Well, look who’s on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine! It’s Carrie Bradshaw, patron saint of wannabe fashionistas everywhere. I guess being perceived as a clotheshorse has really paid off for Sarah Jessica Parker. God knows it has to be better than just being perceived as a regular horse like before. Zing!

In Equistrian Monthly Bridle & Bit the December issue of Elle:

Trying to pick which Cruz sister is hotter is like trying to decide between having bacon or sausage for breakfast. You know it’s all from the same delicious animal… but still. Any fried meat enthusiast worth his weight in Lipitor would say the only real solution is to wrap the bacon around the sausage and stuff it in with both hands. So bon appétit, perverts!

Monica Cruz in Spanish Elle:

Penelope Cruz in Vanity Fair:

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself hundreds of times, “What can I do to get Pamela Anderson’s sparkling peaches and cream complexion?” Well, contracting Hepatitis C is a good start, but it takes more than just a viral disease to get that kind of glow. She tells next month’s Elle Magazine

“What does it take to look like me? Not much. I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t have a skincare program. I have no dermatologist and no cosmetic surgeon. Nothing’s been shot into this face.”

Nothing except six or seven pints of spooge, of course. But don’t push yourself — it took her forty years to achieve that kind of seminal volume. Just keep on sucking random dick, hit the tanning bed four or five times a day, drink tequila straight out of the bottle and practice juggling with dirty needles, and eventually, your skin will look like hers. I promise!

More of that gorgeous visage:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture of 24-year old Lily Allen sucking her thumb in next month’s issue of Elle magazine was the time my Uncle Lloyd got wasted at my sister’s wedding and finished his toast with, “Wanna know what the best thing about having sex with twenty-four year olds is? That there’s twenty of ‘em! Ha hahaha ha!” That was also the same year my Aunt Tina got arrested for stabbing him in the neck with a lawn dart at a pee-wee football game. True fucking story. Really, you can’t make this shit up.

Jennifer Aniston’s massive spread in next month’s Elle magazine is accompanied by her infamous self-proclaimed-perennially-lovelorn-poster-child-for-failed-relationships interview, but all that’s about to change. And then inevitably come crashing down around her. Nine MSN says

Jennifer Aniston isn’t wasting any time crying over what might have been — she’s too busy pashing Gerard Butler on the set of her new movie… after the cameras stopped rolling!

A source on the set of The Bounty Hunter has spotted Jen and her co-star stealing kisses and acting “lovey dovey” between takes while shooting a fight scene.

The source also claims the pair have been regularly sneaking off to Jen’s trailer together and trying their hardest to keep the romance under wraps.

I don’t speak Australian, but “pashing” must be down under slang for “staring at him while he sleeps while rubbing her uterus with a Loa Serpent charm and the afterbirth of a formerly pregnant ewe.” It’s a very rich and colorful language.

Bonus pics of her throwing popcorn at her new boyfriend on the set of “The Bounty”:

Britney Spears might have cleaned up her act, but don’t expect her to wipe or wear a tampon anytime soon. According to Page Six

The pop tart took time off from her “Circus” tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn’t pretty.”

God, this bitch is disgusting. I bet it’d take a goddamn potato peeler to get her stank off your genitals.

Rihanna in Kanye West’s new video because she won’t make you think about uterine sloughing:

Jennifer Aniston says she is tired of playing the proverbial girl-next-door role — she’s set her sights on being cast as a Bond girl. She told Elle magazine

“I get offered funny, quirky, pretty roles. I’d love to do an action movie. James Bond. Glamour. Daniel Craig. Shitloads of fun.”

Hey, you know who else did a really great action/adventure movie? Brad and Angelina in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Maybe they could offer her a role in the sequel.

Jennifer promoting “Marley and Me” in London with Owen Wilson: