If you think there’s a better way to kick-start your Fourth of July weekend celebration than with news of Lindsay Lohan getting punched in the face on her birthday, then you should probably go check your basement, because there’s a good chance the floorboards are packed with fertilizer and nitromethane because you hate America and everything it stands for. Fucking terrorist. Us Magazine says:

Lindsay Lohan was punched by a waitress at L.A. club Voyeur early Friday morning — her 24th birthday.

“A waitress just hit me – punched me for no reason,” the actress Twittered around 1 a.m.

[A witness at the club said], “The waitress has a history with Doug Reinhardt, and Lohan was hanging out with him. She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! [Then] Lohan ran out.”

The night didn’t get better from there.

Lohan went to a party at the nearby Rockstar House — and ran into the waitress again!

“Lohan showed up and cried because the waitress was there as well,” says another source. “Some birthday.”

The only way this story gets any better is if there were boobs. And hey, what do you know? Ashley Greene and her boobs at the UK premiere of Eclipse! Praise Lady Liberty, it’s a Fourth of July miracle!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Okay, you closet Twitards, you’re about to cream your little sparkle pants because here is a peek up Kristen Stewart’s skirt. Or maybe it’s not her underwear at all, that could be The Real Thing.  She’s so damn pale, that could literally be the place where the sun don’t shine.

At an Eclipse Q & A session in Sydney:

Robert Pattinson was at the BAFTAs yesterday for some inexplicable reason, and I’m pretty sure his swamp ass left an oil slick on the red carpet.  Seriously, I know this idiot has a history of general disdain for basic personal hygiene, but god DAMN.  I bet you could deep fry a turkey in the skuzz you’d get if you wrung out his hair.

Robert Pattinson at Sunday’s BAFTAs:

The sound you hear is the panicked screaming of eight million Twihards.  But settle down spazatrons, because Taylor Lautner isn’t actually dead.  From E!:

In a career milestone achieved by only a select few (and Jaleel White), Twilight Saga star Taylor Lautner has become the victim of his very own Internet death hoax.

Take that, Robert Pattinson.

No, Lautner’s not really dead. A rep for Summit Entertainment tells E! News, “I am almost 100-percent positive this is a hoax.” (After double-checking with the home office in Hollywood, the rep confirmed this was indeed a hoax.)

Besides, unless our favorite werewolf doubles as a zombie, he’ll be presenting in the flesh at Sunday’s Golden Globe Awards, organizers announced today.

Well, that’s a shame.  Now that Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled, I have no use at all for Taylor Lautner so he may as well be dead for realsies.  His demise would probably cause heart attacks in at least half of those creepy Twimums, so it would be an humanitarian effort, really.

Ashley Greene is everywhere lately because ain’t no escaping any o’ them Twilight fools, but at least she’s better than Kristen Stewart.  Ashley doesn’t incessantly bite her lip like she’s trying to eat her own face from the inside out, and she also generally looks like she washes her hair at least once a week.  More importantly, Ashley has been slutting it up as hard as she can recently, which makes my job easier because you pervs are insatiable and it’s winter and the only other ladies flitting around half naked today are Victoria Silvstedt, who is an actual whore (as in literally a prostitute) and Rachel Zoe, who looks like she’s been dead since about 2006.

More photos from Ashley Greene’s “skinsuit” body paint shoot for SoBe Life Water, which will be featured in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (you can see a video of the shoot here):

This is Ashley Greene in a body paint “skinsuit” on the Turks and Caicos islands for a new SoBe commercial.  Photos from the shoot will appear in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

The 22-year-old actress modeled two of make-up artist Joanne Gair’s hand-painted SoBe skinsuits which were inspired by the new, exotic SoBe Lifewater 0 calorie flavors — Cherimoya Punch and Strawberry Dragonfruit. The skinsuits take their design cues from the SoBe bottles – from the painted scales right down to SoBe’s signature lizard.

Ashley shared, “Being a part of the SoBe skinsuit shoot in the Turks and Caicos was amazing. It took the artist 12 hours to paint the SoBe scales on each skinsuit, but it was totally worth it. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.”

Oh and hey, if you like half-naked ladies and gambling (and who doesn’t?) you can enter SoBe’s “Zero Calories, Zero Inhibitions Vegas Sweepstakes” which runs from now until Friday, January 29 on SoBe.com. One winner and three friends will receive tickets to the invite-only 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition launch in Las Vegas.

Ashley Greene (of the Twilight movies) went to a New Year’s party, and somehow the personal photos she took at the party ended up on the webernets.  Maybe because she’s an attention whore and she leaked them herself, or maybe one of her friends is a moneygrubbing backstabber who sold them, or JUST MAYBE it’s because you were a very good camper all last year and Santa brought you a belated surprise.  I guess Santa’s kind of a prude, though, because these pictures are really tame.  Or maybe Ashley learned her lesson after the last time some of her pictures got leaked, and now she keeps her clothes on.  I bet she even takes baths in footie pajamas.

Supposedly, Twilight retards Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent New Year’s Eve together on the Isle of Wight.  From Star:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart rang in 2010 together in England’s Isle of Wight.

The stars of Twilight were spotted bundled up in hoodies shopping on the island off England’s south coast and even took pics with a fan, according to reports.

Rob spent the holidays in his native London where he celebrated Christmas with his family so it’s no surprise his costar — who he’s had an on-and-off again romance with — would join him to usher in the new year!

Now, keep in mind that this is from Star, so there’s at least an 85% chance this story is entirely made up and the “reports” came from a talking badger and a bag of hashish.  But still, there is a remote possibility that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may have spent a day shopping on the same island, and maybe they were both wearing sweatshirts.  Oh mah gawd, y’all… can you feel the romance?  The passion?  The excitement? Yeah, me neither.  I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point, and now my whole left side is numb.

In some kind of ass-backwards attempt to convince us that Robert Pattinson isn’t smelly and disgusting, Bryce Dallas Howard told New York Magazine that his teeth are so brittle and rotten that they fall apart when string touches them.  From E!:

Apparently, using dental floss can be dangerous. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

The Twilight hunk supposedly chipped his tooth making sure he had healthy gums and could properly deny reports of being stinky, according to Eclipse costar Bryce Dallas Howard.

“Actually, he’s incredibly hygienic,” the actress told New York magazine at the premiere of her latest film, The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. “He told me this story that made me crack up. He was like, ‘Oh, I have to go to the dentist.’ And I was like, ‘Oh no, what happened? Just a checkup?’ And he was like, ‘No, I chipped a tooth.’ And I was like, ‘How?’ And he was like, ‘Flossing.’ ”

Before she could be handed an award for storytelling, she admitted, “I don’t even floss. So he’s hygienic. Trust me.”

Um… whatever, crazy lady.  Normal people’s teeth don’t fall apart during flossing, so I’m still pretty secure in my belief that Robert Pattinson is gross.  Also, it’s pretty gross that Bryce Dallas Howard doesn’t floss.  Is there anyone from the cast of Twilight who isn’t gross?  Jesus, it’s like everyone who gets within a square mile of that franchise just gives up on life and starts behaving like a vagrant.