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Mischa Barton must not have been feeling well enough to attend the Women for Women International Gala in London, so her mom was nice enough to stand in for her. Oh, wait. My bad–that’s actually 26-year-old Mischa Barton in the flesh. Specifically, 45-year-old looking flesh.

Remember how Lindsay Lohan said she was home watching TV the night a patron at the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub claimed to have been assaulted by her? Yeeeah… that was a lie. The cops now have The Standard Hotel’s surveillance video in which Lohan can clearly be seen inside the club on the night in question. Radar Online says:

“Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub at The Standard Hotel and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault,” a law enforcement source [said]. “The investigation is still ongoing… two other witnesses besides the alleged victim filed police reports, including the bouncer of the nightclub.”

And because it worked out so well three days before, Lindsay Lohan went back to the Standard Hotel last night, and you’ll never guess what happens next. TMZ says:

Lindsay… got into it with ANOTHER woman, and it ended with LiLo on the receiving end of a flying drink.

Lindsay’s friend drove her car to the hotel — LiLo was in the passenger seat. The driver pulled into the parking garage and hit another car. Lindsay then called her dad, Michael and he dutifully showed up.

He took Lindsay inside the club and the two hung out for hours … we’re told without any alcohol.

A woman in the booth next to theirs made a snide comment about Lindsay showing up with her dad. Lindsay then got up and screamed at the woman, “Shut the fuck up.” That’s when the drink drenched the actress.

Michael then grabbed his daughter and made a beeline for the door.

Captain Sober’s been at either Coachella or The Standard Hotel every night this week, not drinking and not doing drugs and not shoving girls who are prettier than she is. Like in this photo, for instance. She’s not totally geeked up here. It’s probably just the flash making her eyes do that. And this one? She’s not drunk. I bet the shutter speed was too slow. And as for this pic with Snoop Dogg, well, maybe she’s got pinkeye in both eyes and an Asian great-grandmother. We really shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

At Jeremy Scott’s Coachella party:


Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is all better now after being in rehab for less than a month. Of course, that depends on your opinion of “better”. Me, I would say he’s better when America gets tired of watching stupid reality shows about trashy people. So, probably not anytime soon. Says TMZ,

The Situation has CHECKED OUT of the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah … where he was receiving treatment for substance abuse … TMZ has learned.

TMZ broke the story … Mike Sorrentino checked in to the famous treatment center several weeks ago … claiming he wanted to “get control of a prescription medication problem I had due to exhaustion.”

Sitch was spotted out moments ago at a nearby airport … and even took a photo with a fan who happened to be on his flight.

I’m sure his time in rehab has totally transformed him. He probably would never wear an open shirt anymore and speaks intelligently about important societal issues and raises his pinky when he drinks his afternoon tea. He’s like a new Eliza Doolittle, if Eliza Doolittle smiled like she had suffered a stroke and had a persistent, itching rash.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, but who really cares when Emily VanCamp in Cosmopolitan magazine is all bright colors and long legs?

 

 

Whitney Houston’s final autopsy report was released today, and it will probably shock you to hear this, but… cops found cocaine in Whitney’s hotel room. In more than one place. And it appears that she had been doing cocaine for years. Who knew? She certainly hid it so well! TMZ says:

The report, which gives a detailed description of Whitney’s room when officials arrived, says “Located on the south portion of the counter was a small spoon with a white crystal-like substance in it and a rolled up piece of white paper, along with other miscellaneous items.”

“Located in the top drawer, in the north side of the counter were remnants of a white powdery substance, and a portable mirror on a base.” Officials found more white powder on the base of the mirror.

Whitney’s body was discovered FACE DOWN in the bath tub … with a “bloody purge coming from her nose.”

The report notes Whitney had a history of substance abuse, which was evident by a “perforation of posterior nasal septum.”

The singer’s official cause of death is listed as accidental drowning — but heart disease and “chronic” cocaine use were contributing factors.

Face down with a bloody purge coming from the nose? Ooh, I know what I’m gonna be for Halloween!

Before we start off, I just want you to know this shit is so unbelievably juvenile and stupid that it physically pains me to post it. Seriously. My head is pounding right now. And no, not because of the hangover. That one’s more of a constant dull ache. TMZ says:

DJ Deadmau5 [called] Madonna‚Äč as a “fucking idiot” for asking the crowd at the Ultra Music Festival if anyone has “seen Molly” — Molly is a slang term for the active ingredient in ecstasy.

The Material Girl posted a photo of herself in Mickey Mouse gear … with the caption, “From one mouse to another I dont support drug use and i never have. I was referring to the song called “Have You Seen Molly” written by my friend Cedric Gervais who I almost worked with on my album.”

Deadmau5 saw the tweet and replied … saying, “Fair enough, I was just voicing my concerns as I usually do. +1 respect for clearing it up personally … regardless, just be a little more aware of what you should represent at EDM events, and I’ll watch my mouth.”

Madge replied … “Communication is always best. You should have called me first, we could have cleared it up ‘privately.’ ;) See you on the road.”

DeadMau5 was right — just saying the word “molly” at a public venue probably sent hundreds of socially-conflicted teens spiraling down a vortex of ecstasy-fueled sex parties and shame. I’m just glad they finally put somebody in charge of what you can and can’t say in a group setting. Freedom of speech is for pussies.

In case you don’t hate yourself enough, you can watch the video of Madonna “glamorizing ecstasy” in a faux British accent:

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