There are reports this morning that Mel Gibson’s mistress Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to his bastard child. Mazel Tov! Maybe they’ll call her “Sugartits.” Radar Online says
It’s official – Mel Gibson is an Octo-Dad!
Mel’s fiancé Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to their baby. And pass out the cigars because it’s a healthy baby girl.
And because Mel’s Russian lady-friend looks like she should be trolling the shores of a lake looking for children to boil in her cauldron or bake in her gingerbread oven, here’s Gwen Stefani dresses as Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl from Toy Story 2. Or possibly as anybody from Texas. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference most of the time.
Paula Abdul dressed up as her American Idol replacement Ellen Degeneres on last night’s Vh1 Divas Live, and it’s almost impossible to pinpoint the most shameful part of the performance, because there’s just so fucking many. Right out the door, at the 13 second mark, she emphatically lipsyncs words that aren’t there. Then there’s the 55 second mark, when she totally airballs an audience high-five. Not even close. But the worse part has to be the 1:25 mark, when she wraps up the dancing, plops down in the chair and says, “What are you all looking at? Can’t a girl try out a new job?”… and nobody laughs. Not for like five seconds. Then there’s some confused woo-ing and a smattering of applause, like they’re not sure what to do. Then she wraps that up with the 1:37 air-punch and the “hand telephone.” It’s like the television equivalent of hemorrhoid surgery. It’s that fucking painful to watch.
Bonus: Jennifer Aniston serenading the real Ellen on her show yesterday:
File this one under “TMI”. Naomi Watts revealed to Ellen Degeneres that her boyfriend and father to her kids, Liev Schreiber, wouldn’t mind strapping on fake titties to feed their 2 month old son. US Magazine reports,
Naomi Watts can’t complain that her beau, Liev Schreiber, isn’t up for daddy duty.
“Liev is a very hands-on dad,” Watts tells Ellen DeGeneres of the couple’s two sons — Alexander, 1, and Samuel, 2 months.
Although Schreiber helps as much as possible, there’s one thing he can’t do.
“He does take care of Sasha [their nickname for Alexander] in the night, but he can’t do Sammy because I’m breastfeeding,” she says. “Although with the first one, he was like, ‘I want the man boob.’”
Maybe he could hookup a contraption like this:
Technically, men CAN breastfeed. Don’t believe me? Google it. I did, and I’m very, very sorry.
I bet Liev’s friends are going to have a field day with this one.
Here’s an enchanting video clip of Miley Cyrus on “The Ellen Degeneres Show”. It’s painful to watch Miley spasdically giggling and flopping around in her chair when Ellen starts questioning her relationship with 20 year-old Justin Gaston. Aside from it being a crime for a man to have sex with an underage girl, I think having sex with an underage girl who’s also mentally disabled probably earns you a place on the expressway to hell.
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been announced as the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. E Online reports
The Emmy-winning daytime queen… will star in a new print and commercial ad campaign that’s rolling out in January. [DeGeneres said], “I am very, very excited about it. It’s a very cool thing, I’m honored, and the photo shoot was ‘Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, CoverGirl.’ “
Cover Girl is really trying to cover all the bases here. They’ve got Drew Barrymore for the white women, Rihanna for black women, Queen Latifah for fat women, and now Ellen DeGeneres for middle-aged lesbians. But what about dyslexic Mongolian power lifters? How long will that target demographic be ignored? It’s time that cosmetic companies started catering to the learning-disabled barbell-wielding women of East-Central Asia! We will not be ignored!
Megan Fox at the L.A. premier of Eagle Eye yesterday because she’s not middle-aged and ugly like some cover girls I know:
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi finally made it official over the weekend. Their spokesperson told People Magazine
“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles. DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, both wore Zac Posen and exchanged rings by Neil Lane during the Saturday ceremony.
The intimate ceremony was attended by 19 guests who witnessed the couple exchange handwritten vows.”
I suppose the eternal love and together foreverness is alright, but once two lesbians are legally bound and cohabiting, they lose a lot of freedoms they for granted. Namely, the freedom to ask, “Your face or mine tonight?” I swear, that never gets old!
In the wake of the California Supreme Court overturning the state’s ban on gay marriage, talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has declared her intentions to wed longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi. TMZ reports
A spy in the audience of this afternoon’s taping of the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” tells us that after Ellen mentioned [yesterday's California Supreme Court ruling], she surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O. The show will air tomorrow.
With the news of this ruling, Home Depot can now expect to dethrone Pottery Barn as the largest wedding registry in the state of California. You know how lesbians love power tools! And stereotypes! Don’t forget stereotypes!
It appears that daytime talk show host Ellen Degeneres has a long-standing history of adopting puppies and then giving them away. According to Page Six
Kerri Randles says she gave DeGeneres a male mutt named Stormy two years ago, only to find out less than two months later that fickle Ellen had re-gifted him to a member of her staff.”She may have had it for much less time than that. I only say two months because that’s when I called to check on the dog and found out she no longer had it,” Randles said. “I was totally shocked. I thought she was out of her mind.” DeGeneres may have passed along several other dogs over the years. Howard Stern said on his Sirius show that he’d heard she had done this nine times before.
But wait — there’s more!
Randles said DeGeneres seemed a perfect pet owner at first, but she quickly discovered the daytime TV hostess was “neurotic and crazy.” When Randles took Stormy to NBC studios to meet DeGeneres, she was “drilled” for four hours by the star, her assistants and the crew. DeGeneres finally decided to keep the dog for a few nights to see if he’d fit into her home. She suggested that Randles take the dressing room next door to “tell the dog privately that she’d be going home with Ellen.” “I told her I’d already had a talk with the dog. She didn’t get my jokes,” said Randles.
The dog didn’t get her jokes, or Ellen? Because, obviously, everyone knows dogs only like knock-knock jokes. Irony and sarcasm really aren’t their thing. Just like how lesbians only like wiener jokes and Asians only like jokes where you lisp and make the buck-teeth face. One thing they can all agree on? Leaving a big dump in the middle of the floor is freakin’ hysterical. I find lowest common denominator is pretty much the key to all successful comedy. Whoopie cushions and pies in the face are good, too, but I’m not really a prop comic per se. I’m more of a comedic purist. I’ll do my own farts, thank you very much! It’s kind of an integrity thing.
Here’s Ellen and Portia on the way to Merv Griffin’s funeral last month:
