49-year old Jim Carrey professed his love for 22-year old Emma Stone in an altogether disturbing video posted on his official website yesterday. Us Magazine says:

“Emma, I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but smart and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you,” Carrey tells her. “We would have chubby little freckle-faced kids, we’d laugh all day long, go camping and play Yahtzee. Tell ghost stories by the fire.”

When Carrey references the “sex” he hopes to have with the star, he momentarily loses his train of thought.

“And every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you,” the actor continues. “But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard, and it takes me a little bit longer to pee than it used to.”

Though Stone is currently dating her Amazing Spider-Man costar Andrew Garfield, Carrey “just wanted to let [her] know how I felt.”

“I think you’re very special and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment,” the Mr. Popper’s Penguins star tells Stone. “But most of all, I wish you love and contentment.”

Jim Carrey has really fucking lost it. This is exactly the sort of video that would be entered into evidence when requesting a restraining order. Next thing you know, he’ll be making her a sweater out of eyelashes and semen and sorting through her trash like a damn raccoon.

Gwyneth Paltrow goes topless for a special issue of Vanity Fair set to hit newsstands alongside the regular August edition of the magazine this Friday. Of course, it’s hard to get excited about a woman being topless when she can cover both breasts with one of her hands.

The most insignificant of all the movie award shows aired on MTV last night, complete with its usual fare of predictable hijinx and zany shenanigans. Like Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake grabbing each others’ naughty bits in a bid to prove that their relationship was strictly platonic (LOL!). Or Robert Pattinson mouth-kissing his Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner (OMG)! Or a celebrity mash-up Hangover parody with host Jason Sudeikis (ROTFLMAO)! The only part of the night that was even remotely funny was when Reese Witherspoon burned nekkid-picture-taker Blake Lively. The Daily Mail says:

During her acceptance speech, Reese addressed the industry’s younger actresses. ‘It’s possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show,’ she said.

And in a surprising direct dig at Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively, she said: ‘And if you take naked pictures of yourself with your cell phone, you hide your face.’

In other less interesting news, the god-awful “Twilight: Eclipse” won Best Movie, Best Male Performance (Robert Pattinson), Best Female Performance (Kristen Stewart), Best Kiss (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart), and Best Fight Scene (Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel); some chick from the comparably shitty “Kick-Ass” took home Best Breakout Star and Biggest Badass Star; and last, but certainly not least, was Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never,” which claimed Best Jaw-Dropping Moment. I assume that references the aghast disbelief that inevitably leaves one’s mouth agape when one finds out that “Never Say Never” grossed $73 million domestically and another $25 mil overseas. To put that in perspective, that’s more than the gross national product of Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined. Granted, the 7-11 down the street probably grosses more than Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined, but it’s really the principle of it all. That principle being, “This generation sucks donkey balls.”

LOTS more pics after the jump:

Brooklyn Decker:

Emma Stone:

Jessica Szohr:

Kristen Stewart:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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There’s a new celebrity catfight in town, boys and girls, and it smells like rotten tuna melt and fried circuit boards: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed at Katie Holmes for stealing next month’s Glamour cover away from her. A classic case of man vs. machine! MSNBC says

The leggings entrepreneur/actress was expected to appear on the cover of the April edition of Glamour magazine, but instead the coveted cover went to Holmes.

“(Lohan) did this big Madonna-themed photo shoot and she was totally under the impression it would be the cover,” says the source. “Only she wasn’t on the cover, Katie was, and she’s mad at her now.”

I’d put my money on Lindsay Lohan any day of the week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Terminator” and “The Matrix,” it’s never to underestimate the human in a fight against the computers. Especially if that human subsists entirely on Red Bull and cocaine. John Connor’s got nothin’ on that bitch.

The iconic Glamour shoot, with Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter, Chanel Iman as Althea Gibson, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore, Emma Stone as Carrie Bradshaw, Elisha Cuthbert as Brandi Chastain, America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta, Alicia Keys as First Lady Michelle Obama, Paula Patton as Billie Holiday, Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer, Rumer Willis as The Women of Woodstock, and one more of Lindsay as Madonna: