Justin Timberlake’s gone puss-swapping — he’s supposedly dumping girlfriend of three years Jessica Biel for singer Rihanna. Star Magazine says

After a hot grinding session at 1Oak’s MTV Video Music Awards bash in NYC, RiRi and JT moved to her hotel room, where they had a steamy, private after party! “Rihanna and Justin have been talking and texting on the phone nonstop since the VMAs,” said a source.

“Then at [the studio where the two are working on Rihanna’s new album], Justin was joking about strippers. He said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance!”

Justin has made it clear he is 100 percent into Rihanna, and she equally feels the magnetic attraction, says a source. “She is a total tease and loves flirting with him. She digs him and wants to date him too!”

Well, as long as he doesn’t bash her face in or bite her, he’s already doing better the last guy. That’s the great thing about battered women. They set the bar so low!

Rihanna in Venice:

Jessica Simpson’s ill-advised “Barbie and Ken” themed birthday party never came to fruition this past weekend because boyfriend Tony Romo found texts on her phone from ex John Mayer. According to Radar Online

“[Tony and Jessica] were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it,” the source revealed. “Tony found messages from John and went ballistic.”

While the couple has had their fair share of rocky patches during their relationship, the idea of Simpson possibly cheating with Mayer was the straw that broke the camel’s back: “Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it.”

Although she gets dumped more often than Jennifer Aniston, brave little Jess hasn’t given up on love just yet. She tweeted

“Barbie party didn’t happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling, ‘I love getting older! Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you.”

And if that doesn’t work, put it in a chokehold and smother it with Rocky Road ice cream. You can’t spell “desperate” without “ate,” you know!

Back when she was still hot:

After categorically denying it all weekend, Lindsay Lohan finally admitted that she and Samantha Ronson have split. She told E! Online

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.”

A “brief break,” was it? Because the way I remember it, Samantha changed the locks and physically barred you from attending any of her gigs. If that’s the case, then my robbing a pharmacy at gunpoint must just be a “brief break from the laws of civilized society” and my arsenal of prescription drugs must a “brief break from the constraints of reality.” Too bad the American penal system doesn’t see it your way, Lindsay.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is reporting that the Ronsons have requested a brief police-ordered break from Lindsay, or as the cops like to call it, a restraining order.

Pop Quiz: is this Lindsay Lohan, or her thirty years older whore of a mother? Make sure and show your work!

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

They’ve broken up and gotten back together like 400 times, but this time it might be really truly be over for Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Samantha reportedly changed the locks on her doors and even banned Lindsay from her DJ gig at Bar Marmont. According to OK! Magazine

Ronson had gone out of [her] way to insure [Lindsay] wouldn’t be able to get inside. Doormen were under strict instructions… to look out for Lindsay and not to let her in under any circumstances.

But just as expected, Linds still showed up, only to be “restrained from coming in by five security guards,” according to an onlooker. “Lindsay knew she was unwanted, but came anyway, to no avail.”

Nothing like being forcibly removed from a party to let you know that it’s really over between you and an ex. It’s so much more clear-cut than being forcibly removed from a party for, say, singing “Moon River” in broken Cantonese into a microphone you pirated from the bride’s grandmother and then relieving yourself in the champagne fountain in front of the ring bearer. You have to admit, there’s a lot open to interpretation there.

Now that he’s abandoned his wife and family, actress Sienna Miller has grown tired of Balthazar Getty and moved on to penis-ier pastures. Us Weekly says

“I’m single at the moment, and I’m completely happy with that,” she said Friday at the Hollywood Dominoes: VIP Launch in London. “It’s nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I’m cool with being on my own.”

Well, she might be cool with it, but I have a hunch her vagina isn’t. That thing can’t be stopped. It’s got a mind of its own. I give it a week before her labia unfurl like a couple Doc Ock arms to propel her through the street of downtown L.A. on a penis-hunting rampage, plowing over cars and smashing through windows in an attempt to grab savory males, then wielding them toward her puss with the intensity of an elephant using its trunk to stamp out a brush fire. Never before has carnage been so erotic! Rated R for nudity, sexual violence, and disturbing images.

At the Hollywood Dominos VIP launch in London Friday night: