The Quaid boys continued their quest to make mother proud this month, with Dennis “the Handsome one” narrowly avoiding a DUI last night after getting plastered at Phillipe restaurant. Wait, did I just say “narrowly avoiding a DUI?” Because I meant “being handed a fucking get out of jail free card by a kiss-ass L.A. cop.” TMZ says
The actor could have been hit with DUI since he did get behind the wheel of of his car while the motor was running and turned the wheel for a split second. ([Legally], if the motor is running and you’re behind the wheel, you can get busted for a DUI). Cops eventually told Quaid to get out of the car — and he took a cab home.
We’re told the decision to bust is at the officer’s discretion, which in this case, saved Quaid’s ass.
So the cops stopped him just in the nick of time. Good for them. Had it been you or me, they would have set up a road block a quarter mile down the road, put our ass in handcuffs and impounded our ‘79 Pinto. I guess that’s what we get for not starring in “Enemy Mine” and “Gorp.”
Remember Mel Gibson’s 2006 DUI arrest where he went on an anti-Semetic tirade and called one of the arresting officers “sugartits?” No, you don’t, because it never happened. Cue the Dale Gribble “shh-shh-shah!” TMZ says
Mel Gibson’s 2006 DUI is now officially off his record… after Judge Lawrence Mira just signed legal documents in Malibu.
Mel’s lawyer, Blair Berk, requested the motion to dismiss on September 21 after Mel successfully completed the terms of his three-year probation.
Boy, if Lady Justice were a real person, that blindfold would have been yanked down into gag restraint and she’d be in the fetal position still bleeding from the anus. I’ve already lived through my wedding night once, thank you very much. No sense in subjecting the legal system to it, too.
Good news for all my Jack Bauer fans out there — Kiefer Sutherlandwon’t be going to jail for assaultingProenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala Tuesday night, even though he’s currently on probation stemming from his 2007 DUI arrest. According to the NY Daily News
Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault for the attack on designer Jack McCollough [and] will be issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor - meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.
Jail, no jail — whatever. I don’t think any of that really matters. What’s important here is that I would let Jack Bauer pound my ass like a Chinaman laying railroad ties. The end.
American Idol constestant Emily Wynne-Hughes, pictured above with fellow Go Betty Go bandmates and her flounder-esque ass, is the proud owner of an alcohol monitoring bracelet stemming from a DUI conviction last year. According to TMZ
Turns out Emily — the same tattooed chick who can’t seem to keep her pants on — has been ordered to wear a SCRAM bracelet.
The whole thing is over an arrest back in July, where cops busted her for allegedly driving drunk in West Hollywood. Emily copped a plea to a lesser charge of reckless driving. In addition to the bracelet, Emily was placed on 3 years probation.
It looks like we’ve got another Jessica Sierra on our hands! Not literally, of course. There’s not enough Clorox the world over to get that kind of stank off your mitts. You’d be better off lopping ‘em off and burning them in a turpentine fire.
BONUS: Video of Ryan Seacrest trying to high five the blind guy (Scott McIntyre):
Remember the show “Trading Spaces”? With the switching houses and the uglification and lowering of your friends’ and neighbours’ property values? Well anyway, Doug Wilson, one of the designers from that show, was arrested last night for DUI in Illinois. From E! Online:
According to a spokeswoman for the Decatur County Jail, Wilson was pulled over at approximately 1 a.m. after he failed to yield to a police vehicle, which had its lights and sirens wailing.
The cops took the interior designer into custody and charged him with all sorts of infractions: aggravated DUI, driving on a suspended license, failing to yield the right-of-way to an emergency vehicle and unlawful transportation of alcohol. He was booked into Decatur County Jail and released on $1,000 bond a few hours later.
I didn’t really like that lame “Trading Spaces” show and I barely remember who this dude even is, but this story is funny/not funny because seriously — what is with all these idiot celebrities tooling around wasted the week of New Year’s? Who does that? There are cops everywhere the week of New Year’s! It’s the worst time of year to engage in illegal vehicular shenanigans! Besides, famous people should have plenty of money to hire drivers every damn day of their lives, so I don’t understand why they’re always getting arrested for DUI. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that 98% of celebrities are functionally retarded.
Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI in Arizona last night. From People:
Police say they noticed Barkley, 45, running a stop sign in the Old Town section of Scottsdale at about 1:30 a.m. Officers pulled Barkley over, took him to a nearby mobile command post, and administered a blood test after declining to submit to a breath test, according to Gilbert, Ariz., police Lt. Eric Shuhandler.
Barkley was issued a citation for driving while impaired and released pending the results, which normally takes about a week, Shuhandler said.
I don’t really know much of anything about Charles Barkley because I don’t give a shit about basketball, but here’s the other noteworthy blurb from People’s story about this:
Barkley, who gained notoriety for a quick temper and blunt language during his years as an NBA player, represented the United States in the 1992 and 1996 Olympics. In October, he announced that he would be a candidate for governor of his home state of Alabama in 2014.
I see. This explains everything. An arrest record could only help someone running for public office in Alabama, after all.
I literally have no idea who the hell Ashley Van Dyke is, but she has a slutty MySpace, and I guess she drives a car or something. Oh, and she does it while drunk, apparently. According to TMZ:
Some chick named Ashley Van Dyke was busted on suspicion of DUI in Hollywood. Her fame status is considered “barely” at best — but she tried to use it to get out of trouble anyway.
Cops nailed the former one-time SPEED TV host in West Hollywood late Monday night when she refused to cooperate with a deputy who was directing traffic. But after she was pulled over, sources say she felt the need to tell cops, “…but I’m a race car driver!”
Didn’t matter — ’cause we’re told she failed the field sobriety test miserably and blew well over the legal BAC limit.
From now on, whenever anybody gets all up in my business asking inappropriate stuff like, “Could you please put a shirt on?” or, “Are you gonna pay for that?” I plan on responding with, “…but I’m a race car driver!” That’ll teach people to question my motives.
More slutty pictures from Ashley Van Dyke’s MySpace:
Although Shia LaBeouf was drunk the night of his accident, he was ultimately not responsible for the crash. TMZ says
Detectives have determined that the other driver in Shia’s bust-up Sunday morning ran a red light, and that person is responsible for the crash, not LaBeouf. “He was not at fault,” says L.A. Sheriff’s spokesman.
The spokesman went on to say, “He is also not at fault for ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.’ That unfortunate incident was all George Lucas’ doing. We will consider acts of vigilante justice as ‘civic duty.’ That goes double for Episode I.”
“Indiana Jones” and “Transformers” star Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI early Sunday morning after making an illegal left hand turn and plowing into an oncoming vehicle. Curiously, Shia was not breathalyzed at the scene, even though he reportedly stank of alcohol. TMZ reports
Shia faces misdemeanor DUI charges after he allegedly made an unsuccessful left turn in front of another car. Shia’s truck rolled and he sustained an injury to his left hand that required him to have surgery. A female riding with him and the male driver of the other car sustained minor injuries.
Law enforcement [say] Shia LaBeouf will not be booked on felony DUI charges — he’ll be cited and released on suspicion of DUI misdemeanor.
Fortunately for Shia, Super Faggy Facial Hair isn’t a class one misdemeanor, and you can’t legally charge people with Douchebaggery in the 3rd Degree. Believe me, I know. I’ve tried. You can’t even get a restraining order for “Gayest Name Ever Invented.” American justice is just an inherently flawed system.
