You didn’t think Eminem was going to take Mariah Carey’s parody video Obsessed lying down, did you? In his latest song, “The Warning,” he claims to have “dirt” on the singer in the form of racy pictures and claims that he did, in fact, have sex with her, even if it was only once. And, um, some other stuff:

In the second week we was dry humping/Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted early/cos ejaculated early and bust all over your belly/And you almost started hurling and said I was gross/Go get a towel you’re stomachs curling.

But if I’m embarrassing me, I’m embarrassing you/And don’t you dare say it isn’t true.

Only a white dude would try to convince you of his sexual prowess by rapping about his problem with premature ejaculation. You never heard Dr. Dre or Tupac busting rhymes about their post-coital crying fits or inability to maintain an erection, did you? Sorry, but you can’t make a ho “bow down” and “recognize” when they’re too busy laughing at your limp penis. Might want to go with a different angle next time.

The lyrics in their entirety after the jump

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Tired of hearing about dead, skinny white stiff Michael Jackson? Well, Brüno is here to tell you about a different skinny white stiff. Digital Spy reports,

Austrian fashion reporter Brüno has claimed that he sexually aroused Eminem when he “accidentally” fell on him at last month’s MTV Movie Awards.

The spoof character, played by Borat creator Sacha Baron Cohen, said that he felt a stirring in the rap superstar’s pants during the incident.

“It was a terrible accident, but my face was actually right next to his kugelsack und I felt something like growing, pushing into my cheek,” he told Heat.

“I suddenly realised why he was called Slim Shady. After a while it was clear slim was getting a little fat. The real slim Shady stood up.”

The star went on to reveal that he is eager to focus on charity work once promotion for Brüno had ended.

“I want to win a Nobel prize, you know,” he said. “I am hoping to also do some charity work with Naomi Campbell.

“That girl is an inspiration because she has been in the business for 20 years und, despite all the fame and success, has remained a total bitch.”

While all the shenanigans that Sasha Baron Cohen pulls sometimes creeps me out, I’d much rather prefer that actors like him actually entertain, instead of these other actors who use award shows to tell everyone their political beliefs and whatnot, instead of some good clean fun like assplanting into someone’s face. I want my celebrities to entertain, not tell me what to think, dammit! Dance, monkey, dance!

In Australia for the premiere of Brüno

Vampire shitfest “Twilight” took home five awards at the MTV Movie Awards last night while “Slumdog Millionaire” walked away empty-handed, confirming everyone’s suspicion that the next generation is full idiot twats that could benefit from a good tear-gassing. But despite the lack of mass-released lachrymatory agents, the show was still salvaged by “Bruno” actor Sacha Baron Cohen’s descent from on high ass-first into rapper Eminem’s unsuspecting face. Us Weekly says

Dressed in white wings and feathers and suspended by cables, he flew around the Gibson Amphitheatre [and] happened to land on Eminem, with his bare buttocks in the rapper’s face.

A visibly upset Eminem yelped. “Get the [fuck] off me!”

“Nice to meet you,” Cohen replied.

Eminem’s bodyguards then proceeded to pull Cohen off the rapper.

“Hey, don’t touch me! I’ve already got a boyfriend!” he yelled.

Once Cohen was off Eminem, the rapper jumped up and stormed out of the theater with his bodyguards.

Ooh, I bet that’s just like what the apostles saw when Jesus ascended into heaven. Except, you know, with more taint and freshly-waxed ball sack.

Either Eminem hired Mariah Carey’s retoucher, or else someone accidentally microwaved his face in a Tupperware container. I haven’t seen that much tucking since The RuPaul Show debuted on VH1.