I remember a time when people still thought Sacha Baron Cohen was funny. I also remember a time when I could make love to a man without compulsively pulling out all my eyelashes the next morning. Unfortunately for both of us, that day was not today.

Promoting “The Dictator” in Cannes by having Elisabetta Canalis pretend to laugh at his wiener and kick him in the nads so he can pretend to toss her dead body overboard in a garbage bag (more pics after the jump):

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Like a paper cut to the taint of all things explainable, George Clooney’s ex-girfriend Elisabetta Canalis is now dating “Jackass” star Steve-O. You’ll remember Steve-O from such favorites as “Fart Mask” and “Butt Fireworks.” I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen the photo myself. TMZ says:

The mystery is over … Steve-O and Elisabetta Canalis are DEFINITELY more than friends … and yesterday they engaged in a little mouth-on-mouth PDA to prove it.

Going from George Clooney to Steve-O is like trading in your Lotus for a fucking rickshaw pulled by a one-armed blind man. I don’t know how something like this even happens. I’m guessing some sort of Russian mind-control drug or a partial lobotomy.

Eternal bachelor George Clooney and his Italian model girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have gone their separate ways after nearly two years together. Maybe he no like-a the juice, eh? According to Us Magazine:

“We are not together anymore,” [Clooney and Canalis said] in a joint statement. “It’s very difficult and very personal and we hope everyone can respect our privacy.”

Clooney [recently said] that he wouldn’t wed again — not Canalis or anyone, for that matter — [but] Canalis seemed less averse to walking down the aisle.

“I am a firm believer in marriage,” she told Chi. “In the future I will be married, but for the time being I am happy as I am,” she says. “I don’t need anything to confirm how happy I am.”

I’ll tell you why Clooney dumped her. Clooney dumped her because everybody knows models have a maximum shelf life of two years from the date of purchase. It’s just like with a carton of milk. Any longer than that and they both start to sour and turn into cottage cheese.

At amfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS Gala last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

George Clooney’s latest piece of ass Elizabetta Canalis allowed PETA to release unretouched nude photos of her for their latest anti-fur campaign. The Daily Mail says:

The 32-year-old model and TV host stripped off for the charity’s latest anti-fur adverts in which she posed completely naked in front of a simple blue background.

‘I think this is the best reason why I got naked in my life,’ Elisabetta said.

That is a good reason to get naked. As opposed to getting naked because — oh, I dunno… let’s say because you’re so drunk you’ve soiled yourself and your husband refuses to let you in the house unless you hose yourself down in the front yard first. Now that would be a bad reason to get naked. I learned that lesson the hard way last Cinco de Mayo.

I was gonna write some words about Elisabetta Canalis’ super hot Roberto Cavalli ads, but I find that a deep guttural moan that emanates from your loins really does the job better than I ever could.

Reason #4,865 George Clooney is better than you: he gets to have sex with this. The guy’s a fucking legend, man. Really. I bow down. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actually God who won’t say George Clooney’s name in vain.

Elisabetta Canalis. In a bikini. Stretching:

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Olympic gold medalist and ‘Can’t Miss Kid’ Jennifer Capriati was taken to a hospital this morning after an apparent drug overdose. It is still unclear whether the overdose was accidental or a suicide attempt. TMZ says:

Former teen tennis star Jennifer Capriati was rushed to the hospital early this morning after paramedics responded to a call for a possible overdose.

The call came from a hotel in Riviera Beach, FL. Capriati was transported to a nearby hospital.

Jennifer’s father tells us she’s recovering well.

In more important news, George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis took a boat ride with a bunch of her sexy girlfriends in a ridiculously tiny bathing suit yesterday. So the question is, do you want to talk intrigue, excitement, and hot chicks in thongs, or do you want to talk about a washed-up tennis star and her sad feelings? Before you answer, you should know that was really more of a rhetorical question. All I have are pics Canalis’ sweet, sweet ass. If you want to complain about it, I’m sure imahugefag.com will be more than happy to assist you in your quest.

Viva il culo!:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

You and I weren’t the only ones sneaking booze around last night — George Clooney had a secret stash of the good stuff at Sunday’s Academy Awards. E! Online says

George Clooney was hiding a secret on the red carpet — a flask!

[At one point during the night], George… opened his tux jacket. And there, gleaming and looking awfully deliciously discreet, was a silver flask.

Oh, come on — who among us hasn’t sneaked in a flask of whiskey to a boring social event? Or to a job interview, for that matter? A niece’s bat mitzvah? Parent teacher conference? Intensive care unit at a burn ward? You know what they say — if I had a nickel for every time I went somewhere with a flask, well, then, I’d be the happiest goddamn woman on the planet. I’ve been searching and searching for a job where I get paid to get drunk all day long. Blogging is just the closest I’ve gotten so far.

With girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis at the Oscars (thumbs 1 &2); him with a decent haircut and her in a better dress at the “Up in the Air” premiere (the rest):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

George Clooney’s latest piece Elisabetta Canalis strips down to her undies in the January issue of German FHM. God damn. I think it’s safe to say at this point that the only person who has had more asses in his lap than George Clooney is Santa Claus.

One more from FHM, plus a couple from the November issue of Maxim:

Someone* sent me these pictures of what is supposed to be George Clooney’s new girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis topless. Now, I can’t vouch for their authenticity, because half the pictures don’t even look like the same girl and her nipples look completely different in every shot. I’m talking size, color, Montgomery tubercles density — the works. But one thing I do know is that she played a nun who shows her tits in some movie called “Virgin Territory,” and frankly, that’s all the proof I needed to go ahead and run with it. Also, there were boobs. If it’s fancy “accuracy” and “facts” you want, I’m pretty sure that dude from PBS has a blog.

_{*Alert reader DeezNuts. Thank you from the back of my tonsils!}

George Clooney’s new girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis has the kind of body that makes grown men weep like a baby. Presumably so they can use their own tears as lubricant while they’re jerking off in front of a computer. Have at it, boys!

Fifteen reasons George is better than you:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin