What in the holy hell happened to Megan Fox? She showed up at the Golden Globes looking like she was fresh off a year in a concentration camp. And not just any concentration camp, but a concentration camp where they make you wear a hornet’s nest as a helmet while Ike Turner works out his anger issues on your face. The only way this makes any sense is if Brian Austin Green’s penis is really an evil amulet filled with poison and laxatives.
Wearing the latest in breast-binding rhinestone seatbelts:
There have been rumors going around for a while now that Angelina Jolie is suffering from anorexia, but I don’t believe it. I know for a fact she eats. Albeit mostly human brains and the occasional clump of dirt that winds up in her mouth when she’s clawing her way out of a grave, but still. Calories are calories, am I right?
This must be one of those elves that didn’t make it to Valinor. I bet they left her at Grey Havens and then laughed and high-fived each other as they sailed away to the Undying Lands.
“Sonny with a Chance” star Demi Lovato is the latest Disney whore-in-the-making to find herself in rehab. Loyal readers will remember I called this two years ago, the first time she was photographed with a bunch of cut marks on her wrists, and then again last year, when she was busted cutting a second time, probably because of the twenty extra pounds she was carrying in her face. So am I psychotic? Do I have ESPN? All signs point to yes! Star Magazine says:
“Demi Lovato left her [Camp Rock: The Final Jam tour with the Jonas Brothers] early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time,” her rep said in a statement. “Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. Demi and her family ask that the media please respect their privacy during this difficult time. She regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future.”
While it remains unclear what the emotional and physical issues are, the [the 18-year old] Disney darling has showed signs of cutting.
Also complicating matters, Demi is currently on tour with her ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas. They had previously been best friends before Joe dumped Demi.
As if that isn’t enough drama, one report states Demi recently got into a physical altercation with a female on tour with her.
She also was bullied in school as a child, struggled with eating disorders her entire life, and was deemed “the ugly one” in the new Disney Brat Pack by mean-spirited gossip bloggers. That’s just cruel. If anybody’s ugly in that group, it’s that one Jonas brother. And that one horse-faced chick with the weird chin. Oh… right. Never mind.
At the 2010 American Music Awards press conference two weeks ago:
In a new unauthorized biography set to hit the shelves next week, author Maureen Callahan suggests that pop superstar Lady Gaga suffers from a severe case of bulimia. I’m told this might alarm and dismay you if you actually cared about Lady Gaga. The NY Daily News says:
In “Poker Face: The Rise and Rise of Lady Gaga,” the singer’s former tour manager claimed the 24-year-old singer would scarf down unhealthy food and then stop eating for weeks to fit into her famous costumes.
At one point, she reportedly lost 20 pounds between fittings and was hospitalized six times last year over her dieting.
Rumors of a serious illness reached a fever pitch earlier this year after the singer canceled two gigs and appeared to collapse on stage during a gig in New Zealand.
Gaga said her jet lag was to blame for the collapse [and] denied she had an eating disorder.
Interestingly, Captain Bulimia appears on the cover of next month’s Japanese Vogue Homme draped in a meat bikini. I’m not sure what that means, exactly. Is it her way of negating those eating disorder accusations without making a formal statement? Is it political commentary on Western excess? An attack on the beef industry? Or just a way for me to talk about Lady Gaga’s big ol’ floppy meat curtains without actually having to reference her vagina? Ding ding ding ding ding!
If you didn’t think Sarah Jessica Parker could look any more repulsive than she did last week, you’ve grossly underestimated her hideousness. And speaking of hideousness, if you’re wondering why it is you can see every vein and sinew in her arm in the above photo, it’s because she’s topping the scales at a whopping ninety pounds. The Daily Mail says
The 45-year-old’s usually toned arms [have been] replaced by sinewy arms and bulging veins.
Friends are claiming she has become ‘obsessed’ with dieting and gym, leading her to drop even more pounds. “It’s normal for her to be at the gym for two hours every day as well as going for five-mile runs,” [said one source]. “And she’s eating as leanly as humanly possible.”
The 5ft 3in star is said to have dropped from [105 lbs] to [91lbs], meaning she has a BMI of just 16.1. [The minimum healthy range is 18.5].
If I saw something like that coming at me down the street, you’d better believe I’d grab a tire iron and whale on it like I was pounding a fucking tent post into the ground. I wouldn’t quit laying into it until it stopped twitching, and even then, I’d still jab it the eye with a stick a few times to make sure it was really dead. You never know when a zombie might attack. Hit first, ask questions later — that’s always always been my motto. Unless you’re black or an attractive female taking a shower, in which every horror movie ever made says you’re totally fucked no matter what you do. Sorry, but those are the rules.
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had a real job since “Labor Pains” went straight to DVD two years ago, but it hasn’t stopped her from spending money like a drunken sailor on shore leave. According to Radar Online
“Lindsay owes credit cards $600,000,” a source [revealed]. “One card cut her off last week and it’s only a matter of time before all her other credit cards cut her off too.”
Lohan used to make a good chunk of change by doing club appearances, but the invites are becoming sparse and the starlet gets only from $5,000 to $10,000 at most.
“One credit card company is going to discuss a payment plan for Lindsay,” the source continued. “But if she doesn’t have the income and can’t make her payments, they are prepared to sue her.”
Fortunately, she can always fall back on mass-releasing a sex tape. It’s Lindsay’s financial ace in the hole, as it were. The real fun will be seeing just how many “aces” wind up in her “hole” once the video finally hits the internet.
I’m sure you lay awake at night worrying about it, but now you can finally rest easy — Nicole Richie never actually had an eating disorder after all. The Daily Mail says
Nicole has come forward [in the March issue of Marie Claire UK] to reassure fans she has always been healthy [and] blast critics who had accused her of suffering from an eating disorder, [saying], “I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don’t. It’s extremely insulting and irresponsible.”
Nicole revealed she is naturally skinny and finds it difficult to put on weight. “When I was heavier, everyone said I was too heavy,” [she said]. “You can’t win in the public eye and I find it really hard. So I ignore it now, I really do.”
I guess “ignoring it” really means “discussing it at length it in a two-page article in a major women’s magazine with an international fan base.” Someone should really tell my ex-boyfriend that’s he’s been doing it all wrong for the last two months.
These pictures of Lake Bell at the L.A. premiere of “It’s Complicated” have raised an alarming question: is Lake Bell anorexic? Which leads us to another even more important question: who the fuck is Lake Bell? Unfortunately, we may never know.
Actress Kristin Chenoweth collapsed Sunday night at the Emmy Awards shortly after winning Outstanding Supporting Actress for her role in “Pushing Daisies.” Page Six says
Chenoweth suffered a crippling migraine and had to lie down in the Lipton Lounge backstage after collecting her award. A source said, “People rushed to help Kristin, but once the paramedics had arrived, she said she was embarrassed.” Her rep says Chenoweth is “feeling better.”
I was all prepared to say her “migraine” was really the result of puking up every other meal and constant coke binges (what is she, 90 pounds?), but it turns out Kristin has a well-documented case of Ménière’s disease, an inner-ear disorder which can cause vertigo, nausea and crippling headaches. Everyone knows that legitimate medical conditions are not very interesting, and if there’s one thing my brief stint writing for the New York Times taught me, it’s that lying is awesome. And also that Republicans are the devil. Therefore, “Kristin Chenoweth is an anorexic meth addict on the verge of complete self-destruction, possibly voted for George Bush!” And you can quote me on that.
Tori Spelling has repeatedly denied that she suffers from an eating disorder, but it’s pretty apparent from these pictures that she’s a full-blown anorexic. For Chrissakes, look at her arms. Gross. I’ve seen starving horses pulled out of makeshift barns on “Animal Precinct” that didn’t look that disgusting.
