Now that her divorce from Tiger Woods is final, Elin Nordegren has broken her nine-month silence in an exclusive 19-hour sit-down with People magazine:

“I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie?” says the 30-year-old mother of two. “But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”

Elin, who is studying towards a college degree in psychology, says [of] her husband’s betrayal: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. When all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”

She tells the magazine this was her first – and last – interview, as she intends to remain a private person.

Ultimately, though — even though I’m sure she’s found some satisfaction in her ex’s public derision and the complete dismantling of his once-marketable image (and its subsequent effect on his golf game) — nothing has given her more joy than the watching the Dwarf Elephant-unicorn hybrids frolicking in her diamond gardens from high atop the space station she had constructed out of platinum and lined with Mongolian cashmere and c-notes. “I find natural fibers breathe a bit better,” she’s quoted as saying.

It’s official — Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are legally divorced. Yahoo News says:

Tiger Woods and his wife officially divorced Monday, nine months after his middle-of-the-night car crash outside his home set off shocking revelations that golf’s biggest star had been cheating on his wife. The couple had married in October 2004 in Barbados and have two children, 3 and 1.

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future,” they said in a statement released by attorneys. “While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”

Terms of the divorce were not released, except that they will “share parenting” of their 3-year-old daughter, Sam, and 19-month-old son, Charlie.

Well, I guess this was a long time coming. Elin might be a Swedish swimsuit model with a rack sculpted by the hand of God himself, but she’s no Perkin’s waitress. She doesn’t even have a real spiral perm or any facial moles or anything. Honestly, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.

I repeat, NOT a Perkins waitress:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

As part of his sex rehabilitation, Tiger Woods was forced to write down the list of the names of the nearly 120 women he porked behind his wife Elin Nordegren’s back during their five-year marriage. But there was one woman he “forgot” to put on the list — the 21-year old daughter of his and Elin’s next-door neighbor. Fortunately, the Enquirer was there to help refresh his memory. The Daily Mail

The Enquirer claimed [Elin] decided to sign divorce papers after learning [about] Woods’ alleged fling with Raychel Coudriet, whom he is said to have known since she was just 14.

The golfer is alleged to have listed all the women he bedded as part of his treatment for sex addiction at the Gentle Path rehab center earlier this year, [but] left his young neighbor off the list.

After learning of the Enquirer’s claim, a furious Ms Nordegren called Woods while he was having dinner with friends following the U.S. masters.

“She was screaming so loudly that everyone at the table could hear what she was saying,” a source told the magazine. [She yelled], “This is the worst betrayal ever. I can’t believe you had sex with that girl in our own neighborhood. That’s it – I’m divorcing you!”

I’m glad Elin finally decided to draw the line somewhere. Maybe not at the diner waitresses, or the strippers, or the porn stars, or the hookers, but the point is, she still drew the line. Even if that line happens to be the bottom half of an arrow pointing at the word “chump” directly underneath her picture.

While Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren joined her husband at Mississippi-based sex rehabilitation clinic Gentle Path over the weekend as part of his “intensive recovery program,” new reports of yet another of Woods’ mistresses surfaced — number 19 for those keeping count — who was still in contact with Tiger as recently as three weeks ago (see photo of her here). The Daily Mail says

Mother-of-two Emma Rotherham, 42, was paid more than [$600,000] hush money to keep quiet about their affair.

She agreed to sign a confidentiality agreement after a member of the golfer’s security team handed her a sports bag stuffed with half-a-million dollars in $100 bills.

A source [revealed], “Emma was his most recent mistress. They had a very, very passionate relationship and she has dozens of text messages and emails from him. Some were even sent while Tiger was trying to patch things up with his wife. If those came out, they’d bury him.”

Not only will the wifey be interested in all this — it appears the Internal Revenue Service wants a hand in it, too:

A federal tax inspector said: “Any large financial gift must be declared to the IRS, otherwise it will be dealt with as tax evasion.

This is a very high profile case, so I suspect when [Ms. Rotherham] files her tax return this year, they will be looking out for any large donation from an outside source.

Failure to declare this money would be considered an offense. The same applies to the person who made the donation, [in this case, Tiger Woods].”

Wait, they’re saying you have to report large duffel bags full of cash to the IRS? Well, I guess demanding payment in unmarked non-sequential bills is kinda pointless, then. Good to know. Colombian drug cartels and mafia dons, you might want to go ahead and start stocking up on 1040EZ forms now. April 15th will be here before you know it!

One of his other mistresses, Jamiee Grubbs, at a charity event last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

So, remember how everyone was shocked and appalled to find out that straightlaced Tiger Woods was actually a deranged sex maniac?  It turns out that it really wasn’t so surprising, and he’s just been hiding his freak light under a bushel for over a decade.  From the NY Daily News:

Showing off his guns and abs and glaring at the camera, Woods looks nothing like the good guy of the greens in the Annie Liebowitz shot gracing the February cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair.

The menacing shot – never before seen – was taken in January 2006, long before the world learned the married father of two cheated on his wife with as many as a dozen women.

In the accompanying article, Buzz Bissinger interviews some of the reporters who covered Woods for years to find out how the golf great kept his catting around under wraps for so long.

Bissinger also revisits the embarrassing interview that a then-21-year-old Woods gave to Charles Pierce of GQ magazine in 1997. Woods joked about lesbian sex and the endowments of black athletes – the kind of gaffe he never repeated once he signed with super agent Mark Steinberg.

Really?  How embarrassing could it have been?  Oh wait, hang on to your hats.  From Us:

At one point, Woods said during the tape recorded interview: “What I can’t figure out is why so many good-looking women hang around baseball and basketball. Is it because, you know, people always say that, like, black guys have big dicks?”

Bissinger notes that during a photo shoot — “where four women attended to his every need and flirted with him as he flirted back” — Woods told a joke. He rubbed the tips of his shoes together and then asked the women, “What’s this?” Woods then replied. “It’s a black guy taking off his condom.”

Woods also cracked that lesbians are “faster” at sex than gay men because women “are always going 69,” Bissinger notes.

Bissinger writes that the interview “was the only honest and open one Woods has ever given. After that the steel wall of insulation came down, spearheaded by I.M.G.,” his agency.

Okay, that’s pretty goddamn embarrassing, but meh, whatever about all of that.  It ain’t news that Tiger Woods is a philandering asshole.  What I wanna talk about is why Annie Liebowitz apparently photographed him during a prison yard workout.  Also, EW, GROSS.  Put your shirt back on, Tiger.  There’s something strange and off-putting going on with your moobs, you’ve kinda got a gut, and your nipple hair tufts are freaking me out.  You look like my grandpa, and he’s about 190 years old and I’d rather scoop out my eyes with a melon baller than see him with his shirt off.

Anyway, the NY Daily News article goes on to say that Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, is currently off frolicking in the French Alps, avoiding his ass and writing up Excel spreadsheets detailing the many, many ways in which she will be spending his money in the years to come.

Tiger Woods hasn’t been seen since publicly since his Thanksgiving night accident, but not because of an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment — it’s because wife Elin Nordegren went and busted out all his fronts before he drove his car into a tree. Star Magazine says

“Elin confronted him about texting Rachel [Uchitel] and flew into a rage,” a source close to Tiger tells Star. “She apparently threw the phone at his mouth and broke one of his teeth.”

The incident didn’t stop with the dental damage, either.

Elin then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage,” the source continues. “He ran out to the car barefoot to get away from her and was in such a state of panic that he crashed.”

Another insider confirms Tiger’s tooth trauma,” Elin went psycho that night. He couldn’t make an appearance in public after that. He was scared for his life.”

Well, to be fair, his teeth take up about 70% of his entire goddamn face, so it’d be hard not to hit him square in incisors when throwing something at his head. You’d have a harder time not hitting one of his 500 chompers than you would breaking out a couple with your cell phone.

And now, for a remarkably accurate reenactment of events:

Everyone’s speculating on the state of Tiger Woods’ marriage (there’s even a site where you can bet on how long it lasts), but I can personally guarantee you Elin Nordegren isn’t going anywhere. Not for five more years, anyway. According to Us Weekly

The reason Nordegren isn’t leaving her 33-year-old pro golfer husband [is the] “hefty seven-figure amount” of money promised to her if she stays.

The couple have been married five years, and according to their current agreement, they need to remain married for 10 years in order for Nordegren to collect a divorce settlement of $20 million.

[But per her demands], the updated prenup would likely be revised with a shortened marriage timeframe and a higher dollar amount.

Isn’t putting a price tag on love was considered prostitution by most courts of law? That’s how the arresting officer explained it to me, anyway. Bastards.

UPDATE: The Daily Beast is reporting that Elin will be awarded $80 million if she sticks it out with Tiger for another 7 years. Given that figure, you could do the math and you’d realize that Tiger spent $26.5 million a piece on each of the three women he banged. $26.5 million. Talk about overpaying! I have a hunch he could’ve had that Jaimee Grubbs chick for fourteen bucks and a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Golf sensation Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident over the weekend after driving his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree at two in the morning. He issued the following statement on his official website:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

What “false and malicious” rumors is he talking about, you ask? Namely, that he was caught cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren with some floozy named Rachel Uchitel, and that the “accident” was more of “Elin chasing him down the driveway with a golf club and bashing out the back windshield before he hit the hydrant” kind of situation. According to TMZ

Tiger Woods did not suffer facial lacerations from a car accident. They were inflicted by his wife, Elin Nordegren.

We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and she scratched his face up. It was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

We’re told Woods became “distracted,” thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree.

And further corroborating the second version of events is his telling a friend he needed the “Kobe special” to make things right with his wife. TMZ adds

During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him. Tiger told the friend his wife had scratched his face up during an argument over a report that the golf great had cheated on her.

Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’”

The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”

The Kobe reference is the now-famous house/ring he gave his wife Vanessa after [his infidelities were made public].

So that’s the Kobe Special? I thought it was “clamping your hand over a white girl’s mouth while using your knee to pry her legs apart.” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how that was going to help matters for him. The other definition makes a whole lot more sense.