Winehouse’s little “adverse reaction to medication” back in July has been exposed as — wait for it — another drug overdose. You didn’t see that one comin’, did you? Only this one might have been the final straw for Amy’s over-taxed cerebrum. A close pal of Amy’s told The Sun

“She had smoked an inhuman amount of hash which resulted in acute cannabis poisoning [vomiting uncontrollably and hallucinating]. You have to take a [shitload] of pot to suffer that severe a reaction. It’s thought she had been smoking it for 36 hours. Amy’s fits were as bad as the convulsions she had during her overdose in August last year. No one has mentioned her meth use before – but that stuff is truly nasty.”

Medics are worried Amy’s brain was damaged by the cannabis overdose – she displayed symptoms normally associated with schizophrenia.

First of all, hash doesn’t cause epileptic fits and seizures. Epilepsy does. Secondly, you couldn’t smoke enough hash to “poison” yourself in one night. Meth, yes; hashish, no. Hell, you couldn’t eat enough hashish to poison yourself in one night. In fact, I had a brick of hashish for breakfast, and I’ve never been better. I start every day with a little of the Black Gold. Sometimes I sprinkle a little over my granola; I might fold it into an omelet with capers and a side of lox, or just dig in with a spoon and eat it straight, but one thing’s for damn sure — I have no idea where I was going with this. Remembering is hard!

Eat your breakfast yet? Prepare to get a visit from the Ghost of Breakfast Past. Pete Doherty will be debuting a tell-all biography home video today in an Austrian porn cinema. The Sun reveals,

The BABYSHAMBLES rocker, 29, is believed to discuss old flame KATE MOSS, 34, and addict pal AMY WINEHOUSE, 24, in the home movie, due to be screened in Graz.

A pal said: “Some of it is very revealing.”

Oooh, sexy. This is just about as erotic as a bowl of Jerusalem crickets and not as tasty. I swear I can’t understand what Kate Moss ever saw in this clammy freak of nature. He reminds me of those creepy marionette dolls that are in like every 80’s horror movie ever made. I’m totally making that up, because I won’t watch horror movies that have dolls or clowns in them, but if they did, they’d look just like him.

Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me!

Singer Amy Winehouse is back home this morning after being rushed to the emergency room last night with an “allergic reaction to medica–” aw, fuck it, she overdosed again, okay? Geez. The Daily Mail reports

Paramedics were called by father Mitch after Amy reportedly suffered an episode of ‘fitting’. The singer was wheeled out of her north London home just after 8:40 pm by paramedics as [her] father watched [on].

Her spokesman said in a statement: ‘Amy Winehouse suffered a reaction to medication at home this evening and was taken to hospital. Doctors have advised that she will be kept under observation overnight and is likely to be released tomorrow.’

I don’t know why Amy Winehouse’s doctors would even bother with a diagnosis anymore. They could just draw a big frowny face on her chart with X’s for eyes and a tongue sticking out and call it a day. Maybe pencil in a couple of flies and stink lines around the head for credibility and bellow “DEAD MAN WALKIN’!” every time they opened it. Or they could just swap it out for a blank autopsy report. We’re splitting hairs at this point, really.