Michael Lohan’s mission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six

[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.

And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine:

Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says

The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.

When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”

When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”

Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Courtney Love’s life continues to sink ever further into her own self-made Hole of Suck. Look for her soon at bumming coins at your local gas station! Now Magazine explains,

Courtney Love’s crazy lifestyle is finally taking its toll. In a text to a friend, she said: ‘I’m f***ed now, dude. 
I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn’t had a decent meal and I’m getting evicted.’

The 45-year-old widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain looked alarmingly haggard recently as she strolled near the New York Mercer Hotel, where she’s currently living.

Courtney has no means of paying her hotel bill after being denied access to the £750,000 trust fund set up for her daughter Frances, 17.

‘Courtney’s a complete shopaholic,’ says a source. ‘She’s been to counselling, but attended only one session. She’ll think nothing of blowing thousands like Michael Jackson did, but she hasn’t got his millions. She could end up on the street now.’

Last month, the ex-Hole singer revealed that she was living off the generosity of hotel staff, saying: ‘They’re the best staff in the world. When my bank account got frozen, we had $14.32 [£9] a week, so we lived off the kindness of strangers.’

It’s been revealed that Courtney owes £220,000 [$358,798] to American Express and is being sued by her security guards for missing payments totalling £38,000 [$61,974.20].

In April she employed ‘forensic accountants’ to track down and retrieve more than £19 million [$30 million] that she claims can’t be accounted for.

How exactly in holy hell do you misplace $30 million dollars? Like Oops, wonder what happened to my car keys, I’ve misplaced them. Except in this case, it’s like, Oops, I misplaced a fucking mountain of cash that probably weighs more than my drug-emaciated body. And therein lies the answer to the mystery. Congratulations, Courtney Love, you’ve had your hands on more money than the vast majority of us not-so-fortunate peasants will ever even get to look at, screwed up your life, probably ensured that your daughter will end up as fucked up as you, and blown your millions away on drugs and really bad clothes. I hope someone gives you a ribbon that says, “I Win at Sucking”.

Former child star Mackenzie Phillips will be a guest on Oprah today to talk about her new autobiography “High On Arrival” — and specifically, about her incestuous relationship with her own father. Feel free to stop and shudder with revulsion right there. Star Magazine says

She writes that she was 19 when her dad John Phillips — from the ’60s band Mamas and the Papas — slept with her on the night before she was to marry Jeff Sessler.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Mackenzie, who was already a heavy drug user. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on his bed… I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I don’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

Their sexual relationship continued, she reveals in the book. She traveled with him and his new band, they did drugs together went to rehab together and — shockingly — even talked about running away together.

“One night Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us,” she writes. “There are countries were this is an accepted practice.”

Jesus, there’s no reason to leave the country just to have sex with your child. Just buy a double-wide and move to West Virginia. Done and done. You don’t even have to burn any air miles!

Dita von Teese promoting her new Wonderbra because it’s not incest:

Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in a New York City apartment on Friday night. He was 36 years old. According to Yahoo News

Friends reportedly went to check on the celebrity DJ after not hearing from him for several days, but contacted authorities when they could not get a response after knocking on his door on Friday. Around 5:24 PM local time, authorities responded to a call at 210 Lafayette Street, following a 911 call of a “possible unconscious male.” After arriving at the residence, authorities discovered a 36-year-old white male “unconscious and unresponsive.” Paramedics also arrived on the scene and declared the male dead on arrival. Foul play is not suspected at this time and a medical examiner will determine the cause of death.

TMZ adds:

Law enforcement sources [say] when they found the body of DJ AM, a bag of crack was found around his groin area… and a glass “crack pipe” was found in his bedroom. The pill bottles were found in the kitchen.

And People Magazine says

Within the past few weeks, Goldstein, 36, split with model Hayley Wood, and the situation had left him an emotional wreck.

“She ended it, and he didn’t want it to end. The breakup hurt him. He hadn’t been in a good place lately. For the past week, he wasn’t really around, he was keeping to himself, and he was blowing people off,” says [a] source.

On Thursday, he Tweeted a lyric from Grandmaster Flash: “New york, new york. Big city of dreams, but everything in new york ain’t always what it seems.”

I think we could all do well to remember the words of my husband when I told him Adam had died: “Who the fuck is ‘DJ AM’? Was that the fat one from Salt ‘n’ Pepa?” And sign of the cross… amen.

Blink 182’s tribute to Adam Saturday night:

Melanie Griffith checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah this week as part of an “ongoing commitment to stay healthy.” In other words, bitch is boozin’ again. Star Magazine says

An insider [says] that this stint in rehab is [really just] a bid to save her marriage.

The 52-year-old movie star has battled addictions to drugs and booze since she was a teenager, but her latest fall off the wagon is the last straw for her husband of 13 years, Antonio Banderas.

“He told her that if she didn’t get the help she needed [to get clean and sober], it would be the end of their marriage,” said the source.

Well, the Cirque Lodge certainly did wonders for Lindsay Lohan. As in “I wonder when this skankwad is going to finally OD in a Bungalow 8 crapper.” Looks like success is in the cards for you, Mel!

And now for some Olivia Wilde in the fall edition of Malibu Magazine because she’s not ravaged by plastic surgery and a cirrhotic liver:

Hi everyone, it’s Sonya today! I hope you had a great weekend. Besides glue and putty and gardening tools, do you know what else bearded pitchman Billy Mays loved? I mean, REALLY REALLY LOVED? Drugs! TMZ reports,

A mighty shocking autopsy report concludes cocaine contributed to the sudden death of pitchman Billy Mays back in June.

The report, which was released today, lists “cocaine use” as a contributing cause of death — along with hypertensive and arteriosclerotic heart disease.

A Hillsborough County press release says “from the presence of metabolites of cocaine and the absence of cocaine itself, it was concluded that Mr. Mays used cocaine in the few days prior to his death but not immediately prior to death.”

Mays died in his sleep on June 28 at his home in Florida.

UPDATE: Official documents show the following drugs were in Mays’ system — hydrocodone (Vicodin), oxycodone (painkiller), alprazolam (Xanax), nordiazepam (Valium), benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and temazepam (anti-anxiety). Ethanol — alcohol — was also in Mays’ system.

HO-LY COW. That’s quite the cocktail. Any other person, and that would’ve knocked you on your ass the first time. But not Billy Mays! It just gave him the drive to POWER THROUGH, TO DIG DOWN REALLY DEEP, to GET THOSE RESULTS, all while cultivating a beard that would have made Paul Bunyan weep with envy.

In Memoriam: Billy Mays Gangsta Remix:

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

In even more pill-popping news, it’s being reported that Lindsay Lohan’s drastic weight loss comes courtesy of a prescription for the ADHD drug Adderall. According to Us Weekly

Lohan takes Adderall, a prescription drug usually given to people for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, to lose weight.

“She takes Adderall all the time,” one source told Us. “She gets jittery because of the way the pills affect her. It’s a major reason why she’s losing weight.”

And that’s not the only drug in her repertoire — sources say she’s still hooked on the white stuff. You know — the “throat candy.” “Man butter.” “Jizz.” Unfortunately, with semen’s current legal standing in the United States, it’s going to be damn near impossible to wean her off the stuff. Now we just wait for the inevitable moment when she asphyxiates taking two cocks at once and her addiction will tragically cum come full circle.

At the teen.com premiere of Haute and Bothered with sister Ali:

While Farrah Fawcett, who is currently enduring her second bout with colorectal cancer, lapsed into unconsciousness at a Los Angeles hospital last night, her son was busy getting busted for smuggling meth onto jail property. It’s what any dying mother would want, really. The NY Daily News says

A cancer-stricken [and unconscious] Farrah Fawcett was fighting for her life Sunday night as relatives gathered at her bedside. The former “Charlie’s Angels” star, now 62, has been in an undisclosed hospital since Thursday.

Adding to the family drama was yesterday’s arrest of her son Redmond O’Neal on charges he tried to smuggle drugs into a county jail. O’Neal, 24, was busted when he drove a friend to [visit a buddy currently incarcerated in] a detention facility in Santa Clarita, Calif., and guards found drugs on him at a checkpoint.

I can’t think of anything more appropriate to do while your mother’s on her deathbed. Getting arrested for soliciting sex from an underage transvestite or plowing through a sidewalk full of orphans piss-drunk and high is a close second. It sure beats the hell out of flowers and prayers, anyway. Why does everything have to be so goddamn clichéd?

UPDATE: People Magazine says Farrah is now awake and doing better, while her son remains an insufferable douche.

UPDATE II: It was heroin and Xanax that the insufferable douche was caught with, not meth. Yeeeah regrets the error and Ryan O’Neal’s facial hair.

Vintage Farrah:

Hello poppets, it’s Sonya with you today. The big news this morning is that Howard K. Stern, along with two others, have been charged with illegally prescribing drugs to Anna Nicole Smith. People reports,

Stern, 40, a fixture at Smith’s side for years who once claimed to be the father of her daughter Dannielynn, has been formally charged with conspiring to furnish drugs to Smith prior to her death, prosecutors said Thursday.

Also charged with felonies were two doctors, Sandeep Kapoor, 40, and Khristine Eroshevich, 61, who allegedly prescribed medication unlawfully to Smith, according to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Office.

The conspiracy counts allege the three defendants conspired to provide controlled substances to Smith from between June 2004 and January 2007. They also were charged with “prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict,” among other charges.

Iiiiinteresting. Sounds like a classic case of a tag team. Get Anna high on opiates and tell her that she’s been chosen to carry the seed of Starflight, the Magical Unicorn. Sounds like good, clean fun to me. The courts have no imagination!

Howard K. Stern and Sandeep Kapoor, who were bailed out this morning:

I’m glad that in these uncertain times, when the economy sucks big donkey balls and I get laid off after 7 years at the same job, that we can count on Amy Winehouse to do what she does best: be a hot mess. Is there a Guinness World Record for Most Hospital Visits in Year? Amy seems to be well on her way to becoming a champion. According to Now,

Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital on Friday night after collapsing.

The troubled diva, who is still on extended holiday on the Caribbean island of St Lucia, was in ‘a terrible state’.

Amy, 25, claims she has given up drugs during her vacation but is believed to have been drinking heavily.

‘She looked a shaking mess,’ a witness tells The Sun. ‘The people with her were very concerned.’

Amy’s spokesman has confirmed she’s receiving treatment after running out of a drug replacement she’d been using in a bid to get well.

You can always count on those Brits to make things sound so much more elegant and respectable than they are. Here in the good ol’ US of A, we’d substitute “in a state” for something like, “gargling on her own vomit” and “a shaking mess” for “too drunk to make it to the bathroom”.

Pre-drunken mess Amy doing some exercises in St. Lucia:

The medical center Amy was taken to: They put the hospitality into hospital!