Michael Lohan claims to have numerous phone tapes and messages left by ex-wife Dina that prove that daughter Lindsay is an out-of-control drug addict, and he’s going to be releasing them to the media next week. According to the NY Daily News

“I have proof that Dina has told me Lindsay is on death’s doorstep, that she doesn’t have much time left. There have been frantic calls. And I’m going to prove that Dina is the liar, not me.”

The whole world is about to hear it: A source confirms that Michael is set to air the numerous voice-mail messages she’s left on Monday’s “Entertainment Tonight.”

“She has expressed to me that Lindsay is in dire, dire need of an intervention,” Michael said. “My lawyers told me to keep every single conversation - and I did.”

Who exactly is he trying to convince she’s an addict with all this? It’s not like the rest of the goddamn world doesn’t already know. If he really wants to reach his daughter, blathering on Maury and Entertainment Tonight isn’t going to cut it. He needs to put his message about knee-level in an L.A. nightclub’s men’s bathroom or on the bottom of a bottle of vodka. It’s the only way she’ll ever see it.

Leaving — you guessed it! — an L.A. nightclub last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The Quaid boys continued their quest to make mother proud this month, with Dennis “the Handsome one” narrowly avoiding a DUI last night after getting plastered at Phillipe restaurant. Wait, did I just say “narrowly avoiding a DUI?” Because I meant “being handed a fucking get out of jail free card by a kiss-ass L.A. cop.” TMZ says

The actor could have been hit with DUI since he did get behind the wheel of of his car while the motor was running and turned the wheel for a split second. ([Legally], if the motor is running and you’re behind the wheel, you can get busted for a DUI). Cops eventually told Quaid to get out of the car — and he took a cab home.

We’re told the decision to bust is at the officer’s discretion, which in this case, saved Quaid’s ass.

So the cops stopped him just in the nick of time. Good for them. Had it been you or me, they would have set up a road block a quarter mile down the road, put our ass in handcuffs and impounded our ‘79 Pinto. I guess that’s what we get for not starring in “Enemy Mine” and “Gorp.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says

The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.

When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”

When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”

Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Hi everybody, it’s Sonya today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and it may be the day after that too, it all really depends on whether or not Abby recovers from her week-long Bacchanalian romp.  Speaking of which, someone who’s very apparently had one too many nips at the cooking sherry, Ozzy Osbourne was tricked into rehab by his wife Sharon Osbourne. Says Now Magazine,

Ozzy Osbourne admits rehab was not what he expected.

The Black Sabbath legend was tricked into seeking treatment by wife Sharon, 56.

‘She said I think it’s where they teach you to drink properly,’ Ozzy tells Absolute Radio.

‘So I go to the Betty Ford Centre and think where’s the bar?

‘I thought it was going to be guys in smoking jackets and bow-ties with one leg crossed over the other, leaning against the bar, now stir the olive in your martini, take a sip, curl your moustache and have a ciggy - like a school of drinking.’

Tsk, tsk. It’s not nice to mess with mentally challenged people. That’s how I lost my job as a handicapped school bus driver after I had the kids perform a Chinese fire drill in the middle of a busy intersection. People are SUCH buzzkills.

At a book signing for his autobiography, “I Am Ozzy”

There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician - accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.

Mariah Carey was already shitfaced last night when she arrived at One Little West 12th in the wee hours of the morning to guzzle champagne with her entourage. Page Six says

According to a witness, Carey showed up to the restaurant at “1:30 a.m. and was quite out of it. When she exited her black Maybach, she tripped twice and had to grab hold of one of her guards so she wouldn’t fall. She ordered a bottle of champagne but she could barely speak.”

A source close to the singer tells Page Six, “She was probably wobbly because she was wearing 7-inch Louboutins. That’s tough to do.”

Yep, that’s it. Her feet were tired. Just like that time my head was tired and the cops tried to tell me I had blacked out and faceplanted on the sidewalk. Drunk and disorderly my ass! My head just needed a little rest was all. I’m pretty sure I had used it for a lot of thinking and stuff that day.

Jessica isn’t the only Simpson girl who likes her booze — little sister Ashlee got shit-faced at a nightclub over the weekend for the third time in two weeks. Pacific Coast News says

The slim “Melrose Place” star looked very tired as she left popular night spot [Bardot], stumbling on her way out. Ashlee’s friend helped the star out as she clambered into their car, making sure she kept Ashlee’s skirt under control so she didn’t suffer an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.

Boy, I sure wish I’d had my own personal leg closer back in college. It probably would’ve saved me a case of chlamydia and a couple of bastard children. Toss in professional hair-holder-backer/turn-her-on-her-side-so-she-doesn’t-aspirate-her-own-vomiter and I’d have been practically invincible freshman year.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

These pictures are totally cracking me up.  Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to see friend Jenny Lewis perform at the Hollywood Bowl last night, and Reese got drunk as shit.  Jenny Lewis helpfully escorted Reese outside, and when they got to the car Jake started out deeply confused and ended up pissed as hell.  All of his yelling is probably what woke Reese up from her nap.  He kept gettin’ his shout on as Reese stared off into space and thought about kittens riding unicorns across rainbows or some damn thing.  Hee!  Reese is an adorable drunk.

I stopped watching this video of Brooke Hogan after she gave her half-eaten apple a voice and made it pretend to sign her tit, but if you can make it past the four minute mark, you can learn all you ever needed to know about the finer points of eating an apple. Namely:

1. You need a tube of Aquaphor off your boyfriend’s table (apparently your significant other should have psoriasis or diaper rash)

2. Put the Aquaphor on your apple and smear some on your lips

3. Drink some cough medicine

Immediately following step three, you should make sure to double over with inane laughter and continue blathering like a goddamn loon, making sure that at no point are you even remotely funny in the slightest. Or as I like to call it, “blogging.” Trust me, it’s a lot harder than I make it look.

Stills from her new piece of crap video “Falling” from her new album “You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me No WAY Is That the Real Fucking Cover, Right?“:

Now that Lindsay Lohan’s dyed that man right out of her hair, she’s right back to her classic Lohan party tricks. Break out the Grey Goose and the knee pads, boys! OK! Magazine says

La Lohan’s night [began] around 1:45 a.m. at a birthday bash for producer/actor/party boy James Krisel. Lindsay was accompanied to the Hollywood Hills bash by five guys.

“People were pouring vodka into her red party cup all night,” a guest tells OK! “She was way beyond incoherent. She was totally smashed and couldn’t even form a sentence. She looked so lonely and lost.”

Not all of us consider being drunk to the point of obliteration and surrounded by a half a dozen horny guys an indication that we’re “lonely and lost.” Most of us actually consider that “our freshman and sophomore years of college.” I don’t know why everyone feels the need to mince words here.

Heading to a Beverly Hills’ lawyer’s office:

Husband Deryck Whibley was nowhere in sight when Avril Lavigne got shit-faced with a couple of girlfriends at My House in Hollywood last night. My sources tell me he was home pondering the faggy spelling of the name “Deryck” and the unfortunate connotations between “Whibley” and a flaccid penis.

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “wearing drunk goggles” before. Well, whatever Jude Law’s drinking must be the ocular equivalent of the fucking Hubble telescope, because those skanks are disgusting.

Getting wasted with some ugly fat chicks in London yesterday: