DT magazine has some kind of pinup theme for their April ‘09 issue, apparently.  I didn’t actually read any of the details, because it was all in Spanish and my Spanish is approximately at the level of a remedial toddler from Cordoba.  Hell, I’m barely even literate in English.  I don’t know what you bitches want from me.  Just shut up and look at the pictures of ladies in lingerie.

The header image is Molly Sims.  Below, from left to right: Kate Hudson, Cindy Crawford, Elisha Cuthbert, Kate Walsh and Jennifer Morrison.

The National Hockey League has suspended Sean Avery for insulting a fellow hockey player dating Avery’s ex, actress Elisha Cuthbert. According to TMZ

Cuthbert’s new boyfriend, Dion Phaneuf, plays for the Calgary Flames — and during a practice session in Calgary today, Avery got the media’s attention and said the following: “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about. Enjoy the game tonight.”

Avery is out pending a hearing with NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

There’s just something about the term “sloppy seconds.” Avery’d be on the ice right now had he just had the decency to call her a “used-up whore” or “the old dick polisher.” “Sloppy seconds” just crosses a line. It makes you think about Sloppy Joe’s, and Sloppy Joe’s are disgusting, and then you also think “vagina,” (because, really — when aren’t you thinking “vagina?”) and you get this horrible Sloppy-Joe-vagina image seared into your brain, only it’s oozing some other dude’s jism and partially coagulated KY Warming Jelly instead of tomato sauce and meat paste. Sloppy seconds, indeed. You know, people should really be punished for putting those kinds of unholy images in your head. It’s just disgusting.

With boyfriend Dion Phaneuf earlier this summer:

Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!

Britney Spears has been getting an awful lot of attention lately, so Paris Hilton decided to swing the limelight her way with a fake lesbian make-out session with “House of Wax” co-star Elisha Cuthbert. Page Six says

Revelers at Tenjune in the Meatpacking District Tuesday night spotted Paris making out with “24″ star Elisha Cuthbert. “They were drinking and dancing, and all of suddenly they just started kissing,” said the onlooker who told us the liplock lasted “about a minute.” Cuthbert’s rep denies the story, although several witnesses confirmed they saw the face-suck.

That’s one of those things that sounds sexy until you get up close. Sorry, but those two are just gross. Paris Hilton looks like a combination of the Goon from Popeye and claymation Gumby and Elisha Cuthbert might as well be my seventh grade gym teacher with that haircut. It’s just like that time I rented this flick called “From Pole to Pole” and ended up with a documentary about the Earth’s inconstant magnetic field instead of the penis-fest I was expecting. Needless to say, I won’t be hitting up PBS for porn anymore. That goes double for the Discovery Channel and TLC. “Wild Down Under” my ass.

Paris arriving at the TRL Tuesday and Elisha shopping at Bristol Farms over the weekend: